The Ox Bellows Into the Void

American Idol Top 4

2009-05-06T16:33:00.001-05:00

Not much to say, not much time to say it, but here's the important part -- please review Danny Gokey's performance on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qW7h3PZqFlk

American Idol: Top 5

2009-04-29T10:03:00.002-05:00

It's been a crazy couple days, so this will be short -- but it was a pretty good episode, right?

Jamie Foxx gave great advice: they weren't singing songs, they were singing a lifestyle. That sounds like actor advice, right? Insightful though. Actually, he was a surprisingly good mentor. That makes two weeks in a row of surprisingly good mentors.

Kris gets a hell of a compliment from Jamie Foxx -- who saw that coming? He's Jamie's number one and he'll even cut an album with him? I hope he follows through on that, because unfortunately I don't think Kris can win this. If it were up to me, he'd have a shot at it. This is very good to start but there's a falsetto jump early on that isn't great. What's great about Kris is that he doesn't look like he's trying. He just sort of is what he is -- the judges throw the word "authentic" around a lot, but he's the only one that really is authentic (all credit to L for that insight). He's the opposite of Adam Lambert and Gokey, in different ways, in terms of authenticity. Adam is up front about being a totally constructed sex android from the future designed to destroy American Idol, and Gokey wants you to think he's really for real real, but is just as fake. I thought Kris was good. I'm with Simon -- not amazing, but very very solid. Great start to the night.

Seacrest gets snippy with an audience member during Allison's interview: "oh you're 17 too? Oh, well why don't we just stop the show and you two can go on a date?" Ha. That was great.

Allison sounds amazing in her preview. What a terrific song for her voice. She has the kind of effortless soul that Gokey wishes he had, and her extra gear is great. Beautiful dynamics. Overall pretty frickin' great. Her best so far, I think. Wow. I don't have a whole lot to say about this, but it was amazing in a way I didn't think she had in her. She is full of surprises. And she just turned 17. Life isn't fair sometimes.

It sure sounds like Jamie Foxx doesn't like Matt Giraud -- his "what are you worried about" comment followed by sending him away seemed pretty fakey, and then he called him back as if he felt bad about it. Interesting advice though to lower the key and full-voice the money note. Of course, the lower key is making the beginning part crappy, so he may have just tanked 90% of the song for that one note at the end. He's pretty shaky, and trying hard to sound like a rat packer, rather than himself. Weird enunciation on the rat pack sounding parts, but then he does some weird r&b runs that sound out of place. The full voice money note was good, but not enough to make up for general lameness. In a rare moment of disagreement, I couldn't agree less with Simon -- it wasn't authentic or brilliant, it was hack-y and unenjoyable. I don't know what Simon was thinking on that one, because he usually reads my thoughts. Maybe I left my tin foil hat on for that one or something and he couldn't get in.

Jamie Foxx getting in Gokey's face was hilarious. Gokey sounds exactly like you'd think, although I have to admit he brought it home for once in the end. And yet, I still don't care. Holy shit his Dad looks like Michael McDonald! Dude, then he made a heart sign with his hands. You know what? I'm just done with him. I don't even want to write about him any more.

Adam Lambert does Feelin' Good, made famous by the incomparable Nina Simone (echoes of Jeff Buckley again, who was hugely influenced by Nina Simone), but it's the Muse arrangement (thanks Sam), and Matt Bellamy is a great comparison for him I haven't heard before. He's rockin' the stairs and a really shiny white suit. I dig the arrangement, but then again I dig Muse; it's nice and rocking out in parts with plenty of room for him to exercise his ridiculously awesome voice. Holy hell was that ending sweet -- plus I have never heard the crowd go that apeshit before. They're super loud! I enjoyed Randy saying that complaining that Adam is theatrical is like complaining that a cow moos. Love it.

Overall, I think the only one I didn't like this week was Matt. I thought he was really not good, and I didn't get the talk about him being authentic, when I thought he was by far the least authentic of the five, and less authentic than he usually is. But whatever. Despite Simon's bizarre praise, I think he's going home. In fact, I'm so sure of it that I don't even care who's in the bottom three with him. It'll probably be Allison just because she's always there, and between Kris or Gokey ... I mean, it's probably Kris but let's pray it's Gokey. Man, a shock Gokey elimination this week or next would be so fun.

American Idol: Top 7 again

2009-04-21T19:09:00.004-05:00

So because I didn't get around to blogging the top 7 last week, the Idol producers decided to do it over. Sorry everyone. Last week was pretty boring, though, all told, with each contestant doing pretty much exactly what you'd expect if you've been watching. Really, that was a good recap of pretty much everything, without actually being really good. Maybe the added pressure of the double elimination will make people step it up, but it is disco week (ugh).

Wow, they started really quickly this week. Quick intros, Adam Lambert in greaser mode with pointy shoulder pads (and we talk a lot about his look, but he's been a greaser like half the time), and then all of a sudden Lil is singing. I guess they realized they need to, you know, not screw around if they want to end on time.

Lil doing I'm Every Woman, OK, I keep saying it's make or break for her. So far she hasn't made but she hasn't broken either. Shows what I know. Her hair looks pretty great, and let's be honest, her booty is out of control. It's barely contained by black spandex, and you know what? Her butt is every woman. Not just every woman's butt, but every entire woman. It's powerful. I'm intimidated. Apparently, she's singing, though, and ... whatever, it's warbly and all over the place like usual. Kara says that America has been waiting for her to do a song by Chaka Khan ... or someone like that ... which means by a big black lady. Which, OK, fine. So the other judges talked and Lil blabbed again about how she had fun, and who cares what the judges think because she had fun. And when Seacrest asks her about her inner goddess, he means her behind. Instead she takes this as an invitation to keep yakking about how the judges are irrelevant, and Seacrest is like, whatever hon, you're done.

Kris has the guitar again, and isn't he made for the disco? Adorable, slightly feminine man, light, pleasant vocals that don't seem to stick with you for long, hard drugs (OK, not the latter, I'm guessing). I really thought he was playing the Doobie Brothers (without looove .... looooooo-oooo-ooove), but apparently it's the riff from that Doobies song over She Works Hard for the Money. You know, disco took a lot of non-disco songs and discofied them, so I respect the reverse-discofication. Plus, some rad basslines from Ricky. Why does that other dude always get to play the box onstage though? It's a box. He even gets to sit on it while tapping along. So as usual, I liked Kris a lot this week -- cool choice, very solid vocals, completely enjoyable, fun arrangement (even if it was a Doobie Brothers mashup) ... will people vote for him this week? I feel like he keeps failing to get traction with the voters, and I don't really get why. Seriously, this dude is what Danny Gokey would love to be. Or should anyway. Do they switch the votes for these two or something? It's criminal that Kris is in danger every week and Gokey sails through regardless.

Why, Gokey, why? I mean, September is like a free pass, isn't it? Who doesn't love this song? I think even serial killers that hate everything are like, you know what, that's a catchy little ditty. But that's what Danny Gokey is all about -- the most obvious free pass song every week, sung in the most predictable faux-soul style, and of course he basically skips all the verses to just yell the chorus over and over. It's not an arrangement so much as turning a great song into like a Beyonce single -- there's no verse or chorus, just two parts that she screams over and over. And in this case, I don't even know what part of the song he was on half the time, and I know the song reasonably well. He could have been singing any song. He's just sort of Gokeying up there. His ceiling is a poor man's Michael McDonald. Maybe a homeless man's Michael McDonald.

Of course the Gokey sandwich is surrounded by my two favorite pieces of bread ... look at little Allison pulling off some crazy bedazzled vinyl dominatrix outfit with some kind of shoulder jacket. She is ferocious, and I'm enjoying her slowed-down rocked-out Hot Stuff. It's like if Heart covered the song, with maybe Carlos Santana playing guitar. I didn't love the "hot hot hot hot -- stuff" part so much, but that last note was pretty ridiculously great. She has crazy pipes, and pretty solid feel. Maybe she needs a bit of arrangement help, but you know she'll get a ton of that when she has a recording contract, right? I just hope she gets with the right people and doesn't get all cheesy like every single other Idol alum. Yeah, I know.

You know what's messed up? That commercial for that "Glee" tv show just came on, and I'm thinking I'd really like to sing that arrangement of Don't Stop Believin'. Yeah, I know I shouldn't admit that. But they sounded good.

So Robo-Lambert is doing If I Can't Have You (not the Alicia Keys song, sadly). I just read the 33 1/3 book on Jeff Buckley's Grace (highly recommended), and you know, I think Buckley is probably the best comparison for Adam Lambert. Buckley was a bit more rock and roll, but both of them are completely unafraid to channel some freaky lady-voice or just unleash whatever crazy-ass sounds want to leap out of their throats. And if you're not weirded out by that, it's pretty rad. I'm looking forward to hearing what his own actual music is going to sound like. We're going to hear it, right? He's so versatile that I have no idea where he'll go on his own, but I hope he keeps doing it all. Let's just agree not to let him swim in any rivers.

Let's see what Matt does with his second chance. Seacrest clumsily hints at Stayin' Alive before the commercial break, and yep, here it is. I was expecting to totally hate it, but you know what, early on it's pretty cool. The vocals are updated and a bit more ... I don't know, feisty through the verse. You know what? I don't think Matt needs to bring it anymore. It's already been brought. The last note almost goes wrong a bit, but sure. L brings up a great point that he might make one of the best recording artists in the group. Like a lot of similar-style vocalists, he's not always so good live, but with enough takes he's probably going to hit it out of the park. It's OK to be better on CD than live. That's how most people are going to hear you, anyway. (Well, outside of American Idol I mean.)

If Anoop is closing the show, that must mean he's going to be pretty awesome, right? They almost always save one of the best performances for last. Disco is right in his danger zone -- does he go for fun or for serious slow ballad? Or does he finally put together fun and awesome singing? Nope, looks like we're back in ballad-land, which is probably for the best. Although I suspect it's going to bust into disco -- there it goes. Sort of anyway. It's sort of OK, just a little boring. He's a terrific singer. (Although the last note -- as Z would say: "Oh. Messy.") I just don't know if that's going to convert anyone. I would have liked for the song to really bust out like I thought it would. I dig the facial scruff though so that's something. And then Ryan's all like, dude your eyebrows look like Groucho Marx, and you can see that Anoop is wounded inside. When did Seacrest get mean?

I liked Adam, Kris, Allison, and Matt, in roughly that order. Maybe switch the last two. I didn't like Gokey, but when is he ever not safe? I would put Lil and Anoop in the two elimination spots, and my initial hunch is that's what's going to happen. I'm worried that Kris and Allison are going to get forgotten and fall into the bottom with them. Kris was in the dreaded #2 spot, and both of them keep falling into the bottom except when they're completely awesome. When they're just really very good they seem not to get the support they deserve. This describes Matt, too, except that I'm not as into him so I don't care as much. Adam and Gokey seem to have built-in support no matter what they do.

Since I don't know how they're going to handle the bottom three with two eliminations, I'm going to rank them -- not how I would rank them, but how I think they'll do in the votes -- and place them in three groups:

Totally safe:
Adam and Gokey

Should be OK, but might slip to whatever bottom group we end up with:
Kris, Allison, and Matt

Should be worried:
Anoop and Lil

... I guess that means if there's a bottom three I think Matt will join them, and Allison would round out a bottom four, but the three in my middle group aren't far apart in terms of safety.

Of course, I'd put Gokey in the bottom three, but I'm clearly in the minority on that one.

American Idol: Top 8

2009-04-08T10:06:00.002-05:00

These are my mostly-unfiltered thoughts, typed out while watching the show. I've rethought the bottom three a bit overnight, and I think some stupid eliminations are coming down the pike. Oh well.

I still love the light-up stairs that Seacrest walks down, and want to install them in my own house. And what the hell was that creepy dude in the audience who was staring straight ahead blank-faced?

The top 8 walk out and it's a sausagefest up there. Hey, super creepy wax figure dude in the audience again -- weird. (I was positive this dude was going to end up being a promo for some show or something, but nothing ever happened and we saw him a few other times. Everyone else was cheering or clapping and he was staring straight forward with an annoyed look fixed on his face. Really, really bizarre stuff.)

I am so sick of Danny Gokey and his entire family. I mean, they seem like nice people, but exactly the kind that I couldn't stand to be around. Whatever. Stand By Me. Of course. Lame that he gets to pick a cover that happened to come out in his birth year. I mean, say you wanted to do the Beatles' "Yesterday" -- no matter what year you were born, someone covered it in that year. Stand By Me isn't much different. And what is this, the Miami Sound Machine version? Wow is this corny. It's like begging to be turned into Muzak. Cheesy even by Gokey standards. I'm really shocked that they all liked it so much, but whatever. It's the Year of the Gokey.

Kris actually seems like someone I would hang out with. I'm just going to put that out there. Man-crush? Bromance? Call it what you will. Cool, he gets to be in the pit like Matt was last week. All She Wants To Do Is Dance? Interesting. I mean, it's pretty good. A little generic. Can't hear his guitar at all. Fun arrangement, and mildly entertaining overall. I can't disagree with Simon that it was a little forgettable, and that it was not a good song choice. I don't think it was self-indulgent. I don't think they know what that means. I think Randy is on to something that the arrangement ended up being more interesting than his singing though.

Get this -- Lil's name is actually just Lil. Stunning. Way different. I wonder how many people really thought that her name couldn't possibly just be Lil? I mean, my name is just Jake so maybe I'm preconditioned here, but that this could be a giant controversy never crossed my mind. Of course her mom pronounces it "Leel" so maybe that IS different. Tina Turner ... and not just any Tina, but What Love's Got To Do With It -- this is a make-or-break, isn't it? The beginning sounds a bit shaky, and the chorus isn't a ton better. I don't have much to say about the vocals, so let me just say: I'm not a fashionista, but putting some serious gathers (ruffles? whatever) right on top of that booty is an interesting stylistic choice. She could be in a lot of trouble. I think she needed to nail this given the choice of song, and I think she failed there.

Anoop promises not to sass anymore, but I can't even remember why he was talking back to Kara. Literally no memory of it. Why bring it up? Well, we're back to good singing Anoop -- but can he also be engaging on stage? Audience response says yes, and he hasn't put those two things together yet. It sounds pretty good to me, but I think he's a touch under pitch a lot, and it's not as good as a couple of his other performances. Or so I think. I don't know, pretty good, but nothing super exciting for me. I honestly have no idea if the judges will love it or hate it. Paula points out that it fits his voice well, and he's been terrific at picking songs that fit his voice. A few other contestants suck at this.

Little Z is trying to stick pretzels between his toes and feed them to himself, and I find that more entertaining than Scott right now. You know, the little guy is pretty good at this. Prehensile toes. Maybe he really is a monkey. But hey, Scott has a guitar. He's not playing it yet, and as usual he picked something that sounds the same as every other corny song he-- wow that guitar sounds horrible. Really clanky and inappropriate tone for the song. Plus it's all pointy and sparkly, and with a Van Halen amp? Whatever they've done with his hair looks great, I'll give props there. I don't really get why he's on the show. Well, I get why, but I don't get why he's still there. Boring. Lipstick all over Paula's teeth: not as boring. Did Scott just try to pull a Jedi mind trick on Simon? Simon is immune, padawan.

So there's some kid screaming in the background during Allison's interview with her parents. Classy. That's the best take they have? Anyway, I actually like the concept of Allison singing Bonnie Raitt -- or at least I Can't Make You Love Me. What a terrific voice. She's dialed back the growl but left in a lot of smokiness, saving the grit for a few select spots. It actually feels like she's feeling this complex song, and she's way too young to really get it. I really liked that take. You know, Simon's right about working on her image. I think she's hiding behind this weird facade, and she needs to just chill and be comfortable up there. When that happens, she's going to connect like crazy. Until then, she is going to be just a bit behind the other frontrunners. She absolutely could have a career, though, which is more than you can say for most contestants on this show.

Part Time Lover is a terrific song for Matt, and for the first time in a while he sounds great right off the bat. I mean, he's doing it exactly like Stevie, so the comparisons are inevitable, but it's really solid. The one "yeah yeah" was pretty rough, but the rest of it was pretty cool I thought. I haven't liked a lot of his other stuff, and this was his best performance to me. I don't think it was unbelievable like the lady-judges said, but it was very good.

ZOMG Adam Lambert dressed up like a vampire as a kid. This just in: water is wet. Also: the sun is totally like a giant ball of fire. Wow, so this show is way over time -- thankfully we can retroactively tivo the next crappy show (Fringe). Anyway, several minutes over time, and I'm digging the background music for his package. Banjos and electric guitars are a combination I dig way more than you might think. Wait, he likes putting on costumes and getting attention? That's completely surprising. Wow -- terrific song choice! How did this come out the year he was born? The way this is lit you can't see his chair from the front -- it's like he's squatting on a beam of light. Anyway, this is pretty rad. This is not an easy song to sing, and could easily be completely boring. I might go so far as to say that this is more interesting than the original. I haven't heard it in ages, and I'd have to compare to say that for sure, but it's in the frame. Maybe I'm thinking more of the version that was in Donnie Darko than the Tears For Fears original? Dunno. Whatever, that was really really good.

My favorites: Allison and Adam. I liked Kris because I always like Kris. Matt and Anoop were solid too.

I guess that leaves Lil, Scott, and Gokey. No way in heck Gokey's in the bottom three, so I'm going to say Kris, Matt, or Anoop -- none should be there, but someone has to. If there's any mercy in this world, Scott will take his pointy guitar and go home. I'm going to say Anoop will be the bottom three contestant but not bottom two. No way in hell they save Scott or Lil, but they might save anyone else if there's a surprise.

Updated: the more I think about it, the more I think Lil is safe. I don't think she should be, but I think she will be. Anoop, Kris, and Matt have all been in the bottom at times, and let me just say I'm very worried about Kris this week. I think Matt's the safest of those three (with Scott a near-lock for bottom three). Kris was so good last week, but other contestants seem to get more support even when they're not awesome. Will the judges consider saving him? I think they might. The way it's set up, I seriously doubt anyone could change enough for their singout to make the judges save them, though. Fingers crossed for Kris, and hoping it's Scott's week to leave.

American Idol: first group of 12

2009-02-17T19:55:00.004-06:00

Hey, we're finally at the good stuff, right? The top 36 seems like a lot. I liked last season where they started with 24 and knocked out 4 people a week until they got to 12. This season they're picking the top 3 from each set of 12 with three wildcards ... which, I mean, you could be totally hosed by being in an awesome group of 12, right? I'd like to think the producers split up the groups reasonably, but I'm not so sure they did. Then again, we haven't really heard all of these people. It'll be interesting to see who strategizes properly -- with last season's war of attrition, you just had to not be one of the two worst of your gender. This season you're going to have to stand out. The difference between needing to get a lot of votes vs. just not finish in the bottom two is actually significant.

Let me also say that this format of interviewing the contestants' parents ... wow, that's seriously boring. Plus, doesn't anyone have a job to be at? I'm sure my parents would be like, yeah, sure ... um, I have to be at work though, so good luck. Maybe they'd come one week. I would complain that they only give them 1:20 to sing and then waste 7 more on these interviews, but let's be honest, I really only need to hear 20-30 seconds to form an opinion.

Anyway, looks to be an interesting group, with one of my favorites going in (Anoop, who I pegged as an a cappella dude right off the bat based on what he wore to his audition), one of the favorites they've been cramming down our throats (Danny, who to be fair, I like a lot so far), and possibly the most irritating person ever to be on the show (like you don't know who I mean -- and what more needs to be said about her?). Plus a few people I swear we've never seen before.

OMG Kara's first show. She's so nervous. I would have thought she'd know how to talk into a microphone, but apparently not. I think the sound guy is cursing at her every time she eats the mic. Paula says they have to make magic happen in a minute and twenty seconds ... just like prom night! (Thank you, please try the veal!) Randy's wearing a scarf. Indoors. And isn't even in Vampire Weekend.

Jackie Tohn is up first, and wow, that's a bold outfit. Holy crap, was that a bizarre song choice ... weird arrangement, and then she started prancing around like ... I don't even know what to do with this. Very prancy, very talky, and then she got very yelly. Not only did I hate the vocals, I hated her personality. Plus she said "boy" like Rosie Perez would. You're from New York. I get it. I've been there. Wow, that sucked. I can't believe the judges are praising her, but notice they're all talking about her performance (which I hated too, but if you have to pick something ...)

Ricky Braddy's up next, and they make it sound like he made some huge sacrifice by quitting a crappy food service job to be on the show. Now I see why we haven't seen him before ... he's coming across like a shot of NyQuil. That said, what a terrific voice! Excellent singer, too (yes, those are two different skill sets). Great control, the song went somewhere, and I liked his stage presence. Simon isn't wrong that he needs to show some star power, but I think that's possible. I think it's mostly his offstage persona that needs work, more than onstage. Good stuff, though.

I never really was into Alexis Grace, but OK, willing to give her a shot. I'm not so into the trailer look, but I thought it was funny that they basically told her to act sluttier. Actually decent advice, but still funny. So I think this song chewed her up and spit her out. Not a good choice for me. I mean, she has some soul, but that's the kind of song that requires a fifth gear, and I don't think she can get past third. It just kind of never went anywhere, and the high loud "yeah yeah" parts were actually a little bad. Hoarse, or something. Anyway, meh. I won't be mad if she moves on, but I don't care much either way.

Brent Keith -- wow, are all these guys boring off stage? Another bad song choice ... it's not that it sounds bad, but the song really doesn't go anywhere, so I still have no idea if he's really good or just OK. He doesn't suck, except for a few lines in a verse that are too low where he goes way off-pitch. My biggest issue with him is that he looks like an awkward karaoke singer, making self-conscious hand gestures and closing his eyes and looking down when singing hard. No connection with the audience. Lame.

Stevie Wright seems like a nice girl, and she has plenty of time to improve, so I'm not going to say much here -- but let's be straight and admit that her performance was flat-out bad. The only reason you'd compliment that performance is if you were trying to pick her up at the weekly karaoke contest she just finished sixth in. I love that her mom is like, duh, she sang a young song, why didn't they like it? Um, because it was bad. I really disliked that Jackie hugged her (and then her mom!) like ... hey, is the camera over here? Sweet.

Anoop Desai has a surprising voice, doesn't he? I love that he sang My Prerogative in Hollywood. Hilarious. I really think that the good collegiate a cappella groups are great proving grounds, and a way to get a ton of great performance experience in a short period of time. I think what I like most about him is that he's completely un-selfconscious about singing songs that should be ridiculous. I didn't love this song choice (a little boring?) but I really think he should sail through to the finals. It sure seems like the judges were way more complimentary of much worse singers, so I hope it's clear that he was way better. As L pointed out, though, he should have done My Prerogative again.

Casey Carlson ... wow, is she made for TV or what? Interesting song choice, great stage presence ... I don't think it suits her voice one bit. It made her sound thin and kind of boring. Her high notes didn't sound pretty at all. Yeah, I'm surprised, I thought she was going to be one of the contenders. Now I'm not sure she'll make the next cut. If she does it won't be for that performance. Wow, I thought she had a big head start on a lot of the other ladies, but she dropped the ball big time. Here's the thing ... you have this huge opportunity to sing in front of millions of people. If you don't pick the absolute best song for your voice, one that you know you can nail, then you are completely wasting your big chance. I don't get why so many of them screw up something so obvious.

Michael Sarver has picked a great song (I Don't Wanna Be), but unfortunately one that's been done a few times on this show, and way better. This is actually a pretty forgiving song, one that's not hard to sing well if you have a good voice. I thought he had some interesting soul earlier in Hollywood, though, and here he's coming off as a decent bar singer. He didn't even try the high note, either. It's not bad, it's just middle of the road tonight. I still like him, but I wouldn't fight for him.

Ann Marie Boskovich is another one that I remember liking from her initial audition. You know who should sing Natural Woman? Nobody should. She said she was going to put her own twist on the song, but I must have missed it. I mean, it was OK, and the finish was probably the best part, but that doesn't seem like the right kind of song for her kind of voice. I don't remember her voice being right for that from what we've heard. It was just sort of plain and generic.

Stephen Fowler is the dude who totally bombed his last performance in Hollywood. I'm a little surprised he survived that, but that must mean he showed something serious before that. Michael Jackson is always a brave choice on this show. His Sideshow Bob hair is distracting me a bit, but he sounds okay. It's a little bland, and it feels like he's slightly behind the rhythm (or maybe he's just that cool and I don't get it). L and I are not sure this song works with such a laid back vibe. And wow, that high bit near the end kind of sucked, huh? I think he was going for smooth and cool but all I got was lackadaisical.

Fuck. Tatiana Del Toro probably just put in the best performance of the girls. Not that it was great, it's more of a function of the rest of the girls totally screwing up, but dammit. She might have beaten the other girls. I'm not pleased.

Well, they've really pushed Danny Gokey on us all season so far, but to be fair, he has a really interesting voice and good chops. Fifteen seconds in and he has this locked up, doesn't he? I mean, this group is absolutely there for the taking, so he doesn't even need to be that good, but he's working it out. He's had the only two "whoa" moments this week. I love that Simon is there to bring things back to earth and give some good advice -- there's still plenty of room for growth there, but he's justified his pre-season favorite status.

Wow, so do we really have to keep three of these people? Danny was head and shoulders above everyone in this group, and Ricky was probably second best (vocally, maybe not performance wise) with Anoop in the mix. I think Tatiana was the best girl this week, as much as it pains me to say it. So I'd pick those four (with Anoop being a "judge's choice" wildcard) if it were up to me. Maybe I'd put through Alexis just because I couldn't handle putting Tatiana through, but I really didn't like any of the girls this week.

So who will actually get through? Danny's obviously a lock, and I think Anoop has a valid shot at a spot in the top 3. But which girl will win the most votes? Man, I have no idea right now. Does Casey pull in a bunch of fans even though she wasn't good? Ann Marie? Will people vote for Tatiana? (Vote For the Worst?) Did people like Alexis a lot more than I did? I have to think about this. More later.

Wow, that took a long time ...

2009-01-13T09:47:00.002-06:00

... to post the day 2 and 3 Lollapalooza recaps. And I barely edited them, either. But bookings for Lolla09 are just starting to trickle out (Kaiser Chiefs so far), so here's hoping for a great lineup next year.

Lolla08 day 3 recap

2008-08-15T13:48:00.002-05:00

Day 3 -- once again, beautiful weather. Really, the whole weekend was not too hot, although we had lots of rain right before the fest and a scary-as-hell thunderstorm the day after. Thanks for looking out for us, God. Nice work.

We started out at Ha Ha Tonka. 11:15 AM. Yup. They were pretty outstanding. I'm often a little skeptical going to see a band that has intricate vocal harmonies, because you never know if they will reproduce it live. These dudes nailed it. They even have one song ("Hangman") that is 100% a cappella, and all four of them are dead on. While that kind of tightness comes from a ton of practice, you also need to start with four dudes who can really sing. So I thought it was cool how they all took turns singing harmony on different songs, and when all four of them kick in together (like in their single "St Nick on the Fourth in a Fervor") it's pretty sweet. While I'd hoped for a rumored cover of "I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow" their cover of Black Betty was way fun. And these guys are very humble, constantly surprised at how many people came out to see them. One of my favorite sets of the weekend.

We headed over to catch a bit of the Blakes. I liked the sample track I found of theirs. Live I was underwhelmed. It was fine, if you like generic loud distorted basic rock songs with mediocre singers. I'm sure some people are into that sort of thing.

While procuring sustenance, we caught a little of Kid Sister (she sounded fun, but it seemed like she had 20 minutes of material to stretch into an hour) and What Made Milwaukee Famous (I'm still not sure). We caught the beginning of the Whigs, too, who I was slightly more intrigued by than the Blakes, but ended up similarly disappointed by. In this case I think poor sound was partially to blame, but they seemed unenergetic and unmemorable. I'd give them another chance, though. Probably not the Blakes.

Right before Tally Hall started one of the other Camaro dudes from Chicago arrived, and since we had his wristband we had to meet him outside. It took a little while to get back in, and I now have a very low opinion of the front gate security people. My artist wristband got me in every other entrance I could find, but the guard was like, no you can't come in here, you have to go over there to the VIP entrance. What the fuck is the point of VIP access if you can't get in the normal entrance? No? I have to walk over there so someone else can check my wristband? I don't think I'm being a spoiled artist here. That was stupid. That, combined with the fact that they confiscated Zeke's baby food on Day 1 (which C3 already admitted to me was a mistake), makes me think they're morons.

Anyway. So I missed the two Tally Hall songs I was most excited about (Welcome to Tally Hall and Greener), and that may be why I was a little disappointed in the set. That said, like Ha Ha Tonka they rely on a lot of vocal harmonies, and I thought they were a little weak live. I also really like about half their material and think the other half is a little fluffy. I can see how they're the darlings of the boarding school circuit, and I'll absolutely give them another chance, but they were one of my top 5 going in, and they were just OK. I had fun, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't overly impressed. And no hard feelings towards Andy, who had helped us out by lending us his wristband while he was at a wedding Saturday.

Right after Tally Hall we rushed to see Nicole Atkins and the Sea. I was a little torn up by the overlap (15 minutes) but decided that ends of sets are usually better than beginnings, so skipped the beginning of this set. Ronak had camped in a chair and we found room to sit down in the shade near him, which was a totally appropriate setting for her music. It's a little gloomy, with powerful, emotive female vocals with lots of reverb on them. She's from the Jersey shore, and her tunes really make me think of walking around an abandoned Boardwalk amusement park, where you know people once flocked to and had a great time ... but its time is past. It's a little nostalgic, a little haunting, and a bit David Lynch-ian. Plus she has a terrific voice, and her band is solid. This is so different from what I usually like that I'm surprised how much I loved it -- but then again, it's so different from really anything else out there. I need to see them do a full set sometime.

Right after that set, our maniacal scheduling slowed down, and I got a text from the other Chicago Camaro guy that he was coming in, too, although he hadn't thought he could make it. The bad part about this is that we'd have to give his wristband back, so Lindsay wouldn't have an artist wristband anymore. So we headed back for a last artist area hang-out while listening to the end of Brazilian Girls (meh ... and the singer is scary, not hot) and Chromeo (sounded like lots of fun; didn't need to see the big hairy dude with his shirt off). We head for our hidden VIP portapotty spot, and they're missing. Weird. We look around ... and oh my god, they finally realized they needed to put bathrooms inside the artist lounge area. This was massive for us, because up until then you had to leave the lounge to go pee, meaning once we gave up the artist wristband, Lindsay wouldn't be able to get back in. Now that that was no longer an issue, we could go in and stay in (food being a slight issue, but I'll get to that). So our VIP swan song turned into an all night party, with the only downside being that we couldn't get out to hang with anyone else.

It was way more crowded back there, but we commandeered a couple benches, with the help of the Chicago Camaro guys and some friends they made (a photographer, some C3 ladies, etc.). We didn't get to see a ton of music the rest of the night, but we heard G-Love (blech), Gnarls, and Kanye very well, and Mark Ronson reasonably well. Totally worthwhile tradeoff.

Other musicians were out in full force back there, and it's really bizarre seeing people you recognize walking around as if they are a normal person. Because while people would go up and say, hey, nice set today, it wasn't like anyone was fawning over anyone else (for the most part). My favorite celebrity encounter was near the end of the night when I was fairly drunk and doing a look-around-for-celebrities sweep. Newton Faulkner was right behind me, walking by (he's hard to miss with his red dreadlocks), and I kind of nodded at him and extended a fist-bump. He reciprocated, followed up with a chest-thump (Sammy Sosa style), and I just turned back around. Never stood up. Because it is totally normal for me to see someone I have watched on TV and fist-bump them. I talked to the bass player from Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears for a while, and introduced myself to a couple bands I really liked (Ha Ha Tonka especially). I really wanted to meet Nicole Atkins and her band, but the few times I saw them they were already talking to people or she was on her cell phone or something. I was drunk enough to be all about talking to random people, so I did. And it was fun. The vast majority of people were pretty cool.

I may have mentioned that most of Bang Camaro piled onto Kyle Gass' tour bus on Friday (the dude from Tenacious D) and shot a weblog video that's all over the internets, signed his guitar, did a song with him, etc. Andy, one of the Chicago dudes who was there, felt bad enough that he force-marched me over to KG's tour bus, talked to his publicist, and got me to sign the guitar and take a picture with KG. That was pretty cool. You may have seen the picture on my Facebook page. KG's a pretty cool dude.

I would have liked to have seen Gnarls, but the whole evening was pretty fun regardless. I may have inadvertently made it harder for me to enjoy future Lollapaloozas. Will I have to shell out for the VIP passes next year? Would that be as satisfying? Shit, we'll just have to figure out how a posse member can play again next year. Anyone have any ideas on that?

I left out my awards for Day 2, so I'll just compile them for the whole weekend:

Best sets from non-headliners: The Parlor Mob, Ha Ha Tonka, Nicole Atkins and the Sea
I am intrigued enough to check out further: Holy Fuck, Dr Dog, Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears
You don't fuck with: Sharon Jones. You could maybe get away with fucking with the Dap-Kings though.
Glad I can say I saw: Rage Against the Machine. And now I don't have to do it again. (It was good, but insane.)
Bummed that I missed: Girl Talk, most of Jamie Lidell, CSS, Gnarls from up close. There are only so many hours in the day though.
Times people asked me if I had weed: 5 (4 backstage)
Times I had weed: zero
Awesome fistbumps: one
People I went to middle school with spotted in VIP: one

Lolla08 day 2 recap

2008-08-15T13:29:00.001-05:00

Day 2! Fight! (I wrote this right after Lolla08 but forgot to post it until now ...)

We started out with Chicken on a Stick and Witchcraft. Witchcraft are a doom/stoner metal band from Sweden. The singer does his thing in English which is really rather good, but sounds a little goofy. So it was like if Ozzy had only a slight accent and over-enunciated everything. But the music was pretty solid, and doom metal is great when it's hot out. You just end up headbanging slowly. I enjoyed it, despite the singer being kind of goofy and almost operatic. It was endearing. I was like, aww, metal dudes from Sweden. How sweet. I did see them backstage later and gave them an awkward thumbs up. They seemed surprised.

We caught a little of Margot & the Nuclear So & So's on the way to the Ting Tings. I don't know, it was OK I guess. The extraneous apostrophe in their name kind of bugs me though. You know, extraneous apostrophe would be a better name for a band than M&tNS&S's anyway.

So the Ting Tings were indeed better than expected, as K alluded to. I have a big issue with them, though. First, K gave a shout out to their bass player -- but they have no bass player. They have nobody playing about 75% of what you hear, in fact. The dude definitely drums live, and Katie definitely sings, but I have a sneaking suspicion that her guitar wasn't amplified and we were hearing recorded guitar too. But she's very magnetic on stage and prances around adorably. I just feel like, yeah it's cool you recorded all that with sampling, but if you want to play live, bring a band. Otherwise it's kind of like karaoke.

During that set we went back for free drinks, and L pointed out a guy -- hey, he must be in a band. I didn't recognize him, but based on his attire (ill-fitting dress shirt and vest, ill-advised skinny jeans), I said he was probably a keyboard player. It turns out he was in fact the keyboard player for the Gutter Twins. He didn't look quite as stupid onstage.

Met up with K&A&Jason briefly during Dr Dog. I was looking forward to them, but their live sound was kind of uncompelling. That's not a word, and I don't care.

Heard some of Foals while we were getting our snack on. (I think this was when we tried the fried twinkies -- not bad, but not amazing. Somehow the frying process makes the filling taste better though.) Also checked out Chicago 2016 tent and got some wristbands. They had them in the five Olympic colors. Cute. L got blue and I rocked black. You know, to match my soul. I thought that Foals sounded kind of interesting and will check them out further.

The Gutter Twins were boring so we opted for refreshing free beer. Saturday's schedule was the least compelling for me going in, so it was a good thing I'd borrowed an artist wristband for L so we could have somewhere to chill all day. After a quick freebie, we actually went home for a bit to catch up with my parents, see the little man, and, er, take a nap. Rock star style.

Came back for Jamie Lidell, who was pretty cool. K covered the set at least as well as I could, so I'll just mention my slight discomfort with the sax player's mock-Chinese outfit. I was digging the bassist/guitarist's Evel Knievel-style fringed jumpsuit though. I would love to find myself one of those. Probably a little warm though.

We heard a little of Lupe while heading to Sharon Jones, and it was nice of him to start off with his big hit. I guess he knew we'd only get to hear one song. The little we heard of Broken Social Scene while eating was fine, I guess. Not really festival-friendly. I think I'd need to know their stuff a lot better to dig their set, but from what I hear even the hardcore fans thought it was just meh.

Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings were pretty sweet. The Dap Kings were incredible, and the bass player was unbelieveable (and the bandleader -- as it should be). The guitar player -- whose name I believe was Binky -- took a good three minutes to announce Sharon Jones. Everyone should be announced with twenty awesome titles and nicknames by a dude with a cool voice backed by a funk band at least once in their lives. Sharon Jones is a force of nature. She invited dudes up on stage twice to sing to them, but when the second dude hopped up on stage again later, we learned an important lesson: you do not fuck with Miss Sharon Jones. She was not pleased, and let him know. He got the message pretty fast and ran offstage. She continued to rant for the rest of the set about how the stage was her home, and if she invites you in you are welcome, but if you come in uninvited she will whup your ass. Then she felt the need to do a gospel tune to calm herself down. Overall, pretty solid set, and the awesomeness of the band made it even better, although I went from "I would love to play in her band" to "I bet these guys look back fondly on when they were backing Amy Winehouse instead". You could just tell that she yells at them all the time. Demanding woman.

One great thing about Rage headlining on the other side of the fest is that the north side was empty. If I was into Wilco at all that would have been awesome. So we headed back to the artist lounge to listen to Rage. It was far more crowded than it had been on Friday for Radiohead. By getting up on a hill all the way to the side of the lounge, I could see the occasional arm or guitar headstock, but even better was watching the sea of people. It didn't look too violent from where we were, but that side of the crowd must have been the mellow part. I feel unqualified to comment much on the show, having not experienced it fully, but I'll just say it was pretty solid, and you could still feel the energy even way over where we were. Plus, they were tight as hell. Sounded like they'd played together every night for the past ten years.

Kind of an uneventful day, but it was good to rest up for Day 3 with all my sweet celebrity moments ...

Lolla08 Day 1 Recap

2008-08-15T13:10:00.002-05:00

It took me a couple weeks to recover from the three days of insanity that was experiencing Lollapalooza with an artist pass. Here is my traditional long-winded, overblown recap, for both of the people that ever check in on this blog (if I post more, maybe I'll get back up to my peak readership of 6!).

I met the three other Chicago Bang Camaro dudes at 8:15 am (which is just not a rock and roll time of day) so we could meet up with the band for load-in/soundcheck at 8:30. We headed over to the artists' entrance and found a security dude. The conversation went something like this:

"Hey man, where's load-in?"

"Um, you can pull in your trailer right over there"
(never mind that we are four dudes clearly not in possession of a trailer)

"Yeah, the other guys are coming with the trailer now, and we're meeting them at load-in"

"Um. Uh, what stage?"

"Myspace."

"Just go to the stage and meet them there, I guess."

So noted for future years. Could just be that it was the first day and they didn't have the routine down, or it could just be that I look the part (ha).

Anyway, it's a little surreal to walk around a nearly-empty Lollapalooza, even more than a half-constructed Lollapalooza. I'm fascinated by spaces that are normally packed when they are completely empty. It's like a postapocalyptic thing.

There was a bit of a line for trailer parking, so we had some time to kill and walked around a bit. I thought the portapotty by the sound stage would be pristine, but I guess that's the one everyone uses during setup. It was like day-2-level nasty. Not quite day 3, but still not awesome.

We met up with the dudes and hung out while they loaded in. I offered to carry some stuff because I would have felt like a jerk just standing there, but apparently they have a whole routine, and they don't even let some of their vocalists touch anything. So we hung in the shade a bit, checked out the Lolla trailer/green room (blissfully air conditioned), had some VIP cans of soda, and eventually did sound check. Actually, first they forklifted in our very own portapotty. That's VIP treatment right there.

Soundcheck was cool, just being on the giant Myspace stage is pretty awesome, surveying the empty field. One of the other dudes had a camera and took some pictures which I'll get sometime soon. Also it was nice and shady on stage and there was tons of space to hang out even when we weren't on. After soundcheck we got our credentials (sweet artist wristband) and meal tickets (breakfast, lunch, and dinner -- thanks, Perry!).

There was a dude hanging out backstage pretty early on who kept walking past the Camaro area and was carrying around a Rock Band guitar. Every time he walked past he looked all giddy but he was way too shy or whatever to actually come talk to anyone. You know I empathize with the socially awkward. Nerds are my peoples. I don't think he ever did talk to anyone, but he ended up front row center for the set.

We walked around the artist areas for a while -- walked through the Lollalounge VIP, which was very nice (but apparently our artist wristbands weren't supposed to get us in), and they have fancy air-conditioned bathrooms with real toilets and stuff. Finally found the artist lounge, which didn't open until 11 (it was about 10:40, and we needed to be back at 11:15), then found catering nearby but had missed breakfast. So we hung out and drank coffee and vitamin water and diet coke. VIP baby!

Anyway, we got back to the stage having failed in our quest to find beer. I mean, sure it's well before noon, but we're artists. We need beer to function. Since we were on in 5 minutes, and there was a beer stand just around the corner outside the artist area, I said, hey, let's give this a shot. The four of us went out there and said, hey man, where can an artist get free beer? They said, the artist lounge is way over there. We said, yeah, but we go on in five minutes. They said, ok, here, have a free beer. We said thanks, and enjoy the show. Of course when we got back, all the Camaro dudes were like, hey, where'd you get the beer! We shared our hookup, and everyone was happy. That's right, I hooked up the whole band with beer. I'd like to think it improved the show.

We went on and it was awesome. Apparently they opened the gates a little late, so there was literally nobody there 15 minutes before we went on. Actually that's not true, the dude with the Rock Band guitar was there. But anyway, they opened the gates and people came sprinting towards us. Most of them kept sprinting to camp out for Radiohead, but a few of them stayed to watch us. By the end of our set, I think there were 2000 people watching us. Someone else said 3000. I was all the way stage left, on the side near the entrance, and when we went all the way to the front of the stage for some group clapping, I had to lean out a bit to see the edges of the crowd. It was pretty cool.

L took some good pictures (they're on my facebook page) and one of the other Chicago dudes took a bunch of pictures from the stage that I'm looking forward to seeing.

Afterwards the Camaro dudes split up to do an interview at the Hard Rock, do an autograph signing session, and I think one other thing. You can split the Camaro up and do 3-4 events at the same time, and still have 5 guys at each. I went off to meet up with the family. Little Z enjoyed the show, clapped along, and tried his best to fist-pump. He'll learn.

We caught a bit of the Holy F*ck set that was on the nearby stage. Sounded like fun. Z was totally into it. Then my parents and Z left, and L and I had our first Chicken on a Stick (COAS) of Lolla08. With noodles of course. Strong. Seriously, I think I missed COAS.

We did the Parlor Mob next, and met up with K. They were on one of the side stages, which were beautifully set up this year, nearly entirely in the shade at the expense of room for a crowd. They booked it well, though, as there was nearly always enough space there (Girl Talk on day 3 being a massive exception). Anyway the Parlor Mob always put on a great show and they did not disappoint. They rock out. I'm a huge fan. They also boast a sweet collection of ill-advised 'staches. (Ill-advised if you aren't a rock star, that is.)

Next up: the Go! Team, on the main north stage. It was pretty hot in the sun and of course I'd been there since way early, so we didn't get as into it as we did in 06, but they put on a pretty solid show. I still think Ninja is one of the best lead singers out there. I don't always love when the other two ladies sing, though. Oh, and they were super-loud, but our new earplugs are amazing. They just bring things down to a reasonable level without distortion, and you can hold a conversation with them in just fine. Etymotic Research FTW!

We were still pretty mellow so we went to check out Duffy. I'm sort of a fan because she is Welsh (my adopted semi-nationality), and because she seems like she really has to work hard to have any idea how to act on stage. My theory is that she's a completely reclusive dork who just happens to have a really cool voice (once again, my peoples!). Her band is great, and she sounded pretty good, and we were a little in the shade so it was fun.

Since we've seen the Black Keys about a bajillion times, I didn't feel the need to get way up close for them, which is getting harder and harder anyway. On top of that, I feel like they're the kind of band you need to be able to see to appreciate. L is always worried that the drummer is on the verge of collapse due to dehydration. Really, she's constantly surprised that he can walk off the stage under his own power. Anyway, we decided to listen from afar, and in the meantime hang out in the shade of the Playstation 3 stage nearby and watch Cat Power set up. The Black Keys were the Black Keys. They always do what they do. We caught the first three songs of Cat Power, which was enough to know that I'd probably dig her album. The live show was a bit mellow for me at that point in the day, especially for standing on hot asphalt, so we bailed to check out the free artist dinner.

On the way there we heard a little Mates of State. Let's just say we walked a little faster. I'm sure they're lovely people and that lots of people like their music.

Catering was set up buffet-style, and it was okay. They had some pretty tasty smoked brisket, and the salad and veggies were surprisingly edible, but it didn't come anywhere near the perfect union of protein, carbs, and flavor that is COAS. It was cool to be in line and look over at a table and think, oh, hey Go! Team. They were even pretty energetic while eating dinner. I guess it's just how they do. So we ate, and then headed into the artist lounge for some free beers.

The artist lounge was pretty cool. They had a tent with a bartender station (serving only Tito's handmade vodka, vitamin water, and Sweet Leaf tea in whatever bizarre combination you could justify) and two beer stations (Bud, Bud Light, and Bud Lime -- if you can't find the latter just tie a Clorox wipe over the top of a Bud Light and drink it that way). A bunch of tables were set up outside the tent, and padded benches inside the tent. Decent amount of space, just behind and to the side of the main stage, so you couldn't see anything, but could hear pretty well. They had a little tent up a hill with two Rock Band setups. My major goal (unfulfilled) was to play Rock Band with Cee-Lo.

We listened to Bloc Party from there (better than expected), then were too lazy to go to the Raconteurs or CSS. One of the other Chicago Camaro dudes went to the Raconteurs, and got someone to drive him there on a golf cart. That was super smart of him. Nice work, Andy. He even watched part of the set from the side of the stage. Part of the reason we couldn't leave is that I had to sneak L in to the artist area -- we'd get two or three of us with artist wristbands to walk in with her in the middle and go quickly. I think the guards knew what we were doing, and kept asking to see her wristband too, but we pretended we couldn't hear (hey, we're artists, we're all hard of hearing) and they didn't press the issue. We had to do this a lot because they didn't have any bathrooms inside the artist lounge. Poor planning there. But hey, rock stars break rules, so fuck your rules, C3. Yeah. J/K I love you C3.

Radiohead was pretty good. I'm not a massive fan, but apparently everyone who is a massive fan thought they were amazing, and everyone swore they cried and stuff. There was a fortuitous moment when the Bears event in Soldier Field sent up some fireworks that worked out pretty well with the music. Maybe fireworks make people cry. I don't know. Apparently I either hate music or I'm dead inside.

I would have liked to have heard the Raconteurs and/or CSS and/or Stephen Malkmus, all of whom apparently put on great shows. But you know, I got there before 9. It's a miracle I made it all the way through the day. A Lollapalooza miracle! I attribute it to COAS, free beer, and being a rock star.

The best stupid little perk of having an artist wristband is that they let you in or out of any entrance you want. Actually, they were assholes to us at the main entrance (they actually confiscated sealed baby food we brought in for Z -- inexcusable), but super cool everywhere else. So getting home was a breeze. And one great thing about Lolla being over so early is that you can actually get a lot of sleep if you want to without missing anything, because recuperation is key to a successful day 2 and 3. As we all know, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Biggest surprise of Day 1: Holy F*ck. And that my mom kind of liked Holy F*ck.

Artist I felt a little bad for: Sofia Talvik, whose audience couldn't possibly have heard the first half of her set over us. Both of them were probably a little pissed. (OK, I keed, there were more than two people there, google her and you'll see why.)

Artist I am sad I missed: Gogol Bordello. Apparently it was epic. I'm apparently going to have to check them out live some other time.

Favorite Day 1 celebrity sighting: three way tie -- Duffy in a golf cart, Wayne Coyne wearing his signature white suit (no hamster bubble), and the Go! Team at dinner.

A little intimidated by: The drummer from the Black Keys. Hung out right next to us for hours. Should have said hey, or at least asked if he'd replaced his electrolytes.

Perry sightings: At least three. He's like a mischievous little elf.

Even the Romans played Dungeons and Dragons

2008-06-13T09:24:00.002-05:00

Christie's is auctioning off an ancient d20 -- said to be from the second century AD. It's kind of nice, too! If only I had enough money that 18 grand was nothing to me, I'd buy this and keep it in my dice pouch. Does anyone know how to say "natural 20!" in Latin? Did they play with paper and pencil or was it all stone tablets? I'd make a joke about rolling up some Visigoth characters, but I'm pretty sure the Barbarian player class hadn't been invented yet.

I could go on all day, folks, but I'm pretty sure that nobody else thinks this is funny.

Irony

2008-05-23T10:20:00.002-05:00

I finally have a referral to see an expert about ADHD-related problems. I got that referral two weeks ago. I haven't gotten around to calling yet. I think that's irony.

Idol is broken

2008-04-30T10:40:00.002-05:00

Apparently, American Idol ratings are down, and execs are freaking out. If you ask me, this is no surprise and is directly traceable to production decisions made this year:

1) Theme nights -- the last two weeks have been Neil Diamond and Andrew Lloyd Webber theme nights. Dolly Parton was a couple weeks back. Really? We're surprised that these themes didn't ensnare more viewers? If the demographic for the show were 45-60 year old gay men, then sure, these would have worked. And yes, these are all highly accomplished and wonderful musicians and composers, but very few people want to hear their songs, and only their songs, sung by amateurs for an hour or two.

2) The contestants -- obviously the contestants are not necessarily the best singers that showed up to auditions. There have to be hundreds, if not thousands, who audition and are on par with most of the finalists (but not necessarily the top couple). This year's crop are boring to watch, are not developing and growing over the course of the show (possibly because they were too good to begin with), and people don't care about them. I'm sure you can't always predict who will turn out to be the next McPhee or even Clay Aiken, but man, they went 0-for-24 this year.

Out of the final five, we have two who belong in a coffeeshop, one who should be making crappy Nickelback-sounding records, and two talented backup singers. That's the problem.

Anyway, if they really want to improve, the key is not changing up the format, or the judges, it's getting them to sing better and more relevant songs. Do away with most of the theme nights, or go with something looser. Instead of restricting them to one artist's songs, pick a genre, or do the decade thing again. And please, make the themes fit the contestants -- the Queen theme night was the only one where most of them looked comfortable, and there have been weeks where none of them knew what the hell to do.

It was awesome, though, when Paula Abdul gave Jason C comments on a performance he had not yet given, then tried to pass them off as her notes on David C's performance, and then said David C was her favorite even though the comments alleged to apply to him were fairly unflattering. That was good times.

Hillary Clinton fails math

2008-04-25T16:31:00.004-05:00

No wonder American kids can't do math so good: one of the main contenders to be elected President is completely wrong about how to round numbers. Read more here.

The math breaks down like this (granted, some votes are still trickling in, but not enough to change the basic math): Clinton got 1,260,208 votes in the PA primary, and Obama got 1,045,444, for a difference of 214,764 out of 2,305,652 votes counted (so far). Go ahead and plug those two numbers into a calculator, just in case you don't buy my math, but you'll see that 214,764 divided by 2,305,652 is actually 9.31% (rounded to two decimals, sure).

If you can find a second grader nearby, ask them to round 9.31 to the nearest number (or give them 9.3, same thing). They will tell you that it rounds to 9. They are correct. They will then glare at you to let you know this was a stupid question that you should have known the answer to. And yet according to the Clinton camp, this actually rounds to 10%, which is a double-digit victory.

The Clinton camp argument is that if you calculate each candidate's percentage of the vote, and round those to the nearest percent, you get 55% for Clinton (rounded up from 54.66%) and 45% for Obama (rounded down from 45.34%). The difference between those rounded numbers is 10%. It's magic!

Unfortunately, it's also completely wrong, deliberately misleading, and an insult to the intelligence of the American population. Yet many media outlets continue to report the 10% victory margin, which is 100% incorrect. It would be no less silly to round to the nearest 10% and say both candidates received 50% of the vote.

Maybe instead of No Child Left Behind, we need No Senator Left Behind?

AI Top 6: Are you trying to get me to stop watching?

2008-04-23T14:47:00.002-05:00

What could the producers of American Idol have done to make me even less interested in this season? Oh, how about having an Andrew Lloyd Webber theme night. Yep, that ought to do the trick.

And yet, it was enough of a trainwreck that I feel compelled to share my thoughts with you, dear readers. (Really? Plural, readers? Not just reader? Whatever.)

I did a lot of musical theater through high school and part of college. But the weird thing is, I never really liked musicals. I just did them. Make sense? No. But hey, who said people make sense? I keep asking myself questions on a blog. Most of the musicals I could stand were the exact opposite of Webber, anyway -- his stuff has always seemed so schmaltzy and self-indulgent. But then again, I like listening to Heart and Journey, so ... hey.

Syesha did some song from Starlight Express, which is a musical that looks phenomenal on paper. I mean, it's about trains. Trains that live, and love, and sing. Played by strings of actors on roller skates. How is that not the greatest thing ever, a marvel of unintentional comedy? Well, based on this I bet part of the problem is that the music is kind of crappy. It sounded like a bad takeoff of 50s-60s rock, written by someone who was not into rock at the time. Only into musical theater. Syesha rolled around on the piano, which was kind of fun, and she hooted and hollered like usual, and was flat and yelly as usual. And as usual, the judges completely ignored her pitch problems, and loved her. Whatever, she's OK, but she's not great. Also the word "many" does not rhyme with the way Forrest Gump says "Jenny" (or so says Emily, anyway).

Jason Bongwater does "Memory", which, OK, his whole deal is to either take a really cool song (Hallelujah) and do his thing, or take a really random song and do his thing. Either way, he does his thing, which is the same thing every time. And it's not really an Idol kind of thing. So he does that, and the judges hate it, but some weeks they love it, and other weeks they're meh. Even though it's identical. I think they sit around backstage and use one of those second grade paper fortune teller thingies to decide how to react, even before he sings, because they know it'll be identical every week. You know, you put the thing over your fingers, open and close it according to some ritualized choices, and then finally open a flap that says "you suck" or "that was pitchy, dog" or whatever.

I missed Brooke apparently forgetting the words a full line into the song and making the band start over, because at the beginning of her video package I thought it would be as good a time as any to take out a garbage bag full of dirty diapers. Normally I would have been right, but because our DVR is broken and we have to watch TV live (which totally sucks), I missed this. Enter youtubes. Anyway, it was pretty tragically bad, wasn't it? She's kind of a train wreck. Then while receiving comments, she looked even more like a cocker spaniel getting a scolding than ever before, what with all the shaking and the peeing herself. Not good times.

D.A.V.D. sings a song I've never heard of and does exactly how he do. I'm so bored of him singing blandly uplifting songs, and then talking in his shy husky voice with which he can't even hold a conversation. I much preferred him as a geeky 12 year old in a dress shirt singing Whitney Houston on Star Search.

I enjoyed when Webber let Carly get like a line into All I Ask of You, and was like, uh-uh, girlfriend, you're singing Jesus Christ Superstar. And he was right. She sang it. And it was awesome. I may be biased because it's the only Webber show I can stand, but I thought this was pretty solid. I even liked her dress. This was the only stretch of time during which I was substantially entertained.

Emo David of course gets to close the show, and the video packages were almost redeemed by Webber insisting that David sing Music of the Night to him, as if he were the most beautiful 17 year old girl in the world, and why are you laughing because that's not funny! In his mind, he IS the most beautiful 17 year old girl in the world. If he hadn't specified the age, it would have been merely awkward, but bringing notional jailbait into the equation tipped the balance into the realm of super duper creepy (aka the land of awesome). So weirdly enough, David opts not to rearrange the song at all, but sings it totally straight. And it totally, thoroughly sucks. It's like how Simon always tells the girls to not sing Whitney songs and try to sound like Whitney, except if the girls sounded more like Wing. The whole time I was waiting for the distorted guitars to kick in and for him to be all, ha ha, that was a joke, that song sucks, let's rock it out! But alas, for those distorted guitars were my Godot.

So that sucked overall. Carly was good, Syesha and D.A.V.D. were passable in retrospect, Jason Bongwater was slightly painful, Brooke was a trainwreck, and Emo David was the exact opposite of a trainwreck, which you would think would be good, but a train slowly passing by while staying on its tracks is actually just boring. So who goes home? If it were me, it'd be Brooke by a mile, with Jason C and David C rounding out the bottom three. Maybe it'll motivate them to do better. But I am not America. I think America will send home either Brooke or Carly (the latter of which would be absurd given this week's performances, of course), and I think Syesha will fill out the bottom three with them. But it could possible be Jason C in that third-bottom spot. What do you think?

Coachella by the numbers

2008-04-17T10:58:00.003-05:00

Randall Roberts writes a comprehensive statistical look at Coachella 2008 for LA weekly. I particularly like this chart. I am resisting doing a similar over-the-top statistical analysis of Lollapalooza 08.

One does not simply ROCK into Mordor!

2008-04-15T15:30:00.002-05:00

Hee hee.

Mets get Rickrolled

2008-04-09T15:13:00.002-05:00

Here's a non-Idol post for all y'all:

The Mets got rickrolled. The whole stadium. Brilliant. That's the best video I could find, but it's not great. Apparently they had a contest on the internets to replace their late-game singalong of "Sweet Caroline" (which was totally lame because the Red Sox have been doing that for years). They included space for a write-in candidate, and so the internets took it and ran with it.

This seriously made my week.

AI Top 8: Inspirational, or just crappy?

2008-04-09T09:17:00.004-05:00

So I skipped last week. It was kind of boring, and I just couldn't get into it. I suspect this is a sign of things to come this year. You see, I really think the contestants are tons better than in previous seasons -- but what was compelling before (I think) was to watch sort of ordinary people possibly develop into something special. These contestants already have it, and everyone knows it. There's no sense of discovery, or growth, and I'm just not that excited by anyone's personal style. I will say, though, that they're picking way more songs that I like this year. It's been all about Queen and Heart and so on and so forth ... out of the subset of music that I like that's great for a singing contest, they're picking well for me. It's not like anyone's going to bust out some Zeppelin or Sabbath, right? Actually, strike that, I can see David Cook doing Ozzy's Mama I'm Coming Home. But that's not Sabbath, it's Ozzy. Anyway.

So, inspirational music, huh? That's a pretty vague category, but should lead to some pretty schmaltzy stuff. Or at least that's what I thought initially. I wasn't totally wrong, but the selections were better than I would have guessed.

Boomer the Roo is up first, singing "Dream On", one of the very few Aerosmith songs I really like. And right off the bat, I think it sits nicely in his range, and he sounds great, avoiding the warbles that have plagued him in some weeks (they're like tribbles, but less fuzzy). I also think that a) there's no way he's going for that high note, and b) he doesn't need to go for that high note anyway. But then, proving once again that I have no idea what I'm talking about, he goes for it, hits it just fine, and then practically collapses onstage. I still don't think he needed to do that, but I'm impressed. His take didn't have much of an ending, but I actually thought this was pretty solid, and a great song choice for him. Simon disagrees, which is rare, because he's usually right inside my head.

Randy says something about how it was pitchy, and here's the thing with Randy and pitchiness, dog: I have a pretty good ear. I'd go so far as to say my ear is on par with a lot of professional musicians (hey, there are plenty of other things I lack, though). If I don't hear pitch problems at all, then they're either not there, or so slight that there's no point in mentioning them because nobody else watching will have noticed, except for like six old grizzled musicians. Or maybe one of those annoying people with perfect pitch. But then people are egregiously off pitch, and he says nothing. So I don't get it. And Paula starts off the incoherent topic du jour: chihuahuas. It didn't make much more sense in context.

Syesha is doing that terrible song that Fantasia sang in the finals of her American Idol season. Every single original song that's been on this show has been terrible, and this is no exception. So I'm not sure if it's sucking up to the judges, or Idol superfans, but I suspect she actually likes the song. Anyway, she's worse than Fantasia, who I didn't even really like but at least sounded interesting, and there are pitch problems, which of course go wholly unmentioned by Randy, dog. I wasn't mad at him though. This sure seems like the stereotypical Idol performance (over the top, screechy, not connecting with the song, but with plenty of vocal gymnastics and power notes), so I bet people liked it. And by people, I mean pre-teen girls who haven't yet developed an understanding of or appreciation for music or talent, but who vote a lot.

Jason Bongwater does ... wait for it ... "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", by that Hawaiian dude with the ukulele. Israel something. Who, you know, is a pretty incredible singer. And this song was literally everywhere when it came out, in like 4 movies, 8 TV shows and 4129 commercials all within a year. Yet Simon thinks he might have heard it once on the internets. Okay. the judges seem to love it, but he's going for the weird, quirky dude with a guitar thing (OK, in this case, a ukulele), which still makes me think coffeehouse. His spastic delivery is actually growing on me a little, as long as I don't watch him while he's singing. I don't know, I thought it was an obvious choice for him, and I thought it was solid, but very similar to the original.

We were certain that Kristy the Horsey Lady was going to do Amazing Grace. I'm sure some country singer has recorded it (LeAnn Rimes?). But no, it's "Anyway" by Martina McBride. Which, you know, is kind of one of my favorite transitions in this blog. Anyway. Simon rightfully points out that she looks good (or, as described by L, had all the trappings of Faith Hill), and Randy rightfully points out that there were pitch problems, yo. I think Paula said something about chihuahuas again, but I don't remember for sure. Neither does she, right afterwards. Kristy's bland, but not terrible, actually better than she had been for a while, but still a cut below most of the others on the show. Everyone knows it, her included (maybe not Paula, but I'm not sure she's aware of much). Anyway. (!)

Emo David continues to alienate me by flaunting his horrible taste in music, with "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace. I'm not sure I've ever heard it, but man, is this a bad song. Shades of Daughtry and his love for Fuel and bands of that ilk. I thought this was pretty bad, and I was just starting to really like him again. When he tried to sing with the gospel choir, they swallowed him right up. My theory is that his high notes are usually not quite in pitch -- which is a stylistic choice, not a flaw -- but he had to squeeze just a little harder to match their pitch, which left him thin and reedy, and since he was essentially singing with them, he got lost. They ate him right up. Then at the end of the song he gave Constantine eyes right into the camera and opened his hand, upon which was scrawled, "give back". Wow. What a douchebag.

Carly the Irish Lass continues to pick songs I like with Queen's "The Show Must Go On". Which is actually a freakishly depressing song, but sort of uplifting too, I guess. Except that, you know, he kind of died from the stuff he was singing about in this song. So there's that. And I don't know, it was fine, she was a little awkward, I still think she's 400% more of a rocker than Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse, but she does seem almost too busy powering out notes to connect with audiences. It was fine, but I suspect people (and by "people", I mean ... see above) won't like it as much as I did. And I only sort of liked it. Plus, this has huge potential to be one of those awkwardly prophetic elimination sing-outs, doesn't it?

D.A.V.D. sings some song called "Angels" by Robbie Williams. Simon muses about why the song was never popular in the States. I don't know, because it's a terrible song with lyrics that sound like they were written by an 11-year-old dying of a rare disease? Wait, that would totally go over here. Yeah, I don't know. Anyway. (!) This is classic Idol claptrap, with faux sincerity and ready-made spots for "soulful" runs. It wasn't quite as sanctimonious as David C's handwritten note, but it was close, though I swear if Small Wonder had cried during the song I would have thrown up in my mouth but he would have been elected Jesus on the spot. So, uh ... yeah. Not his strongest, in my book, but this little man isn't going anywhere for a while, except for if the Rapture comes.

Brooke the Nanny does the original Carole King version of "You've Got a Friend". Which is a boring song barely made tolerable by James Taylor's freakishly weird voice (and, really, the cool arrangement behind it which is sorely lacking from this version). And it's exactly like you'd expect it to be from her. She's very good at what she does, but she has no range, and I can't see her being popular with anyone who doesn't listen to Lite FM. Plus, every week she doesn't get smothered with praise, you can see her mentally calculating how much skinnier she has to get so they'll like her the next week. That, combined with the way she shakes like a cocker spaniel onstage when they're talking to her, freaks me out. I just don't see how she's relevant to today's music, and I'd like to see her get some help rather than be held up as an example of beauty ... she is a beautiful woman, but not a healthy ideal for young girls. In my opinion. Not that that's really within the scope of this blog. Anyway. (!)

I think Carly's in trouble, I think Brooke's in trouble, and Syesha will fill out the bottom three with them. If it were up to me, maybe David C would get a bottom three appearance just to give him a kick in the ass for picking such a crappy song and looking like a douche on stage. Hey, it could happen. I think Kristy did enough to save herself again, and if this keeps up, Hillary Clinton is going to compare herself to Kristy Lee in another couple days. You guys, everyone thought she was out, and then she wasn't! But just like Rocky, and Hillary, she's not going to win. I'd send home Brooke at this point, but I think it's going to be Carly, if only because of the song (seriously folks, think about how your song's lyrics would sound if you were eliminated -- if it sounds like a good "I'm going home" song, you're done!).

AI Top 10: Songs from when they were born (and in some cases when I was already in my teens)

2008-03-25T19:45:00.003-05:00

(extremely preliminary thoughts)

They abandoned the weird Miss America intros in favor of a group entry ... nice, like the Patriots a couple years ago when they decided against individual intros. I like. Paula is dressed like a five year old who got to play dress up in a 1980s-era expensive call girl's boudoir.

Ramiele obviously got the memo about needing to show some personality, and her intro package was better than before. Anyway, "Alone" by Heart apparently came out the year she was born. Wait, I know I'm a little old, but damn. I have a weakness for Heart. I'm man enough to admit that. Anyway, it was a little pitchy, dawg. Didn't Carly do this earlier in the season? (Note: Carly did Crazy On You a couple weeks ago, but she did Alone in Hollywood.) Ramiele, I like you, I really do ... but Carly just ate your lunch. From the past! Time traveling lunch eating. Nice. And I'm sorry, honey, the sick thing isn't an excuse, especially since it's been trotted multiple times this season already. I've sung my ass off when sick as a dog and been just as good as I am when healthy. Granted, I couldn't speak afterwards, but it's one song! Not even a whole song, at that! Push through it. Welcome to being a singer.

Jason Bongwater continues to take hits from the bong in his intro. I love his brother rocking the keytar though. I miss keytars. I don't miss "Fragile" by Sting. You know, I like the Police. I liked Sting in the Police. I do not like Sting on his own. I know he had a crapton of street cred from the Police, but he basically wrote wussy pop songs for years before anyone went ... hey, wait, his new stuff sort of sucks! No, all of his stuff kind of sucks! So when I say Jason's doing a respectable Sting, you should interpret it as a comparison to Sting's vocals -- which remain excellent -- and not necessarily the song. But he only looks at home sitting on stage and strumming an acoustic guitar. Not my image of an American Idol. He's good and all, but there's tons of dudes who can do that. What's special here?

Wow, is Syesha's mom not what you'd expect from a pretty girl's mom. Dammit, we have to hear her do the creepy baby cry again? That was lame the first time. It's not any cooler the second time around. She's singing "If I Was Your Woman". I don't know this song. Should I? It sounds like a Whitney Houston song, and it's actually rather good, but for me she's trying too hard to emote. She just is coming across as mildly schizo up there. Still, solidly better than the first two performances this week, and she really needed a strong performance after the last couple weeks. The judges are really pushing her on the audience, saying she's now a "dark horse". No, she used to be a favorite, and then she sucked for a while. That's different. Of course, she could have been shackled by the Beatles theme, but most of other contestants made it work for them. Is she one-dimensional? Although she's very good in that dimension, I haven't seen anything to dispute that claim.

Chikezie ignored everyone's advice and picked a song that really resonates with him ... yeah, because that always works out real well on this show. That is a sharp outfit though. Sounds like we're back in the Vandross mold, which, he's really pretty good at, but kind of bores me personally. His vocals have so much reverb on them that they just went back in time and stole Ramiele's lunch too. Here's the thing about Chikezie, for me -- he's really a very good singer, with a nice voice, so why don't I care? Is it his lack of personality? Is it that he looks like Carlton? I don't think it's Randy's idea that the style was too old school. Simon may have hit the nail on the head, though, in that it was kind of cheesy and boring. Maybe that's it. (Note: apparently this song is called "If Only For One Night". Again, never heard it.)

Next on Moment of Truth, somebody was totally unfaithful in some way! You'll be totally surprised! Usually the revelations on this show are about saving puppies and giving candy to homeless people.

Brooke the Nanny is going to do a Police song. Well, at least it's good Sting. Her mom says she's an awesome musician and can play by ear. My mom thinks I'm black. Moms think a lot of things. So "Every Breath You Take" -- or as she says, "Every Bre ... Every Breath You Take." Hahah! I think this is my problem with her, she always picks the most cliched, obvious song. Plus, despite her mom's claim, she's playing some really boring piano that's nothing like the original, just boring plonky chords, which ruins it. I'm not feeling this, even when the rest of the band comes in. Not even when she did her fake sincere, "yeah, I'm feeling this" nod at the end. She sucked me in for a couple weeks, but this was boring. My socks were not blown off. And nobody called her out on restarting the song! They would have nailed most of the contestants for that, but somehow, for her, it was a sign of her being a professional. Professionals always like to start a song on the wrong note, you know. As Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords would say, "It's just professional."

Boomer the Roo takes us into one of those awful family videos that people think you'll find hilarious, but you won't because you're not actually part of their immediate family. So "We Will Rock You", since Queen was his silver bullet last time. But wait, it's actually "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions"! The whole medley. Which is smart, because We Will Rock You was just OK and would have gotten old fast. We Are the Champions is rather good actually, despite him wussing out on the high note. At least he knows it's not there, and worked around it well. So I kind of dug that in the end. It's right in my sweet spot, of course, so I may not be objective, but I think that was his best so far.

Carly's mom is apparently the sister of Xena the Warrior Princess, and named Carly after Carly Simon, who they make sound like some sort of obscure artist. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is a tacky song that reminds me of drunk freshman girls standing in a circle on a dance floor and singing (badly but loudly). But it's right in her wheelhouse, although not apparently in the wheelhouse of the backup singers, who are usually fantastic. I'm liking the grit in her voice, but this is sort of what we know she can do. I thought it was pretty good, but the judges didn't seem to like it. I kind of feel like this is one where they'll come back tomorrow and say it sounded better on TV. Maybe. Not my favorite, but solid enough.

D.A.V.D. giggles to Seacrest that he is totally missing school dances to be on this show ... immediately resulting in tons of prom date offers. Seacrest thinks he has a crush on some girl sitting next to his dad. Man, I hope that's not his sister. Although is it incest if you're a robot? He does a song that I don't recognize from the year he was constructed. (Note: "You're the Voice" -- as if the title helps.) The song is pretty absurdly boring. The bloom's kind of off the rose for him, but it's not like he's not going to win, right? They say the song is by some dude from Australia I've never heard of. OK. He was fine, but he wasn't great. Meh. At least someone else might get a turn to get the most votes, which I'm sure he's done every week so far. Simon's comment about it sounding like a song at a theme park with animated animals is brilliant.

Oh, Kristy. I thought that singing Piano Man during Billy Joel week or Yesterday during Beatles week were the most obvious free passes, but "God Bless the USA" ... wow. The absolute apex of pandering. All we need is video of the US hockey team beating the USSR in 1980 and a crowd chanting "USA! USA!" The sad thing is that it's by far the best she's sounded on this show. It's not like she can pull out a song that's going to save her ass every week, but she did it for this week. It's devious gamesmanship to the point where I totally respect the choice. Well played, Kristy, well played. See how I talked myself into how brilliant that choice was? She absolutely bought herself another week.

Emo David is doing someone else's version of Billy Jean ... again, credit to the person who rearranged it. Good to hear them acknowledging that now. I think this is a very recent cover that I like a lot. It's great for his voice, even if he's still a little gloomy for my tastes. Let's not call him overly original like Randy says, because even though he's done innovative rearrangements nearly every week, they're almost all not his own creation. He is, however, making excellent and bold song choices, displaying a great knowledge of music and his own vocal and stylistic range, and singing extremely well. I'm pretty on board the David Cook wagon. I think that he takes the top spot from D.A.V.D. for this week, the first time anyone dethrones the champ.

This week is a little crazy because Syesha totally recaptured the magic, Kristy pulled a great performance (and brilliant, if gimmicky song choice) out of nowhere, and Brooke and David A kind of sucked. Plus Boomer the Roo finally found his potential. Just a lot of shaking up going on. I'm actually starting to legitimately like David C and I'm glad Boomer the Roo is bringing it.

If it were up to me, I think it's Ramiele's time to go. I like her, but she just hasn't been up to standards in a long time (since week 1, maybe). I'd put Chikezie and Jason C in the bottom three with her. That's right, Jason C. He's good, but I don't see what's so special here. There was a real good guitar player/singer dude in Potbelly's the last time I was in there, but nobody's pushing him on a path to stardom. I've heard that he's an excellent songwriter, and I totally believe that I'd like his original material, as I'm sure it's tailored to his (interesting, if limited) voice. I also think he's had enough exposure that if he went out of the competition now, he has enough steam to make it as a singer/songwriter. I think he has a far better shot at that than as an American Idol.

I actually think America's going to be with me on this, although it's a toss-up between Ramiele and Chikezie. I think the Davids are safe, the Aussie is safe, Kristy is safe (if not, the terrorists have won, right?), and Carly's probably still safe. I'm a little iffy on Brooke and Syesha, at this point, and they could be surprise bottom three choices (as would Jason C, for that matter). I'd actually like to see Brooke there because she could use a little bit of a spur. It's all been so samey from her so far. I still think it'll be Jason C in that third spot though.

AI top 11: More Beatles, less good songs!

2008-03-18T19:34:00.004-05:00

So, top 11! They're singing the Beatles! Which is totally different from last week's Lennon-McCartney theme (I don't think they mentioned the Beatles last week). The introductions are super weird with everyone taking two steps and then standing still and waving or something. It was kind of like Miss America introductions when they're trying to fly through all 50+ in the beginning without taking up the whole show. Except that Miss America is apparently now on like TNT4 or something. Anyway, Seacrest refers to Randy as "the very petite" Randy Jackson, and Randy really wants to give him the finger but settles for a reverse v -- which is totally the British finger anyway. Paula said "gumption". I think she meant that they have to be like Forrest Gump.

I want to give a shout out to our anonymous commenters (I'm pretty sure there's more than one of you). I am all about differences of opinion, and would love for you to sign in so I know who's saying what! I ended up having to work all weekend so didn't get a chance to respond to the last wave. Unintentional. I will listen to the Constantine clips as soon as I get new earbuds (mine broke today). I totally believe that he's better in a genre other than rock. Although if I remember correctly, he was in a pretty hard-looking band pre-idol, so it wasn't just the idol producers.

They're really milking the Beatles songbook, huh? Do they have the George Harrison stuff? Ringo's stuff? Because, you know, they accounted for a critical two percent of the Beatles songs (I exaggerate -- I actually like some of their stuff too). But anyway, they're going to have to switch up the theme soon.

Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse is kicking off the show ... and she says she's used to playing on flatbed trucks. Which sounds about right. She's doing Back in the USSR with a "southern rock kick". I can't wait. Yeah, this sounds like the 9th track off of a Skynyrd album that even hardcore fans don't like. Actually, I think she sounds tons better than she has recently. Unfortunately, I'm still not a fan. But I didn't completely hate it this week. I'm just indifferent. And already overloaded on the strobe effect. Simon makes an excellent comment that she's going to have to do something unexpected very soon. She completely dismisses him. Don't dismiss Simon. It rarely goes well.

Next on Moment of Truth -- we can't believe that someone else is a crappy husband or wife! We had no idea the interview would go this way! Even though we ask the questions. Honest! If it were up to us we wouldn't have aired this. Even though it is up to us. Right. Stop thinking.

Kristy the Horsey Lady totally thinks she's going home any second. I get the impression that Seacrest could tell her she's going home right now and she'd buy it. That would be hilarious. She's doing You've Got to Hide Your Love Away -- but only because she liked the title. She'd never heard it before. WTF? And you know what? It actually sounds like she's still never heard the original song. I'm all for switching it up, but only if you don't come up with a version that is 2000 percent suckier than the original. This is kind of tragic. On top of that, most of the song is too low for her ... dude, they arranged it just for her. Wow. I got the feeling she was going for a country torch song, but there was barely any feeling in it. You can't have a torch without heat. My initial reaction is that she's done. I think she assumed she was going home coming into this, and you could tell. She does threaten to blow Simon out of his socks next week, though, which ... could possibly happen. I still think she's going home.

D.A.V.D., fresh off of a memory reprogramming, is now merely sheepish about taking a dump onstage last week. He gets a shot at redemption with The Long and Winding Road, but his main goal seems to be to not forget the lyrics. Now, one thing that's cool about the Beatles is how they took some R&B influences and worked them into their jangly guitar pop. I think that combination is what made it work. Divorced from that underpinning, this comes across as a schmaltz-fest (not that the original was jangly, but this arrangement is corny). I mean, he's fantastic and all that and he so totally knows the words this week. And he's still going to win. Just once, I'd like to hear him take on Tone Loc or something though.

Kelli Pickler is going to be here tomorrow! I can't wait! To Tivo past her ass. Seacrest pimps the iPhone for a while and reminds us we can download (pay for?) each week's performances. Whee. Of course the phone he's using a) isn't working and b) belongs to some terrified 14 year old girl in the "mosh pit".

Boomer the Roo hearkens back to when he sang Bohemian Rhapsody. Which, to be fair, was the last time he was awesome. He's doing A Day in the Life, which I thought someone would do last week, but then figured it would be too hard to do a short version of. And it is. There's one rough high note early, and the rest is fine ... I'm just not sure what to do with it. You all know I'm predisposed to like him. I just thing that was a bizarre choice. There's bajillions of great Beatles tunes, lots of which would work for Idol (but lots wouldn't). Choose carefully. Paula babbles something completely and entirely irrelevant about earpieces ... and it turns out he's the only one not using one. Hah.

Brooke the Virgin Nanny is looking more and more anorexic every week. I'm not trying to make fun of her. It's a little scary. I've known lots of people with eating disorders. It's scary to watch. In her video package she has weirdly red hair in a braid, and looks completely different. Strange. She's doing Here Comes the Sun (George Harrison holla!). Exactly like a coffe shop guitarist from the 60s. A very good one. Little Z is soothed by it though. I think he likes her. It's a little weird to ornament this song because its beauty is in its simplicity. But it is Idol after all. She seems a little overrehearsed and like she's trying too hard.

Wait, can I download these performances on iTunes? I had no idea.

Emo David is doing the Whitesnake version of Day Tripper. Which sounds cool to me. Note he's citing his reference this week, eh? I'm completely excited that he has a talk box up on stage. Give me some Frampton junk! Yes! Totally friggin awesomely cheesy, and not nearly enough of it. You know, his vocals are reminding me of Daughtry. Really. But Daughtry just seemed so cool and chill, and David seems a bit full of himself. Which I guess is rock and roll, but eh. Overall, better than last week for me, so of course the judges like it less. Seacrest totally wants to use the talkbox but refuses -- why is he manhandling the mike otherwise? That would have made my night. I guess he's too much of a germophobe.

Carly the Irish Lass is switching it up with Blackbird. No power notes in this one. She's making it a touch bluesy, which I can get behind. She's totally showing off her low range, which is sweet. It gets a little power ballady, but I didn't mind as much as I thought I would. I think she's coming on strong. I think she's far and away the best technical singer here. Her explanation of what the song means to her in the face of Simon's song choice criticism totally won her a metric crapton of votes because she came across as sweet and (most importantly) relatable.

Jason Bongwater is still totally awkward, but props for pointing out the note that sucked in Hallelujah, because the judges didn't. He's doing Michelle (the song, not the lady). Which is going to be interesting. It's actually better and more controlled than I expected. And you know what? These vocals are the closest to something that would have fit wit the Beatles. Which is not necessarily good for Idol, but impressive nevertheless. Great song choice for him although I don't dig the song personally. Based on audience shots, MILFs love him.

Syesha gets to do Yesterday. Did they stage a pit fight to see who got that one? She looks scrappy. This song is like a free pass to the next week -- but I think she went a bit overboard. Too much dramatic phrasing, too much trying to squeeze in big notes. There's room for a little of that, but it's a subdued song. Think of the Boyz II Men version, for example; they didn't do that much alteration, but the did a ton with dynamics. She just sort of got loud. It was good but it could have been great. She's 100% safe after this rendition, but I think it compares poorly with Carly's quiet ballad. They both started off restrained and added in some extra runs and light power notes, but Carly's seemed less indulgent. I think Syesha slowed it down a couple of times, which made it a little cheesy.

Oh, hey, we can download this stuff from iTunes? I did not know that.

Chikezie thinks John Lennon is one of the best songwriters ever, and such a great dude ... but he's doing a McCartney tune (I Just Saw a Face). No mention of Sir Paul's virtues. I don't really know this song. Is it all slow and gospel until a random harmonica break? Is it weird that I like him best when he's countrified? Bizarre arrangement (unless the original's like that, in which case, weird song), but I'm all about down home bluegrass Chikezie. I'm baffled. He is far less Carlton this week. Yay! But he picked the most obscure song of the past two weeks. Boo!

Ramiele is going to bring us home with I Should Have Known Better -- upbeat is good for her. But this is kind of a throwaway song ... not much room for her to be awesome. So it's kind of boring. There are a few parts I liked, and she sold it a little, but bad song choice. I don't think the Beatles songbook is great for Idol. There are a few songs that are awesome for the show, but there's a lot of simple, singer-songwriter type stuff, and a lot of simple throwaway fun songs (mostly their early stuff). I don't know. A lot of it is great, but doesn't work in this setting. Which is not an excuse for her. I still like her and I hope she's safe, but that was also a fairly obscure song choice.

I actually thought Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse was second worst this week -- to Kristy the Horsey Lady. I'm guessing the latter is in more trouble, though, along with Ramiele. Michael Johns could hit the bottom three, too. My favorites this week were David Cook (not at all like Constantine or Chris Daughtry this week!), Carly, and possibly even Jason Castro (I keep liking him and I keep being surprised about it). I suspect it's Kristy who's going home. I may change my mind later though.

UPDATE: I'm going to have faith in America, or at least American Idol voters, and go with my gut that Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse is going to be bottom 3 along with Kristy the Horsey Lady. I'm still unsure of the third person, but Ramiele is my best guess, followed by Boomer the Roo and Chikezie/Jacuzzi (Ramiele and Chikezie at least partially due to the weird obscure song choices). I think Kristy goes home (I think she thinks that too), but would be more than fine with Amanda. Hey, I got what I wanted last week, eh?

Emo-nor Rigby and other random AI thoughts

2008-03-13T13:18:00.004-05:00

Has anyone else heard the cover of Eleanor Rigby that David Cook supposedly bit off of some crappy band from Seattle? On the radio this morning they played a couple clips from each version back and forth, and they were extremely similar (although David Cook sounded tons better on the vocals). That said, if you're going to do a heavy emo version of that song, which is a fairly obvious "twist", how are you going to arrange it? You have your guitarists play distorted power chords, you have your drummer do a weak John Bonham impression (if John Bonham were a less imaginative drummer, that is), and you emphasize the string bits in the background. That's the most obvious way to do it, and without hearing either version, I bet you most bands could create a version that sounds identical. There's nothing revolutionary here.

I did notice that David C sounded a lot better when you couldn't hear him. He's still oscillating between being like Constantine Maroulis (unbearable, and not that good) and Chris Daughtry (awesome, at least on Idol). Last week was Daughtry, this week was Constantine. There's a big difference, even if lots of people can't tell. I think that this makes Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse this year's Scott Savol, though I actually liked him for more than one week.

I also would like to award myself some propers for giving you not only the bootee, not only the bottom three, but also your fourth from the bottom. Not that it was hard, but still, I'm feeling pretty strong with my predictions so far.

By the way, one of the new "innovations" for this year's finals results shows: all of the bottom three sing! No more encores, either, because why would we want to hear one of the good performances again? Heck no, let's hear more bad ones! Incredible. And please, I hope they realize how stupid it was to have people call in "live on air" with questions. Please no.

Highlight: McPhee. Apparently little Z likes her as much as his dad does, because he stopped trying to eat the dog's chew toy and stared at the TV for the whole time she was on.

I also liked how Seacrest offered to mud wrestle with Simon. Seacrest has been daring Simon to call him gay on air all season, and although Simon keeps implying it (wink wink, nudge nudge), Seacrest correctly realized he won't actually go further than brinksmanship. Fascinating subplot.

AI top 12: what, no lucy in the sky with diamonds?

2008-03-11T19:19:00.003-05:00

How bad does that new intro suck? It looks like the opening of the Nintendo American Idol game. Not Gamecube. Old school NES quality. Man, I want to play me some River City Ranson. But look, the band is all up high, and Ricky Miner finally has room to groove. And there's a girls-only moshpit (looks like it's under-18, too, otherwise I'd have some jokes!). Same old Seacrest-Cowell footsies, though.

They've been pimping the Lennon-McCartney songbook for so long that of course it's the theme this week. What? No 90s week? Nobody's singing Creed? That's crap.

Then the judges make some broad and incorrect generalizations about Lennon-McCartney songs. They're not all big, and they're not all melodic, Paula. Simon rightfully points out that the difficulty level varies by song. Duh, Seacrest.

Syesha sings "Got To Get You Into My Life". Kinda Motowned out, of course, which kind of saps the interestingness of the song and makes it sound like a crappy Supremes B-side. She sounds pretty good, but I can't get excited about this. The last part was better when she didn't really have to stick to the tune, but ... then ... why pick that song?

Chikezie used to screen baggage at LAX. Sweet. That's the classic story, isn't it? TSA goon to mediocre lounge singer on a mid-level cruise line? He says he's going to "put his own funk on" "My Love Don't Give Me Presents", which, you know, I prefer people not put their own funk on stuff. The sight of him sitting on the edge of the stage with a fiddler, a banjo player, and a dude playing tambourine is mildly disturbing, but the beginning part with the bluegrass background is actually kind of good. The middle is kind of forgettable, but there are enough pretty cool moments ... he kind of brought it. He's looking more Carlton than Forest Whitaker in the sweater vest, which kind of clashed with the different styles he (finally) brought. I like that he stepped out, and I respect what he did.

Ramiele follows up the least interesting intro ever with "In My Life" ... starting with a creepy angle looking down on her on the stairs. Weird. This is a nice, little, restrained song that it would be easy to diva the crap out of, and she's not. I think she's having some micro pitch problems, and it's a little boring in the middle. I was coming around to liking her until she wailed out some high last note instead of singing it the way it goes. I thought that would have been a good song for her to show off her musicality, but ... yeah, not great.

Jason Bongwater is wearing daisies in his hair in his intro. Totally. He goes right back to the smoky, dank back of the coffeehouse with "If I Fell", with his guitar in hand of course. The audience claps along completely inappropriately. It's not that kind of song, losers. Apparently he can't hit song notes without looking like he's passing a gall stone and getting all quiet and breathy ... but then later his falsetto is really good. So ... huh? I suspect that he can't easily transition into falsetto. That's my theory. Anyway, where's my refill? Are they out of Splenda over there?

Carly the Irish Lass humors Seacrest, who asks what is on her shopping list. Boring. She says potatoes mostly because he obviously expects her to. Har har. No A Modest Proposal references? Step it up. She promises to change it up a bit with "Come Together", which is a song I love, and an endless source of band names. Juju Eyeball? Mojo Filter? Toejam Football? Morky Finger? It's awesome. Anyway, Carly's pretty good, too. I'm distracted by Ricky Miner grooving all by himself ... it's a great bassline, but really? You don't want to be anywhere near the rest of the band? Some anchor. I really liked Carly. Good song for her, we got to see a more soulful style from her (white soul, but still), and good delivery. Definitely her best yet. I wasn't quite blown away, quite, but she's clearly going to stick around and be awesome for a while.

Of course Emo David is going to sing Eleanor Rigby. It's proto-emo. And the turquoise nail polish? Kinda fifth grade punk. He rightfully points out that everybody knows the Beatles songs, so you really have to bring it. So there's lots of epilepsy-inducing lights flashing, and his collar is totally popped. He took a song that is gloomy, and made it into a shitty Creed song or something. When he gets to the high part, it's tons better. Maybe I just don't like his low range, or the Constantine Maroulis vibe (an alleged rocker I never cared for). Damn you, Word Nerd. I was just talking myself into liking you despite myself. Then you have to go and do that. Self-indulgent, overly emo, just ruined what was good about the song. Simon slobbers on him anyway, though, so I guess 12 year old girls will love this.

Brooke the Virgin Nanny is starting to look more than a little gaunt, and is singing "Let It Be", which was kind of predictable. Good song though. She missed a note early on, but her tone is sounding nice. Heh, the string section came in pretty quietly there, and now the band's in. I liked it better with her solo on piano. She seems kind of nervous, and there's no extra gear. It's not like she even needs to shift into fifth gear, she barely has a third gear. It was pretty good, and she has a cool voice, but I think she's limited. Don't get my wrong, she's been one of my favorites so far, but I worry this means she won't be able to do much different in future weeks.

Randy and Simon totally make fun of Seacrest for picking up Brooke's shoes. Apparently gay men like ladies' shoes. And pointing out that Seacrest might be a little stereotypically gay is cutting edge humor.

David Hernandez took a Beatles class in college, and drops some (meager) knowledge about "I Saw Her Standing There". Wow, this is pretty bad so far. He doesn't have the low notes, and he's opting out of the high "whoo"s. Which only leaves some mediocre, breathy singing in the middle. This is easily the worst of the night so far. I hope it stays that way. Seacrest points out that David "had a stressful week" ... is that an oblique reference to the stripping thing? Somehow, I don't even think it is.

Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse has far better hair. Still skunk striped, but long and feathered, and it makes her long far less terrifyingly bad. Then she makes fun of herself for sitting in the corner and being boring. Where she lives there's nothing to do ... which kind of explains why she thinks she knows how to be rock and roll. So she's doing You Can't Do That, which she's never heard before. Hah. Fantastic choice, then. Anyway, this is horrible, and I'm not going to waste any more electrons on it. I will disagree with Simon: she's not a breath of fresh air, she's like making out with a heavy smoker.

Wait, Boomer the Roo is from Australia? I never knew. He's done everything I can think of for work, which, I can think of some fairly sordid stuff, so I hope not. I do like how patronizingly supportive he is of his tennis student though. "Across the Universe" is a great song. He starts off pretty choppy, but by the "jai guru deva om" part, he's on it. I'm digging this. Not blown away, but that was nice. He put his own spin on it, which is hard because it's so simple and has been covered so many times. I like him. I realize not everyone does. I can't even point to anything he's done that was awesome since that short Hollywood clip of Bohemian Rhapsody, but I feel like it's in there. It had really better come out soon though.

Kristy the Horsey Lady is so from a small town, and this is totally different for her. Not at all like the time she was signed to Britney Spears' label. She's countrifying Eight Days a Week ... not sure that qualifies as a risk, since she pretty much always does that. Anyway, it's fast Dolly Parton-style country, not any of the kinds I can get into. At least she's sparkly. Her line dancing (and sort of horse riding) looks affected and corny at this tempo. The high notes at the end were pretty bad, but the rest of it she sounded good even if I hated listening to it. I guess she figured that some country was good last week, so more would be better. Not so, horsey lady, not so.

D.A.V.D. didn't really know Lennon-McCartney, but knew the Stevie Wonder version of We Can Work It Out, which is totally what he does. I'm glad he's back to upbeat -- holy crap, he totally forgot the words -- then again! Holy crap. That's shameful. Wow, and that falsetto gliss was bad; he didn't make it all the way up to the note. Wow. The mighty fall hard. I mean, he's still totally going to win, but what the hell just happened? There are finally chinks in the armor.

More analysis to come, but I think David H is done for, with the bottom three containing two of Kristy, Syesha, and Ramiele. I wish the Rock and Roll Nurse were going home but I doubt it.

AI top 16 ladies: lay off the mrs. bobby brown!

2008-03-05T19:12:00.004-06:00

More 80s. Meh. On the bright side, in a couple more weeks they'll be singing songs from the future. I hope they do one from the band I'm totally going to have a big hit with in 2014.

Asia'h totally fell while roller skating. It was so embarrassing. See, I Wanna Dance With Somebody is exactly the kind of craptastic 80s song I was expecting to hear this week. And her outfit, while not particularly 80s, is at least ugly like most 80s-wear. When will people learn that you just don't sing Whitney Houston if your style is anything like hers? You'll get killed. Randy seemed to like it because he recorded the original. I thought it was decent, but sort of choppy and without feeling. I like her voice, but I haven't been excited by anything she's sung yet. It's totally clear, by the way, that Simon adores her, even as he's telling her what wasn't good about that performance.

Kady's up next, and even though I kept confusing her with Alaina last week ... she's kinda cute. Not much more than half my age, but nevertheless. Like half of the other idols, her embarrassing moment is that she wasn't good on stage once. Anyway. I've already discussed that if you sing Queen, on this show or elsewhere, I'm going to judge the crap out of you. I mean, Who Wants To Live Forever is from The Highlander, one of those movies that I totally, wholly, and irrationally love. For about 80% of it, she sounded rather good, but her pitch was wildly off on at least one major note early on. Not like a little pitchy, but I think completely off. I dug her tone while she was on, though. Fine, but not exciting. A running theme for this year. Simon thinks she's boring onstage, and I see what he means. Seacrest says "if you want to vote for Kady and her lack of personality ..." Wow. Someone's cranky.

Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse is singing Joan Jett. Shocker. But she's so rock and roll she burns down pools. Whatever. At least her hair is sane this week, which really makes her look tons better. Her take on I Hate Myself For Loving You is a solid bar band cover. I know I said the Aussie guy's range is narrow, but she makes him look like a stylistic chameleon. I'm so completely over her. She'd be great and make money in a cover band, but she's massively outclassed here, not to mention that she looks completely dead in the eyes. Somehow Simon thinks it was awesome, though, which ... wha? That's one of the most baffling Simon comments ever, in my book. Seacrest continues to act like a spoiled toddler tonight by calling for her binky after Simon calls her out for being reserved.

Carly the Irish Lass somehow got her leg stuck in a railing, and her drunk friend got butter to grease her up. I'm sure only her friend was drunk, right? So she's wearing the terrible high-waisted pants that seem to be in vogue tonight. Her hair continues to be better, as well as her makeup, and she's kind of pretty as long as you can't see the pants. I don't recognize the song (I Drove All Night? Simon says Celine Dion) but there are some nice high notes for her to belt the crap out of. She's very consistent, and consistently better than most of the other ladies, but I am still waiting to be blown away. I'm pretty sure she's going to get a ton more chances to do it, though. I agree with Simon that it was kind of a crappy song that didn't let her shine. Oh, and her mom is kind of cute.

Kristy the Horsey Lady used to pretend to be a dog. And she's singing Journey (Faithfully). It's like they've been letting me pick the artists the past two weeks, but not the songs. Anyway, I wouldn't have recognized this as Journey if they hadn't said so, because it sounds like a generic boring country song. I don't know about this. There were a lot of held out notes that her voice didn't sound interesting enough to pull off. Steve Perry is all about insane powerful high notes, and this song doesn't work if you can't do that. Which she can't, evidently. Paula rightfully points out that she looks good -- they've erased some of the backcountry look. Simon points out that he totally told her to go country, and awards himself some propers. Anyway, he's also right when he says she's forgettable. I never remember what she sang or what it sounded like.

Ramiele is sort of 80s looking in an American Apparel sort of way, and Seacrest makes fun of her for having short legs. Seriously, is he not getting enough fiber or what? I didn't understand her embarrassing story one bit, but I love her voice when she's singing (Against All Odds, or the "take a look at me now" song -- a song I really could have been convinced only exists on American Idol). I think it's one of the better performances of the night, but nobody's been awesome yet. Randy mispronounces her name, then corrects himself and gets it even wronger (not merely more wrong, it was definitely wronger). I think a lot of the girls are just sort of blandly good this year, and really aren't bringing the personality ... they're boring onstage and in many cases off as well. I still like her a lot, and thought it was pretty good, but not outstanding.

Brooke the Virgin Nanny sings the inevitable Love is a Battlefield. A karaoke staple. Her embarrassing moment happened when she hugged someone outside of church. How wholesome. One of my problems with this song is how stark and boring the background is, but this is rearranged with some classical guitar strumming in the background and nothing else, with her sitting all intensely on the edge of the stage. All in all, I thought this was actually really good, but she lacked a fifth gear when she tried to wail out ... the big notes just weren't that big. Props for rearranging it to suit her, and for doing it in a different style (they keep harping on the need to do this, but nobody will say it to the rock and roll nurse!). Nobody's been amazing tonight, but I think that was my favorite. It's the only one that stood out, even if it wasn't perfect. I'm sure that not everyone else loved this, but I dug it.

Syesha had a crush on some guy in 2nd grade ... isn't that a little young? Man, I was still more into castle legos and transformers than girls until like 6th grade. It's another inevitable Whitney song, Saving All My Love For You. Once again, ladies, if you're going to sing it in the exact same style as Whitney, it's not going to make you look good. In this case, she sounds a little thin and weak compared to Mrs. Bobby Brown. I mean, it was pretty good, all things considered, but just fine.

In the recaps, I actually liked Horsey Lady Kristy a lot more than I remembered (the dress rehearsal was better perhaps?). Same for Ramiele. I still think Brooke had the only interesting performance of the night, even if she probably doesn't really understand the song.

On to the ratings, with changes from last week in parentheses:
Brooke the Virgin Nanny: 100 (+10, and believe me, I didn't expect her to be up there)
Ramiele: 85 (+25)
Carly the Irish Lass: 80 (-10)
Syesha: 65 (+5)
Asia'h: 65 (+5)
Horsey Lady Kristy: 50 (+10)
Kady: 20 (+5)
Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse: 0. Bored. (no change)

If it were up to me, obviously AtR&RN and Kady would go home. They're clearly my two least favorite, although in Kady's case, I want to like her. Her singing won't really let me so far, though.

I'm pretty sure America's going to send home Kady, but after that I don't have a clue. People seem to like AtR&RN for some weird reason, and most of the rest of the girls are really clumped together. I think that Brooke the Virgin Nanny and Carly the Irish Lass are the most safe, possibly followed by Horsey Lady Kristy, so that leaves Syesha, Asia'h, and Ramiele ... I don't want to see any of them go. I really don't have a clue, but I'm going to guess it'll be Ramiele, which will be a great tragedy, but I bet people aren't connecting with her because she's so closed personality-wise. She's a fantastic singer, though. Please let it be AtR&RN instead. One time, America.

AI top 16 dudes: hallelujah indeed

2008-03-04T19:11:00.004-06:00

I want to give a shout out to my man Gary Gygax, who passed today. He invented Dungeons and Dragons, which, despite its uberdorky reputation, played a large part in developing my vocabulary, love of reading, and creativity. (You already know I'm a total nerd, you're reading my overanalytical AI blog.) Gary, may you roll natural 20s for all eternity. The Prime Material Plane is the worse for your absence.

So we're one week from the "finals", and yet somehow Luke is still here. Anyway, it's the 80s! My least favorite musical decade! Whee! I mean, there were plenty of good songs, but there's no way they picked them.

(I will add links when they're up on Youtube, and may clean things up in a bit ... if this note is here, I haven't finished editing yet!)

Luke sings Wake Me Up Before You Go Go ... of course. By Wham! Not that I'm excited about Wham!, but isn't the punctuation part of the name? Hm, maybe I'll use some kind of punctuation in kid #2's name, whenever that happens. Anyway, George Michael's vocals are so wussy and thin on this that it's perfect for him. How in the hell is this guy still around? He's making George Michael sound like the Hulk! And his sister used to dress him in a tutu. OK. Randy said it was "a little bit corny", which is like saying that Rockin' Robbie's wig was a little fake and nasty. Paula just talks about herself, and then Simon busts on him big time, saying there's no way in hell he sticks around. I hope he's right, but then again I've been predicting him going home every week so far.

This one time in choir camp, David A totally screwed up while singing. OMG! So embarrassing! He's a friggin' robot that they put away in a little storage container between performances. On that note, I am re-nicknaming him D.A.V.D. in homage to V.I.C.I. from Small Wonder. Anyway, he's singing Phil Collins' Another Day in Paradise. Or maybe late crappy Genesis. Whatever it is, he sounds actually really good. And his arrangements are always way better than everyone else's, as L pointed out (and I noted his superior lighting and camera-work -- which really can't be his doing!). He wasn't show-stopping, but it was solid. Simon channels L, who pointed out that he needs to sing something more fun next week, although he's sailing to the final two unless he accidentally explodes like a Spinal Tap drummer onstage (in which case he probably tops out around 3 or 4).

Ferocious D totally tripped in front of one of his crushes, and then used an adorable little acronym to describe it! (ZOMG! TMTH!) His myspace is totally all pink and glittery, I bet. Anyway, Tainted Love, arranged as if performed by a cut-rate funk band at a wedding full of white people (ed. note: apparently this is close to the Pussycat Dolls version -- ha). And he actually sounds good, but I think America is going to be distracted by ... well ... him. I think he might be too ferocious. But he can't turn down the sass, so I'm not sure what the solution is. I like him, despite wishing he'd stop fulfilling everyone's fantasy of a super ferocious gay bff, and hope he sticks around for a while. Does that mean that I'm reinforcing a stereotype that defangs gay men and turns them into objects for our (my) straight amusement? Probably a little. And I'd worry about that more if he was, like, actually a real person and not an idol contestant (although he probably is like that for reals too, yo). Then I think: hey, it's his life, who am I to tell him how to live it? Then after that, I think, man, am I thinking too hard about AI. This is probably not an arena for social change. I'd just like to see more of him and less of the sassy gay stereotype that I think he's consciously playing up. I suspect he's a smart kid about that.

The most embarrassing thing that happened to David the Stripper (formerly Spray-Tan David) is that he had a booger on his face in some pictures. Not the naked lap dances. Or when America found out about the naked lap dancing on CNN (or more likely E!). No, David the Stripper's stripping is the new Rockin' Robbie's wig. Anyway, this song (which is apparently called "It's All Coming Back To Me", by either Celine Dion or Meatloaf, not that it matters) is cheesy as hell, and L points out that it's inappropriate to pronounce things like Celine Dion if you're not actually French Canadian. I thought it was kind of pitchy and really tacky. I always feel dirty after he sings, but now we all know it's his stripper-gaze. He'll probably be around for a while, and I can't really argue with it on the merits of his voice, but ... meh.

Aussie guy got beat up as a rugby mascot called Boomer the Roo in front of 20,000 people. That's the first good story of the night. Don't You Forget About Me (by Simple Minds) is the first good song choice of the night. Also totally the first CD single I ever bought. I was going to make fun of L for thinking this is an INXS song, but Randy seemed to think so too. It's totally not, but whatever. He wimps out of a couple high notes, but sings some higher notes later, so I'm not sure what's up with that. So I still love this guy, but I'm starting to think that his stylistic range, while unique on this show, is rather narrow. He'd make a phenomenal rock and roll frontman (and I'm sure he has), but he needs to break out of his mold. I still think he can do it, but he hasn't quite yet ... which is exactly what Simon says.

Apparently AI roadies can't set up a single guitar and amp to save their lives. Someone's getting fired! Anyway, Emo David totally forgot the words on stage one time! Jesus, don't these kids have lives off the stage? Have they discovered girls yet? Anyway, it's a creepy rock rethinking of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" -- which I wholly and completely condone. I actually like the arrangement better when it's just him on guitar, as it gets cheesier with the full band, which saps some of the power of the vocals (and the cool reinterpretation). I had to watch this twice, because I really didn't like him in week one ... but I really liked this. I'm a sucker for drastic reinventions, especially of corny songs, but this is straight up good on top of that. (Plus we noticed Luke dancing like a cheeseball on the balcony the second time.) I don't know that it was the best performance of the season so far (likely not), but it was almost definitely my favorite. The Word Nerd is quickly becoming a strong contender in my mind.

Jason Bongwater points out that his embarrassing moment was when he was totally on a date with a girl. Just so we know he's not gay (like everyone else). So he's not playing guitar, which he needs to prove he can do without. The Jeff Buckley "Hallelujah" is a friggin' brilliant song, the kind that I forget how great it is until I hear it again. It's also kind of a hard song, because the singer absolutely has to command your full attention. You have to hang on every single hallelujah, and the melody is totally critical. His voice betrays him on one low part and he totally cracks on a critical high note at the end. He doesn't really pull it off, but I respect the effort. Randy says exactly what I already typed. I don't agree with Simon that it was brilliant, but it was good enough that I'd like him to be here for a while. He outright missed a couple notes, which in my mind automatically rules out brilliance ... but still, not bad.

Usually the first and last singers are among the strongest, but not this week! Chikezie totally used to poop in the ladies' room. Holla! Anyway, he quickly points out that he's the only black person left with the song choice (I didn't recognize it, but apparently, "All the Man That I Need" by Whitney Houston -- of course changed to Woman so we know that he, also, is not gay). It's pretty good, although he misses a couple of runs. I suspect I like him more than the voters will, but I won't be too upset when he goes. He's solid, but unspectacular. I mean, I like him, but he's never going to win, so I can't get too into it.

I thought this was a surprisingly good week considering the theme and last week's general suckiness. Onward to my overall rankings (and the changes from last week):

D.A.V.D.: 100 (no change)
Emo David: 80 (+50 ... yes, he earned it)
Boomer the Roo: 75 (+20)
Jason Bongwater: 65 (+30, made up for last week)
Ferocious D: 50 (+5)
David the Stripper: 40 (-15)
Chikezie: 30 (-10)
Luke!: 0 (no change -- seriously, please send him home)

If it were up to me, Luke would go home (weeks ago, actually), followed by probably Chikezie. Although I might send home David the Stripper just because he's annoying me, he's definitely the better singer. Besides Luke, nobody sucks, so a good singer will have to go. Did I mention that I think Luke is not a very good singer? Because I think he's not. If that wasn't clear.

I can only retain my faith that America will finally come to its senses and send Luke home (please?). The second bootee will probably be either Chikezie or Ferocious D, but I'm going out on a limb a bit with David the Stripper in a surprise boot. Even though he's one of the better singers, I don't think he's connecting with the audience, and we haven't let the judges complain too much about who's been going home each week -- they need a chance to bitch about America's collective judgment.

AI top 20 ladies: Better song choices, but ...

2008-02-28T10:55:00.004-06:00

The judges all talk about how the dudes were awesome last night. I don't know about awesome. They were better, as a group, than last week, but nobody was really good except for the Little Juggernaut, who has the power to shoot rainbows out of his mouth and summon fuzzy kittens to do his bidding. Which, I mean, how can you fight that? You can't. One kitten isn't much to struggle against, but a whole mess of them can get pretty daunting.

I continue to be sick of the "America would be surprised that ..." because the "revelations" are obvious at worst and pedestrian at best. Heck, even Rockin' Robbie's wig, the worst-kept secret of the week, is off limits (yes, there's confirmation of it now; I don't have the link, but Justin's blog, to the left of this page, does). If I hear one more "my secret is that ... I love cupcakes!!!", I'm going to have to start fast forwarding through these sections to avoid having to ... well, that's my secret.

Carly the Irish Lass works in an Irish pub. I can't even ... let's just move on. I hear the opening strains of Heart's "Crazy On You" and I get excited. I love Heart. I think it's a good match for her voice, even if this is a particularly difficult Heart song. And I'm also glad they finally made her hair look good. She's looking cute, but still retaining her "edge" with the enormous tattoo. I thought her dynamics were very good, and I completely disagree with Randy that the verses were just throwaways. They were less intense, but appropriately so. I loved how winded she was when she was done singing. I've always felt sick after my best performances from putting everything I had into it, so I think that's cool to see. I do agree with Simon that she is the sort of singer who should find a song to just blast out of the park, and this, while very good, wasn't that signature moment. I think it'll happen, though maybe not soon with these stupid theme weeks.

Syesha sings Billy Preston's "Me and Mrs. Jones". Or Mr. Jones, as she carefully overenunciates each time. We should be surprised that as an actress she was in a commercial, but what surprised me is that I totally remember that commercial. And she does a really creepy baby crying impression. She says it's critical for actors to be versatile, but I can't think of any situation in which that would actually help her get a job. Syesha's looking good, which helps because she starts out pitchy. Unlike Carly, I do believe that she's half-assing the slow and quiet parts; unfortunately, this song is 90% slow and quiet parts, and the loud parts aren't all that impressive either. The judges all say it was a bad song for her, and Simon's weird half-moose-antlers hand gesture from last night is back. Then Seacrest asks her about the nontraditional arrangement of the song, which Syesha seems not to comprehend, but neither do I. It sounded exactly like the original. Anyway, I like Syesha. She has something, but she has not at all brought it yet. It needs to happen really soon.

Brooke the Nanny is up next, and she went to beauty school. For all her talk about hair, her own hair looks terrible in this video package. Her hair looks great live, though, as does the rest of her ... except for an anorexic lollypop head thing going on. It's mostly her enormous hair. That or her anorexic body. Maybe both. Anyway. I don't have a lot of love for Brooke so far, but I have to say her take on Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" is really pretty good. I think the chorus is just a little low for her, and her demeanor isn't right. You can't be all sunny and happy singing this song, you have to be jaded and ironic, which I don't think she's capable of. I enjoyed the tone of her voice and didn't even mind the little country twang. The judges love it, especially Simon, who I think still thinks he can get into her pants. Dude, there's no room in there. They're tiny.

Ramiele took dance lessons growing up. Whee. "Don't Leave Me This Way" starts off kind of cool, breathy, and restrained, but the first "aahhhh ... baby!" is a little weak. While I think she sounds better than most on the parts that would be throwaways for the other ladies, she's overall kind of boring and nowhere near as good as last week. Simon disses her and the song, and Seacrest nearly makes him snarf later by asking him if he wants that song played at his wedding. Then Ryan asks Ramiele why she changed her song so many times (four!) and drops some wisdom about needing to trust your instincts. The judges seem surprised at actual insight coming from Seacrest and rub his little tummy for a while. Regardless, I hope Ramiele wasn't just a flash in the pan, and I hope she starts showing some personality.

Horsey Lady Kristy is a tomboy (I know, it keeps getting more and more shocking!) because she does things that no other girls like to do and all boys do like go camping, and ... ride horses. You're right. No other girls ride horses. Anyway, she's singing You're No Good (Linda Ronstadt, as Seacrest helpfully points out), and she is very sparkly. Very very sparkly. She has a nice tone to her voice, and she's looking good, although a little bit like she's at a rowdy bachelorette party in Atlantic City. Which is fine, if that's your thing. I thought it was a pretty solid, if unspectacular vocal. Way better than last week. I suspect she's going to be around for a bit regardless, but I think she's earned another couple weeks. Or it could be the outfit. Simon tells her to go more country. Which, duh, she's a horsey lady.

Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse looks completely and utterly insane. Between the hair and the pants (trousers?), the effect is not rock and roll, or wild free spirit. It's one hundred percent crazy person. Anyway, of course I love the song Carry On My Wayward Son, although I'm surprised to hear Kansas on AI. She tells us that she's a big reader ... of biographies of rockers. As she says, "because you can never be overeducated" ... about rockers. This does not make you intellectual, it makes you one dimensional. As you may be able to tell I'm kind of avoiding talking about this performance, because she sings horribly (pitchy and disjointed) and moves like a tarantula victim, which combined with her look makes for the trifecta.

Alaina is up next and doesn't like her food to touch. The peas cannot invade the mashed potatoes! So she's an idiot. Her voice is nice enough, and she's reasonably cute, but Hopelessly Devoted to You? Grease? Really? I guess girls might like this, and girls vote or whatever. The high part is a little screamy. I don't know ... just blah, vocally, and she seems bland personality-wise, too. She's almost pretty, kind of a good singer ... meh. And then Seacrest claims not to be into dresses and women's shoes, which we all know is bull.

Alexandrea sang at ground zero after 9/11, which sounds impressive except that she basically randomly showed up there and started singing. Anyway, it's that Biggest Part of Me song by Chicago that always cracks me up. The biggest part of me is bored, and wondering why she's wearing a big puffy fest. She's competent, but boring, and her voice doesn't sound interesting either. The judges keep talking about how they're doing vastly different arrangements, and yet every single one sounded exactly like the original to me.

So Kady, who does vocal impressions, also sings opera. In the bathroom. She sounds like a decent teenaged singer who might be the best in her school, but ... anyway, more Heart! Magic Man! It looks like she is wearing a boring dress that someone bedazzled, except with large cheap brooches instead of ... dazzle. I don't know ... it's just a little weak. I guess she was trying not to impersonate anyone but ... it was bland. If that's her normal voice she should go back to impressions. She's nice looking though. Seacrest asks her to thank him as Britney, which, if I knew her, I'd demand she only speak to me using her Britney voice. It's more than a little hot.

I forgot that Asia'h is still only 19, but I am not surprised she was (is?) a cheerleader. She's singing, All By Myself, wearing the world's largest belt. The low slow stuff is pitchy, and she whiffed completely on one of the chorus notes. The high stuff is very screamy, and she does that stupid fake vibrato thing by rapidly opening and closing her mouth. It's sad. I think she kind of sucked. She didn't just get sick today; have a backup plan or pick a song you can always sing. I've performed very ill many times, and I always bring it. Especially if it's only for one song. Especially if that song is massively shortened. Just bring it.

Here are my rankings, along with changes from last week:
(I can't give anyone 100; I don't think any of them deserve it, so top score is 90. I realize that makes no sense when they're graded on a curve, but tough.)
Carly the Irish Lass: 90 (+10; kind of by default)
Brooke the Nanny: 90 (+45; hey, I'm as surprised as you)
Ramiele: 60 (-40)
Syesha: 60 (-30)
Asia'h: 60 (-30)
Horsey Lady Kristy: 40 (+35)
Alexandrea: 40 (-40; as predicted)
Kady: 15 (-5; but she owes 3 points to Britney)
Alaina: 10 (-30)
Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse: 0 (-35)

I'd send home Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse and not even think twice about it, and it looks like Alaina would be my other bootee. Between Alaina and Kady, I have no idea what either's deal is, what kind of music they sing, what they're like, but Kady seems just a teeny bit more interesting. On the other hand, I have more than enough information about Amanda the Rock and Roll Nurse to know that I'm completely done with her.

I think America's going to part ways with me here and send home Alaina and Kady; I think they're going to get less support than AtRaRN. Although, to be fair, I think only Carly the Irish Lass, Brooke the Nanny, and Horsey Lady Kristy are actually really safe now. I just think the rest of the women are pretty close together, so it's a little tough to guess.

AI Top 20 guys: butchering my favorite decade

2008-02-27T09:05:00.002-06:00

It's 70s week, and there's a lot of great music that came out of the 70s (as Paula helpfully explained to us during the show). There's also a lot of terrible music, and a lot of terrible-but-still-awesome stuff. And yet, once again, we got a lot of poor song choices. People want to hear songs that they already know at least a little, unless you can find a true hidden gem that nobody remembers. But at the same time, there are some songs that people have heard a billion times, and so you had better be incredible if you're going to tackle them. Dear readers, what would you have sung this week and last if you were on AI? I'm thinking last week I would have worked out some Motown, possibly I Heard It Through the Grapevine, or even better, You Keep Me Hangin' On, and this week something a little more epic like Bohemian Rhapsody or We Are the Champions. I'll have to think about next week's inevitable 80s theme. I have my 90s song all picked out.

Anyway, last week the dudes were all mostly competent, but mostly boring. Unlike previous years, it's not the case that half the finalists totally suck. But there's a lot of people up there that will never make it as solo artists.

I usually love the run past the camera intros where the contestants attempt to sum up their entire raison d'etre in a brief gesture. Not much spectacular this year, except for Colton's ill-fated two-gun salute from last week, which worked out well, huh? Lots of peace signs and waves, and I'm constantly surprised that Rockin' Robbie doesn't throw the metal horns and stick out his tongue like Gene Simmons. Me? I would walk by and spare an uncomfortable glance to the camera, accompanied by either a cool eyebrow lift, or possibly a chin-up acknowledgement. You know, to say, hey, I know you're there, and I'm not really loving the spotlight when I'm not singing, so let's get to it, hey? Which would so totally not actually come out cool. Anyway. Rockin Robbie's hair looks completely gross, but hey, no bandanna! (More on that later.) Danny manages to sass the camera so ferociously that I feel like I just watched Project Runway. I'm waiting for Jason C to just own up and smoke a fake doobie in this intro, but alas, not yet.

Also, check the youtube links to each performance -- how's that for convenience?!

Aussie plays tennis, apparently (I can never remember his name, possibly because Michael Johns is a boring name, as well as two first names, so we're sticking with the nickname -- I sense a running theme!). I don't know tennis, but he doesn't look that good at it. I thought Aussies played cool sports like Aussie rules football and rugby and soccer. Well, at least I know they don't drink Foster's or eat at Outback Steakhouse. Anyway, Aussie's looking a little seasoned here, like a soon-to-be-grizzled veteran frontman, which is cool, except if you're trying to get young people to like you. I have every reason to like this guy ... except for this week's performance of "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac. Sorry, mate. Loved you last week (when not everyone agreed with me), but this week the high parts were really thin and strained. You could say his voice went its own way. If you liked to make stupid puns, which I don't.

Jason Bongwater makes me look comfortable in front of cameras! I maintain that he'd look like a total dork without the dreads, but that he'd make a whole lot more sense if he just carried a bong around with him. At least he didn't say America would be surprised that he's a stoner. Because, well, we wouldn't be. I would have liked to see him without the guitar, because I kind of think he's hiding behind it. Weird song choice in the Bee Gees' "I Just Wanna Be Your Everything", because it's not recognizable as performed by a dude in a coffee shop. I think this was a massively important week for him because he kind of came out of nowhere last week, and he didn't really keep the momentum going. Next week he needs to put down the guitar and do something different, or he'll be in big trouble, but he's going to get an extra week or two because of week 1.

So Luke is in a pro a cappella group. Hunh. Didn't see that coming. If I didn't already hate him last week, he commits the #1 way to make me instantly hate you: butchering Bohemian Rhapsody. My relationship to that song is complicated and nuanced, but I can't stand idly by while it's mangled. So even before he launches into "Killer Queen" I'm wincing ... and yet somehow it only gets worse. Look, that's a brutal song. It makes no sense, the melody is all over the place, and you kind of need to have a wispy handlebar 'stache and wear a manitard to pull it off. Not just stand there and look dopey and moon-eyed and sing extremely wussy and only sort of on-key. Through some bizarre quantum mechanical Many Worlds accident, the judges seem to have been shifted from an alternate reality where sucky is good, because they sort of praise him. You know what though? I am from this reality, and that was really rather awful. That's not even strong enough, so let me put it this way: I've been in a number of a cappella groups, some rather good, but none pro, and that would not fly in any of them. If he was the best soloist we had for that song, we would have decided not to perform it at all. We would have instead dropped into our set that cheesy version of Cecilia that everyone else does too.

When Rockin' Robbie comes on stage, we're all looking at his hair. Or are we? I heard from two totally independent sources that they were positive this was a wig. Which would explain the bandanna (as I was positive he was balding under there), but not why his hair looks like he's been playing in the mud all day and hasn't bathed in weeks. Or is that rock star hair? I don't think so. Anyway, we should be surprised that he races cars, which is SO TOTALLY ROCK AND ROLL !!!!1!1!one! And then he sings Foreigner (Hot Blooded), a song choice which really warms my cockles (I think they're right below my spleen). The thing about Foreigner that makes them secretly kind of good is that the vocals are totally over the top, but Rockin' Robbie's so far under the top that he probably couldn't see it even if his fake hair wasn't in his eyes. Despite his claims of being hot blooded, Randy correctly points out that there are many ways to be a rocker ... none of which he can pull off. Then Rockin' Robbie throws an un-rocker-like tantrum. Dude. Just embrace your balding mediocre pop singing self, and let's move on.

Ferocious Danny thinks we'd be surprised that he was in a bad but very gay punk band that was terrible and played one show. We're not. I would also not be surprised to find out that he actually really thinks he's a large black woman. You know, I'm torn between being entertained by him and kind of depressed, because he's really not shattering any stereotypes. Is he just playing the minstrel role of ferociously gay boy? Did we, as a society, create Ferocious Danny? How should I feel about that? Anyway, when he's singing, and he really believes he's a large black woman, and not a little dude pretending to be, I actually kind of dig what he's doing. When he gets back to gaying it up for the camera, I feel a little sad. Anyway, the judges seem to be back in that alternate universe, because they didn't like him. But they liked Luke. This is like that movie Event Horizon, which if you haven't seen ... don't. And how can they knock him for trying too hard? Morphing into a different race and gender and adding two hundred pounds in your mind is not exactly easy.

Spray-Tan David's "Papa Was a Rolling Stone", evidently. OK, I'm well aware that he's Hispanic, and probably naturally darker complected than I am (who's not?), but it doesn't look natural. It's either an overly enthusiastic spray tan, or way too much foundation, and Too Much Foundation David doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Anyway, the vocals are surprisingly (to me) rather good, even if he still creeps me out with his skeezetastic facial expressions. Although some of his random high notes are pretty sharp, which Randy neglects to call him out for (despite being the Arbiter of Pitch). For me, it just sounded like vocal gymnastics rather than a song (and hey, he was a gymnast ... hunh); it was a loosely connected series of show-offy runs rather than a cohesive whole. But it was still better than anything else we've heard tonight except for maybe Ferocious D. At this point, I am perfectly content for him to make the top 12, and then be a "shock" elimination around 9th or 10th. That's about where he's headed. Also, Paula claps exactly like my 10 month old.

Frosted-Tips Jason thinks we'd be surprised that, as a musician, he plays multiple instruments. Come on guys, you gotta dig a little deeper than this. I actually like his frosty hair better when it's all pretend-crazy rather than faux-respectable like last week. I think that "Long Train Running" is a great song for the right person -- the range is narrow, but if it's right in your sweet spot and you can belt it out in true Doobies fashion, you're good to go. Sadly, it's not in his sweet spot, and even more sadly, he overreacts to last week's criticism and gyrates and shimmies like a shy drunk girl coaxed into amateur night at the strip club by her friends who don't really like her and want to embarrass her. My first thought, without even considering the other performances, is that he's in very big trouble.

Chikezie, who needs no nickname, thinks we'd be surprised that his name is Nigerian. Dude, I totally thought you were Korean. You so got me. Anyway, he has a far better song tonight in "I Believe To My Soul", which I don't really know, but gives him a chance to work it out, and a surprisingly un-cheesy way of working his name into the song. The double polo shirt, while an improvement over last week's suit, pulls him more to the Carlton from Fresh Prince end of his look, rather than Forrest Whitaker. He's completely lucky to still be here this week, and he appropriately seized the day. Still a little corny (either his hairline or his smile is to blame), but I am entertained. His banter with Simon is far better, but he still needs to shut up once in a while. I liked his quip about liking his suit, but not wearing it again on TV, and I also liked his shout-out to the backup singer. I hope he got her digits.

Emo David picks "All Right Now", a completely overplayed song by underrated rockers Free. He's playing a cool-looking lefty Les Paul (knockoff?), which I think hurts him, because when he tried to play a guitar fill, it kind of sucked. If he'd thrown in a blistering 4-bar guitar solo, I would have been thrilled, but now I'm not sure why he played, other than to look cool holding a guitar. The singing is better than I expected it to be. I'm not sold on him, but that was OK. I am completely amused by his "word nerd" revelation, especially since the cavalcade of supposedly obscure vocabulary is fairly unimpressive. Not necessarily his fault. Also, probably a bad secret to tell because it reinforces that whole lack of personality thing. I should love a word nerd, but it didn't really help him here.

David A needs a nickname because there are too many Davids. And I like nicknames. Based on this week's performance, I'm calling him Little Juggernaut, but that's a little long, so how about 'Lil Jug? LJ? I don't know, what do you guys think? "Imagine" is a brilliant song, one of the few great choices of the night. Normally I hate when people play with the melody too much, but he's done this exactly the right way; it's there for the parts we need to recognize, and tastefully altered elsewhere (with some cool rhythmic variations). I'm still not convinced he's actually 17. Anyway, this thing is totally his to lose, whether you like him or hate him. Paula is either bawling or spilled her vodka all over her face, and the audience is clearly going apeshit for him. Even his normal self-deprecating mumbling is under control, which is a good sign for him. He's in control, this little man.

So here are my rankings, along with changes from last week:
Lil Jug: 100 (+5)
Aussie: 55 (-45)
Spray-Tan David: 55 (+25)
Ferocious D: 45 (+5)
Chikezie: 40 (+30)
Jason Bongwater: 35 (-30)
Emo David: 30 (+30)
Rockin' Robbie: 30 (-15)
Frosty-Tips Jason: 15 (-35)
Luke: 0 (no change)

If it were up to me (as everything clearly should be), Luke and Frosty-Tips Jason would go home, with Rockin' Robbie staying around mostly so I can get another look at that rug, and Emo David getting another week out of nerd solidarity. Sadly, it is not up to me, and I don't even vote. I think a lot of people are in trouble this week; I'm only really sure that my top 3 guys are truly safe. America could not be connecting with Ferocious D. Chikezie may not have redeemed himself to others as he did in my eyes. However, I'm going to have some faith in America (or at least the 12 year old girls), and say that they'll send home Luke and Frosty. But I won't be surprised if I'm less accurate than last week.

The next great menace: kimchee

2008-02-26T09:33:00.002-06:00

Boingboing brings us an article on the great efforts by Korean scientists to make space-friendly kimchee. I just wanted to point out one little quote:

"Ordinary kimchi is teeming with microbes, like lactic acid bacteria, which help fermentation. On Earth they are harmless, but scientists fear they could turn dangerous in space if cosmic rays cause them to mutate."

I've totally seen that movie on TBS at 2:30 AM! But what kind of "scientists" are actually worried about mutated kimchee microbes? Perhaps even less science-y than the kind who play Nickelback at candles (who, in their defense, are at least Canadian). Good to know Korea's turning out about as good scientists as we are here. Or maybe they just watch more bad monster movies over there.

AI top 24 ladies: liveblogging!

2008-02-20T19:54:00.007-06:00

We are liveblogging tonight! Well, not exactly live because we're starting about 45 minutes behind so we can zip past the commercials. But still. I watch; I type. That's it. I won't even go back to add funny comments.

I look forward to seeing which one of these ladies is a total hidden hottie that just needed a little attention from the show's excellent stylists. The horse trainer girl is my bet for McPhee-transformation.

So first we have Kristy Lee, said horse girl. (I don't know if Lee is a middle name or part of her first name, but it's so backcountry I went with it.) Horse girls are a little creepy. They're always just a little too unhealthily into horses, right? Anyway, this is a really boring song, and a really boring performance. I'm guessing she's one of the flu-zies (get it? ha!) ... yep, and there are the excuses. You know what? I've performed my ass off while running offstage to puke before songs. Suck it up and rock out. I'm not impressed.

Joanne the plus-size model (you could be a plus -- size -- model) is next. Her intro is sort of about how her voice is kind of white. So's her name. Joanne Borgella from Hoboken? Not what you pictured, is it? Anyway, this performance is pretty much bad. Pitch problems. Uncertain delivery. Just shaky all around. And nobody said anything about the flu, so I guess that's it.

Thankfully, Alaina brings the first really good performance of the night. She really doesn't look or sing like she's 16 (take notes, David A!). I really don't know what else to say because we've barely seen her before ... we're going to get a couple more weeks at least.

You would think I'd love someone who is referred to as the "rocker nurse". And Amanda is actually better tonight than I expected -- there are some Robert Plant-esque moments in there (yes, I went there). I keep expecting to get sick of her, but it hasn't really happened yet. And, dude, Randy? Trousers? Nobody under the age of 80 wears trousers.

Amy starts off really bad. Like painfully off pitch and slidey. Does anyone know how she ended up looking a little Asian? Just a weird quirk of genetics? Yeah, you know what? She sucks. I'm hoping she has the flu, but even with the flu -- yuck. And by the way that slow version of Bobby McGee they played before was just boring.

This has been really weak so far. I thought that at this point last night, but all the guys were competent. A few of the girls are not. At least two performances seemed way longer than the normal allotted time that normally flies by.

Now we get one of the contestants they've been force feeding us, Brooke the innocent nanny (seriously, is this a porn or what?). I'm inclined to dislike her because the whole I'm pure you're not thing grates on me. As does being all giggly and weepy and having zero self-confidence or probably self-esteem. But you know what, this isn't bad. She's going to be fine for a while, I think. Don't forget that there is a strong southern evangelical Christian voting effect on Idol. She's an evangelical's wet dream. And no, I don't mean that as a metaphor. But I loved when she told Simon it was "not just happiness" -- she so meant it was Jesus.

I absolutely love the phrase "washing up liquid". Only the British would have an overly literal three word term for soap. Honey, can you put some more washing up liquid onto this plate scrubbing rough object? Cheers!

Alexandrea keeps the porniness going with her last name (Lushington). I really don't think we've seen her before. She gets major respect for picking the first great song of the week! Seriously, kids, the 60s were cool! And she looks a billion times better than before (even if she looks like she's performing in Godspell). OK, she just did a whole yeah-yeah-yeah thing that completely sold me on her. It was good before that, but ... wow. Some of the high stuff was just a little shaky, and it wasn't incredible all the way through, but she brought some funk. Funk! My favorite so far, with Alaina a sort of close second. And for a very rare once, I totally disagree with Simon.

Ryan and Simon continue their traditional masculine flirting. Dudes, just get into a pretend fight and wrestle for a while, would you? It's like watching two frat dudes interact. Well, not really.

Kady's Britney impression is a little disturbing, but not so much as Colton looking like Ellen DeGeneres or David A singing "What a Feeling" spontaneously. And she's starting on the stool. I love that. It says, I'm sincere, and any second I'm going to really get into this and stand up. And there it is! This is the musical equivalent of whipping off your glasses before delivering a dramatic line. Some of her runs in here are actually pretty badly off pitch, and the whole thing is fairly pageanty. What was groovy about this kind of love? Not a whole lot, really. She sang fine, but there wasn't a whole lot of connection with the song ... almost like she didn't understand the words. A little too color-by-numbers. A large meh from me.

OK, so my liveblogging got interrupted here by a hungry baby, and the rest of the show was listened to in front of a high chair tray rather than a laptop. But no worries, because they pretty much saved the best 4 contestants for last.

Asia'h is one of the women I've liked from the first time we heard her. Cool smoky voice, the right blend of attitude and glamor, and solid vocal control. I loved that she did an Alicia Keys style version of a Janis Joplin tune -- I just hope she didn't piss off the rock and roll nurse! But what's cool about it is how well she updated it. She plays to the camera and looks great on stage too. A contender for sure.

We haven't heard much of Ramiele, but what we have has been good. Nice big voice, cool tone, but not a lot to go on so far. Well, she blew this song out of the water. What I liked the best was the restraint throughout most of the song -- she started very understatedly, singing mostly unadorned lines. Where most of the contestants sing a few lines just to get to the good parts, she makes every line worth listening to. And her reward for starting simply and softly is the big dramatic crescendo ... she already knows what contestants like LaKisha never learned: that you need to start low to give yourself room to build. If you yell the whole way through it sounds like yelling, but if you build up to it, it sounds awesome. This girl gets it. My only regret is that they took her out of her normal funky wardrobe and, as L put it, dressed her like she was going out to study (except for the funky funky shoes).

I thoroughly enjoyed the Simon-Seacrest banter here, which basically consisted of, "Ryan, you love shoes, you're so gay!" "Simon, I totally love shoes, I'm so gay! I mean, what? So NOT gay. That's what I meant." Yay for more awkward Seacrest flirting with girls!

Proof that you should be able to sing through sickness: Syesha. Girl did it in Hollywood, and I think she's doing it again tonight. I love hearing a harder song with bluesy vocals instead of the same old diva torch songs everyone else picks (nobody left on a train to Georgia!), so Tobacco Road was a great choice of song that allowed her to show off the exact same stuff. I actually wasn't totally in love with this particular performance, but she's pretty impressive overall.

Finally, anchoring the performance, Carly. I read somewhere that her record company spent two million dollars producing and promoting her album, and it sold less than 400 copies. Four hundres! That's more than $5k spent for every album bought! Hell, I'm pretty sure I could sell more than 400 albums no matter what I put on them. So anyway, my take on her is not going to sound complimentary, but it really is: she reminds me, vocally, of Celine Dion. Celine can really sing, she just has horrible taste in music, an awfully irritating personality, and a cheesetastic presence. Carly seems to have a far cooler personality and a more genuine delivery. I agreed with Simon that it was a little cabaret, but I think this is Simon deciding to criticize one of the top contestants for her own good. He's often harder on the ones he thinks are worth working on, and I'm pretty sure that's what this was about. It was very good, but she could do better.

So ... what's up with that first whole batch of women? Not so impressive. There are more women I'm interested in hearing more of than men. I'll be curious to see how they stack up as we move forward. For now, my ratings:

Ramiele: 100
Syesha: 90
Asia'h: 90
Alexandrea: 80 (I wouldn't be surprised if she falls next week)
Carly: 80 (she's not likely to stay this low)
Brooke: 45 (I moved her up -- better on second viewing)
Alaina: 40
Amanda: 35 (I'm a little over her already)
Kady: 20
Kristy: 5
Joanne: 0
Amy: 0

Look how tight that top 5 is! I'm a little worried that Alexandrea is a flash in the pan, but she could also improve a ton with the Idol vocal coaches. More to the point, if it were up to me, Joanne and Amy would go home. They were both, to me, far below the standard of the other women. Kristy wasn't much better, but I want to give her a pass. I think that those three are by far the most likely to actually go, with Amanda in some danger, and possibly Kady. I think that there are compelling reasons for the other 7 to stay. Of course, it's the first week, and I'm usually wrong, but since I don't think this is as wide open at the bottom as the men, I'm going to stick with my preferences as my prediction for what America is going to do.

AI top 12 dudes: it's on

2008-02-20T09:55:00.004-06:00

All right, kids -- it's that time of year again where, for a few months, my readership triples from 2 to roughly 6, I get more than a couple hits per day, and I get as many as 5 comments per post as opposed to the usual zero. That's right, it's American Idol time, and time for my absurdly long but startlingly insightful and well-organized analysis of each performance! I just can't pass up the opportunity to critique a bunch of amateur singers who are living the American dream of possibly making it big despite not being good enough to do so outside of a manufactured competition. I spend hours watching, critiquing, thinking up witty metaphors, and finally writing ... and I've never actually purchased any contestant's music. Not even (Chris "what happened to my first name") Daughtry, who I knew had terrible taste in music although I liked him on the show. Anyway.

We kept hearing that this was the best top 24 ever, which, of course, they say every season (just like every ER is a SPECIAL EVENT NOT TO BE MISSED!!!1!1). However, this year, every single one of the top 12 dudes can legitimately sing, and they all clearly have a good bit of training (even the ones that claim not to). They're far better singers than in previous years, but to me they lack the excitement of a raw talent that just might develop before our eyes. Instead, we get a lot of perfectly adequate, but kind of unexciting, singers. This is the first year that I feel like I couldn't really hang with the finalists, singing-wise, but I think they've brought the floor up (each season before this has featured a few sucktastic singers in the finals) rather than the ceiling. I think they were teasing us by keeping that terrible car-living-in emo kid around so long. That guy was actually a really bad singer. That weird politician wannabe, too. But nevermind, they're gone already.

I have to comment on the first use of a "theme week" for week 1. During the first week, it's absolutely critical for contestants to immediately establish what kind of singer they are, stake out their style, and announce their presence. It's infinitely harder to do so within a theme. On top of that, the contestants made some ridiculously bad song choices. I mean, the 60s weren't that bad. For the alleged rocker guys (more on that BS later), you have a whole mess of Beatles songs, or the Stones, or the Who. Motown is always a crowd-pleaser. Instead we got a lot of stuff that sounded like they let their grandmothers pick for them. Way to establish yourselves as relevant, guys. This is basic Idol 101 stuff, here.

As in prior seasons, I'll comment on each performer, with as much snark as I can summon (and you can stomach), then I'll sum up my impression of where they all stand, and how I think they'll do. Those two things don't often match up, because I am not a 14 year old girl, and most of the voters are.

Onward!

David (H) does what I think is going to be a running theme this year -- start a song all free-form and gospel, and then kick into the song's normal groove halfway through. He's done it before, and I think it's because he knows he's kind of boring when singing a song normally. However, I can take only so much gospel-style vocal wanking before I want someone to shut up and sing. I do not like his voice or his delivery. I suspect a lot of people are going to like him more than I do, though.

Chikezie makes a different sort of error by singing a song that starts off too low for him, and wearing a suit make out of orange sherbet. It started off poorly and all I could think about was delicious fake sort-of-citrus creamy goodness. Sure, I heard him crooning a bit better later on, but at that point I already didn't care. First impressions, dude. I did like how Simon accidentally called him Jacuzzi. It sounded like that was his private nickname for him, but he accidentally said it live on air. Good times. Chikezie also said something incoherent defending his performance, which I don't think helped. You can't just talk back. You have to have a point, or be funny for that to work. I am sad, because I really wanted to like this guy, and I just couldn't.

When David (C) started to sing, I instantly said "he's going home". Then I threw up in my mouth a little. If you closed your eyes, you would have heard "Happy Together" done exactly like the original but sung by a mediocre creepy guy. If you looked but covered your ears, you would have seen a guy who thought he could look ... smoldering? emo? goth? ... I'm not sure, by tilting his head down and looking up at the camera through his mascara and guyliner. I have no idea why Randy thought this was in any way "rock". I mean, I guess he did his own thing, but now we know exactly how he's going to sound on everything. Establishing your sound can backfire if you, you know, kind of suck.

Some guy named Jason (Y) who we've never seen is next. Seacrest announces that he's going to sing "Moon River", which as we all know is one of the most popular ringtones among 14 year old girls. Then he starts by sitting on a stool, wearing a Bing Crosby sweater, with his random swath of look-I'm-so-not-boring hair. The good news is that he has a fantastic voice, and is a wonderful singer. The bad news is that 60-year-old women can only send one or two texts before their arthritis acts up.

Robbie rocks the bandanna. And by "rocks", I mean, "almost certainly covers up a receding hairline with". Nobody who wears a bandanna all the time has ever amounted to anything good. Trust me on this. He owns up to being in a "boy/girl band" (doesn't that make it ... a band?) that opened for Britney, but says he's a rocker at heart. Then he sings "One Is the Loneliest Number" and there is nothing rock about it except for the bandanna. That song could easily be rocked out on. Randy once again salutes the rock where there is none to be found, but Simon correctly points out the lack of rock. Robbie protests in completely un-rock-like fashion. He's a good pop singer, and he should stick with that, but there is nothing rock about his voice.

David (A), David, David. I have one major piece of advice for you: stop acting so weirdly humble. We all know you won Star Search, and you've been singing for a long time. Are you really surprised when people say you're good? That's great. It's adorable, even. But people are going to get sick of it. Man up a little, and stay humble, but project some confidence. Act like a star. Even if the bumbling humility is real, it's going to look fake, because everyone knows you can sing. You have an incredible natural voice, impeccable training, and a strong natural fan base. If you don't cruise into at least the top 5, it's because you didn't heed my advice. Or you got hit by a falling piano. One of the two.

Danny makes a slightly more subtle mistake than most of the other dudes: assuming people saw the earlier audition episodes. His entire charm is that he seems to honestly believe he is an older black woman (or perhaps drag queen), and he can sing the part. This "Jailhouse Rock" rendition should have been saved for week 3 or 4, after he's established his diva-ness, to demonstrate his versatility. Now, people who just tuned in are going to think ... OK, what's the big deal? It was like karaoke taken very seriously. Make your mark first, and then deviate from there. I hope he gets another chance because he's interesting.

Luke Perry is up next. Or some other kid named Luke. Whatever. In the "no, really, this guy totally exists" segment we hear about half a second of his first audition, which would have been enough for me to hose him right then and there. Then he sings, and it's wussy and forgettable ... and actually bad in a couple places. Simon repeats what I just said for like the fourth time of the night and I wonder if a) he has a bug placed in my living room (that tunnels through time, because I tend not to watch it live), b) I actually know what I'm talking about when it comes to evaluating singers, or c) I'm actually grumpy and British.

I have some weird vibe that tells me I'm not going to like Colton. And I don't. I'm not sure why, except maybe that he's a little theatrical, or just plain cheesy when he works the camera. Anybody who claims that the theme song from the Teletubbies calms them down has got to be more than a little off kilter, right? And not in a good way? He actually sings well, but it's a bit generic and I just don't like him. I would be happy if someone else can tell me why this is. Oh, and also: men should not wear skinny jeans. Ever. Especially with suspenders or whatever was going on there.

I have no idea what to do with Garrett. I remain completely baffled by him. I am predisposed to like him, because he looks like a total 70s rock god throwback, complete with wispy 'stache and a heroin problem. But he talks like he lives in some weird compound in Idaho where they don't speak English when nobody else is around, and he sings like ... I have no idea what he sings like. I spent the whole time looking at my TV, head cranked to one side like my dog does when she hears something that confuses her. She, on the other hand, was half asleep and licking her butt, but that's no reflection on Garrett, that's her normal state. I don't think he was good, but I'm so confused by him that I think I want him to get another week just so I can find out what his deal is. I would have preferred him to sound like Robert Plant or at least Peter Frampton, though. Hey, if they do Jesus Christ Superstar next week, he should be set? Right? No?

I think that Jason (C) found the one time when it's almost acceptable for a white dude to wear dreads: when you're in the Idol finals and we've never seen you before. He completely creeps me out when he's singing. He contorts his face like John Mayer trying to pass a kidney stone, while smiling like a lunatic and making sweet drunken love to the camera with his eyes. All the while singing "What a Day for a Daydream". The vocals were actually pretty good, a little quirky, a little understated, but for me, the guitar playing made it seem like a weird coffee shop performance. All that said, he's surprisingly high on my list, because he's different. I may end up liking him a lot, or I may end up in small pieces in his freezer. Time will tell.

Finally, Michael. In his favor, I have always had a soft spot for Aussies. I'm also very picky about Bohemian Rhapsody. Remember when Constantine sang it a few seasons ago and everyone said it was so amazing? I thought he sucked, and not just a little. Anyway, I thought Michael rocked it, even if I felt a small twinge of diva-like satisfaction when he couldn't hit a couple of the high notes. I admit it. Anyway, he does "Light My Fire" here, and the Doors are deceptively difficult to sing well. And he's pretty awesome. He's very polished, rather stylish (I wish we could all get over wearing jackets and scarves indoors, but fine), and he'd make a great frontman for a rock band. I'd go see him, and I'd assume the music would be kind of cool. I think L might be a little into him, but I can live with that. He's easily my favorite, but he's also the closest to my age and style of music, and Australian. It's almost too easy.

I know you can never really tell after week 1, but it really seems to me that we have two top-notch contenders in Michael and David A, and one dark horse in Jason C. After that we kind of have a whole lotta meh. I won't be too surprised to see any of the remaining 9 go home, though of course I'm going to take a hubristic stab at predicting the bootees anyway.

My ratings: (out of 100, with the top contender at 100)
Michael: 100
David A: 95
Jason C: 65
Jason Y: 50
Robbie: 45
Danny: 40
David H: 30
Colton: 20
Chikezie: 10
Garrett: 5
David C: 0
Luke: 0

As you probably can tell, if it were up to me, David C and Luke would go home. However, it's up to America, not me, and I think America is most likely to send home Luke and Garrett, with all of my bottom 5 in serious danger of going, and Danny and even Jason Y not particularly safe. The only three I really feel are safe are my top 3.

Presidential skee-ball tokens

2008-02-08T10:55:00.000-06:00

Has anyone else gotten these new(-ish) presidential $1 coins? I got a bunch as change from a stamp vending machine yesterday. They look and feel totally fake to me. They're basically skee-ball tokens to me. I thought I was all for dollar coins in principle (and eliminate the penny!) but for some reason I really didn't like these.

The only time I'll ever use the words "Nickelback" and "topless chamber" in the same paragraph

2008-01-28T12:27:00.000-06:00

So some dudes decided to test the strange observation that sound waves can put out fire (and by dudes, I mean scientists). So they put a bunch of speakers around a candle (in a "topless chamber" ... I couldn't leave that one alone), and played Nickelback at it, and it went out. They don't really know why.

To me, it's obvious -- Nickelback saps the will to live, even in inanimate objects.

On loyalty, and coffee

2008-01-24T09:36:00.000-06:00

At my favorite Dunkin' Donuts, they know what I order every day. Maybe it helps that it's a tiny bit unusual (large coffee, skim milk, 5 splenda). Whatever the reason, they remember -- and they still confirm it rather than assuming, in case I change my mind. They also know that I like to pay for my $1.97 coffee with two dollars and two pennies, so I can get a nickel back (clearly in homage to that great rock band of the present era, eh?). And they at least say good morning, and are pleasant, which is more than can be said for employees at a lot of DD locations.

And for all that, on days when L drives me to work, I go two blocks out of my way to go to my regular branch. On days like today (the morning weather said the wind chill was worse than 20 below zero), that tells you something.

Yet another inequitable election system

2008-01-08T09:32:00.000-06:00

Let's say that I'm setting up a new system for running nationwide elections, and I tell you that if you're within a quasi-arbitrary geographical boundary within which the majority of people tend to vote a certain way, your vote essentially doesn't count. Even worse, no matter how you vote, your vote will be automagically switched to the majority preference. Even if you don't vote, yours will essentially count that way.

Then let's say that I explained that residents of other quasi-arbitrary geographical regions would have their votes count for 5 or 6 times what yours count for. Sure, theirs are also automagically switched to the majority preference in their semiautonomous region, but they still carry several more times the value per vote of your area.

You'd be pretty pissed, right? You might even wonder what the point of voting is, if people's votes are unequally valued, and so many people's votes will essentially be counted for a specific candidate regardless of their actual vote cast (or whether or not they vote at all).

Next, let's say that while you theoretically get to help pick which candidate runs in your party, by the time you vote, it is almost certain that other voters in regions that are in no way representative of the country have already determined who the nominee will be, and that they get to do this based on some combination of tradition and dubious laws they passed that say they get to vote before you, even though they have no jurisdiction over you. I think you'd think those regions were being unreasonable (after all, if your neighbor decided that he had to have a nicer lawn than you, wouldn't you be pissed if he pressured you to make your lawn suckier so that could happen?), and you'd once again wonder what the hell the point of voting is unless you live in one of those non-representative bully regions.

Doesn't this sound like a completely broken system? And yet this is exactly how our election system works. No wonder so many people don't vote. No wonder people are apathetic about the political process in this country. When people say they don't think their vote matters, well, a lot of them are actually correct.

It's not like this is a particularly difficult problem to solve. Go straight national tally, no electoral college, everyone holds primaries at the same time, also tallied by popular national vote. I don't think you can argue that it wouldn't be fair. The only people who have any reason to complain would be those whose votes were so much more important than most peoples' in the past.

The system as it stands is completely broken, and it would be very easy to fix. Why isn't anyone working on this? Why doesn't anyone care?

Three things I like about Mike Huckabee

2008-01-03T09:19:00.000-06:00

1) He plays bass. Reasonably well, even. To stereotype my fellow bottom-dwellers, we're used to being the unsung heroes, the necessary but invisible pillars of music. Most people don't notice good bass playing, but if it's bad (or absent) people will notice the music sucks all of a sudden. I think this is an excellent personality trait indicator for a president. Not a glory hound, but quietly effective.

2) He seems like a nice enough guy. I wouldn't mind sharing a drink with him.

3) Tax reform. It'll never happen, but I applaud the initiative. I don't know much about his proposal, but it sounds like it's a theoretically progressive consumption tax rather than income tax. It'll put the whole IRS and a lot of accountants out of business, but it has the potential to be far more equitable than the current system (I don't know whether or not it actually achieves this).

Unfortunately, I think I disagree with nearly every other major position of his that I know of.

I am realizing as I get older that my economic views are usually closer aligned to Republican lines than Democrat. I don't think my views are changing; rather, I think I'm becoming more open to actually paying attention to what the "other side" is actually saying. That said, social issues are still significantly more important to me.

One downside of becoming an Independent is that I have to do a lot more research when I'm open to candidates from any party, even if I still usually end up voting Dem anyway. Should Hilary get the nod and be up against Guiliani or McCain ... let's just say I'll have a lot more work ahead of me than with other matchups.

Byrne on Music

2007-12-19T11:31:00.000-06:00

Some very cool stuff in Wired last night from David Byrne on the current state and future of the music industry -- along with what it means to musicians, and some intelligent thoughts about the nature of music and the music business. Main article here, plus an interesting interview with Thom Yorke that expands on a couple of the ideas. David Byrne is one smart dude.

Crawling, BBD style

2007-12-18T09:18:00.000-06:00

The little guy is really about to crawl. He's been close for weeks, but before he could maybe get up on his hands and knees and maybe, if he was lucky, scoot backwards. Every once in a while he'd faceplant forwards, which is I guess at least the right direction. However, now, I can tell he's right about to get it because he gets up on hands and knees, flops forward a little, and then humps the floor like he's in Bell Biv Devoe.

To show your support for him, check out this sweet video for a remix of Poison. My favorite part is the superimposed dance break right around 2 minutes.

Studying some of the greats

2007-12-12T09:26:00.001-06:00

I haven't discovered any new good music in a while (if you have leads, please send my way!), so I'm turning to the past to discover some new music. In addition, since I'm, like, a for real bass player now, I'm also using this opportunity to study some of the great rock bassists.

I kicked off this round by listening to the first four Zeppelin albums in order: John Paul Jones is my personal Jesus. Then I picked out a couple other bassists to study; some I know well already, others not so much. My study list: Geezer Butler (Black Sabbath), John Entwistle (The Who), Tim Bogert (Vanilla Fudge/Cactus), and Lemmy (Motorhead).

John Entwistle and I have a lot of eerie things in common. He earned the nickname The Ox for his thunderous playing and his, um, stage presence; I picked up that nickname in college for entirely unrelated reasons. He started his musical career on French Horn; me too. I know a lot of The Who's music, but I didn't own any, and I'd never consciously studied Entwistle's style. Now I'm working my way through their boxed set (thanks, Justin!), and it seems like my own personal style is closer to Entwistle's than any of the other bassists I've studied. He's a lot more aggressive than I am, but we have similar harmonic and rhythmic tendencies, especially in the use of fifths and octaves as rhythmic accents and a heavily pentatonic, percussive approach. Of course, I'm nowhere near his technical ability, and there's a lot of stuff he does that blows my mind, but it all makes sense to me.

Geezer Butler is an interesting case. Not a lot of people realize how great a bass player he is. Sure, Sabbath featured a lot of slow, sludgy riffs, and in most metal bands, the bass just doubles the guitar line. Not Geezer, most of the time. He provides a lot of really cool countermelodies underneath the riff, supporting it when needed, playing off of it when it works, and his lines are a lot harder than you'd think. (If you don't believe me, go play through the bass line to War Pigs on Guitar Hero 2, or download it for Rock Band -- it's complex and super cool without being outwardly flashy.) I think part of what makes his tone cool is also what makes people not notice him -- his bass tone is ... understated isn't the right word. Subtle doesn't capture it correctly. It sounds like his bass and amp are underwater. And pissed off about it. Not under clear, pretty water, but churned-up, silty, frothy water, with maybe is that a tinge of blood on the foam? It growls and screams under there and when you lean in to hear it properly, it reaches up to tear your head off and drag the rest of you underwater to drown. That's right, it kills you twice. Then it takes your stuff to lure other people in. So when the next guy's like, oh, look, someone left an iPod on the beach -- growl, chomp, he's done for too. That's Geezer's bass tone. Don't listen closely to it if you value your sanity.

I was sadly not well acquainted with Motorhead until recently (I don't know how to put the metal umlaut over the o, so please imagine it's there -- they invented it!). They're supposedly one of the innovators of metal. I don't hear it. It sounds far more like punk to me. Lemmy's bass playing (Rickenbacker!) really sounds a lot like a growlier, deeper guitar, which isn't something a lot of bass players do. I mean, it's a lot easier to play fast lines with a pick on a teensy little wimpy guitar string than an industrial cable sized bass string. I think his style is not for me, but I respect the unorthodox way he uses his instrument. To get back to the band's sound ... the vocals are growly and wonderfully imprecise, the songs are short, simply structured, just a little sloppy, and enthusiastic, there's tons of fuzz and attitude -- sounds like punk to me. Actually, it sounds even more like old-school 50s rockers who were suddenly transplanted into the punk movement; those guys used a lot more fuzz than you'd think. At any rate, they're a lot more Chuck Berry than they are Buckcherry. Which is a good thing.

Tim Bogert is an interesting case, just because he and his bands aren't as well known as they probably once were. Vanilla Fudge was huge back in the day (so I hear, anyway) -- their cover of the Supreme's You Keep Me Hangin' On is really one of the coolest covers ever. Seriously, go listen to it if you've never heard it. It's transcendant. Anyway, Bogert and his drummer, Carmine Appice, were considered by many (including Jeff Beck) to be the best rhythm section of their era. They were (and are, for that matter) super tight, both capable of laying down the groove as well as stepping out for fills and solos. Sometimes both at once. Plus they both did some of the killer backing vocals that were a huge part of Vanilla Fudge's sound. After the Fudge, the two of them went on to start Cactus. Nobody remembers Cactus anymore, but they were supposed to be the American answer to Led Zeppelin. And based on my listening, they sort of were, at least in the blues rock sense, though they didn't really get into the ridiculous (-ly awesome) epic theatrics of the Zep. Bogert's style is a lot harder for me to nail down, probably because I don't know the music as well, but he's good as hell. I did read some critic who claimed that he invented triplets in rock basslines, which is just a stupid claim. You may as well claim that some band wrote the first-ever rock song in F minor. It's probably not true, and it's kind of irrelevant anyway. However, it is true that a lot of Bogert's lines would sound busy out of context -- but in context they lock in so well with Appice and fit the songs beautifully. In some ways, Bogert is the most likely of these bassists to fill a "traditional" bass role (save maybe Geezer), but he also steps out of the pocket so frequently that it's almost like he's two separate bass players: a pocket groove specialist, and a blazing lead bass player.

I'm trying to figure out what embodies each bassists' style so I can try to play some songs somewhat like they might have played them. It's a challenge, and it would be way easier if I ever, you know, had time to play.

Next challenge, Adam Clayton from U2. OK, done, I mastered his style. (I kid -- it may be uber-simple, but it fits their music perfectly.)

Whatever happened to the light brown M&Ms?

2007-11-27T10:10:00.000-06:00

Back in the day, I remember five colors of M&Ms: yellow, orange, green, light brown, and dark brown. We didn't even have a red M&M because everyone was scared of red food dye! I did a little bit of googling to find out what happened to the iconic color lineup of my youth.

After they brought back red (1985), they had a stupid contest to pick a new color, and of course blue won (1995) -- but they didn't say they were going to get rid of light brown and replace it with the winner. Nobody let me vote to keep it. I mean, light brown and dark brown are good colors for chocolate. Red generally means "don't eat me, I'm poisonous", and blue ... how many naturally occurring blue things do you want to eat? Blueberries and ... parrots? But brown, brown means delicious chocolatey goodness.

Those days of the light brown M&Ms were better days, simpler, easier times, when a man could be a man and a chocolate could look like a chocolate. Especially before red came back (in the midst of the Cold War, no less -- communist plot, I say!).

Of course, there may be a more sinister reason for the missing light brown M&M. Check out the M&M's own "characters" webpage:

http://us.mms.com/us/about/characters/

All of the current colors have a character based on them except for dark brown. I will leave it up to you to decide what that means.

In which I ironically embrace the trend of ironically embracing awesome things

2007-10-26T14:50:00.000-05:00

The 10 Most Terrifyingly Inspirational '80s Songs

A quality list with some excellent prose. I wouldn't have picked a couple of the songs in there, and I don't see how The Final Countdown isn't #1 on every list of music ever made, but it's hard to quibble with the top couple choices as they are justified therein.

I love how in the comments people are arguing whether or not the list is serious. It has become a mark of hipsterism to ironically embrace things that are traditionally outre. But here's the thing: most of what hipsters embrace maybe be somewhat out of style currently, but most of it is actually awesome. I drink PBR and Schlitz because they are cheap and no less delicious than other more expensive mass market crappy beers. I listen to Journey and Styx and Europe because although their songs are cheesetastic they are also super awesome. I do not like them ironically. I like them unironically because I do not take myself so seriously that I can't like something that is completely and unabashedly over the top.

In fact, I like so many stereotypically hipster things that I have embraced hipster culture -- only in an ironic and condescending way. Oh, snap, I think I just meta-hipstered the hipsters!

White music and gay wizards

2007-10-22T10:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know how anyone can consider any other topics given this weekend's revelation from JK Rowling that Dumbledore is gay, but I wanted to respond to Rob's comment on my last post. For some reason I haven't been able to use the comments form in Blogger for months -- it keeps reloading profile pictures and bumping me to the top of the form every 3 seconds or so, rendering it unusable.

Rob (as usual) has some good points, and aims at some weaknesses in my hastily thrown together post. I did mix several possible definitions of whiteness, and Take Me To The River probably doesn't meet Frere-Jones' version, although it does meet other criteria (I think it's a great song for the record). Partially this is due to confusion on my part about what Frere-Jones is actually calling "white" music, which I think is not clear in his article. I'll agree that empty space and syncopation are traditional aspects of "black" music (I'm sorry, I can't resist ironic quotes), but they're not the only criteria. They are neither necessary nor sufficient, logically speaking.

I'll also grant that PB&J are pretty darn white by most standards, but by Frere-Jones' stated criteria, I don't think they are. They owe a lot to Brian Wilson (and how he got to be an examplar of white music, I'm not sure), but they also owe a lot to Motown, and all practitioners of fuzzed-out guitars. The Killers are an easier case for non-whiteness, I think, with heavily syncopated vocals and synth/bass lines -- they're essentially five white Mormon dudes playing disco while pretending to be emo. While they themselves might be pretty gosh-darn white, I don't believe the music qualifies. And how can we ignore Maroon 5, that juggernaut of skinny jewish dudes singing black music? It's not like they're some obscure band.

I think I have two main objections to Frere-Jones' article: first, that there's no good reason to try to define "black" and "white" music, because no good can come of it (with the resulting connotations), and second, that the task is actually impossible. Even if you grant that they are two categories, they are fuzzy and indistinct, and I do believe it's darn near impossible to find an example that is 100% on one end of the continuum. What drives music forward is the constant reintegration of influences, conscious or unconscious, rolling an enormous katamari of everything that's out there. Different artists pluck different objects out of that universal katamari, but when you grab a Led Zeppelin or a Muddy Waters you're also getting all of their influences, black and white.

This is not to say you can't point to one artist and say their music is "blacker" than someone else's (why does that sound more pejorative than "whiter" -- actually they both sound bad). I don't think you can find an artist that doesn't have at least a little of both influences.

And back to Dumbledore. It's great that one of the most widely-read authors of our time wrote a gay character. But before we applaud her for this choice, can't we ask why she had to tell us this after the fact (by saying she "always thought [he] was gay")? Wouldn't it have done more good if it were explicitly mentioned in the text? I'm all for gay wizards. I think it would have made him more interesting and realistic (yes, I know, it's a story about wizards) if its implications were actually explored in the novels, rather than discussed after the fact by the writer.

Frere-Jones on the Arcade Fire and whiteness

2007-10-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

Sasha Frere-Jones has an interesting article in the New Yorker about why current indie music is boring. The main thesis seems to be that current musicians are not mixing styles and genres like musicians used to do, and especially white musicians are no longer working in black musical influences. (Some time is spent on rap -- as an exemplar of black music -- no longer having white music influences, but it seems like he's arguing for this leading to its increased popularity.) He raises some very interesting points, but his arguments are generally jumbled and only incompletely thought out. He did get me thinking, however, on the topic of why certain highly-regarded indie bands don't reach me (which I've blogged about recently).

First, it seems as if all of his examples are drawn from bands that support his "whiteness" theory of indie rock (and let's just acknowledge with a passing nod that the term indie doesn't mean anything anymore, as he does). Maybe he'd argue about the definition of the term, but I can think of dozens of indie rock bands that completely defy his statements -- The Rapture, CSS, !!!, as examples of indie dance rock, bands like The Black Angels, Wolfmother, and all the others working in the throwback rock idiom, and even indie-pop staples like The Killers, Peter, Bjorn and John, and The Bravery. Maybe he's defining "indie rock" as only those bands which have little to no "black" influence (I'm going to stop using ironic quotes, but they're still there in my head). But that seems like cheating. So if he's referring only to a subset of indie music -- call it Pitchfork indie, and you might have a good label for it -- then that would seem to dispute the universality of his statements.

Even so, arguing that this is a new phenomenon, that white bands are using completely white rhythms and basslines for the first time, is another spurious claim -- because we've heard these beats before. I lived through the 80s, and so did Sasha Frere-Jones. A lot of the angular beats we're hearing now came straight from the 80s, and I'm not just referring to Dexy's Midnight Runners. I believe you could make an argument that the current crop of Pitchfork darlings draw more inspiration from REM, U2, and Talking Heads (all fine bands), who de-emphasized a lot of the Motown and blues sounds that came before them, or at least turned them on their heads. Take Me To The River is undeniably Motown, but also undeniably "white" (in the way that Frere-Jones seems to be using it).

He also seems to be lumping in 90s grunge with current indie, as an example of moving towards whiteness, as if garbled vocals have never appeared in black music (old timey blues? Louis Armstrong?) and the return of simple melodies and distortion were novel and white. I could go on about why that's wrong, but it seems obvious.

The main argument, that current indie does not reach him because it has no syncopation, no shuffle, no soul (oh, let's not get into that one, please), is one that I agree with. But I don't agree that it's because the Arcade Fire are white. I think it's because they never look like they're having fun. All the music that I like is made by musicians who are having fun. Sometimes they don't take themselves 100% seriously (always an excellent attribute), sometimes they're full of bravado or swagger, but the music always communicates some kind of fun or escape or something. I've come to realize that I don't enjoy watching some lady with a far-off stare grind a hurdy-gurdy while some dude who looks like an axe murderer yells into a mic and flogs a guitar for an hour. That's why I don't like the Arcade Fire. Not because they're white.

I also like music that features some kind of groove in the drumming, and preferably a driving bass line (or at least an audible one). I'm open to a lot of kinds of grooves, and even though I don't dance, most of the music I like is danceable. If you extrapolate the logic from Frere-Jones' article, that means I like black music, and if I want to make black music, that fact should make me uncomfortable. This is so much bullshit. If Frere-Jones didn't feel comfortable singing or rapping or whatever in his band, that's his own hangup, not the music. Or maybe it's just not the right genre for his voice. I can't sing in the punk rock idiom, even though I'm white, and not all black singers can sing in whatever he's defining as a black genre. It has nothing to do with race or intimacy with a musical style. This is a very dangerous argument to flirt with. Would he argue that Kele Okereke should feel uncomfortable singing the lead vocals for Bloc Party?

As Frere-Jones rightfully points out, the lines between black and white music have become seriously blurred (this argument conflicts with his parallel argument, based on very selective examples, that the two types of music have become more separate of late), and perhaps were never actually demarcated in any meaningful way. Why, then, should we try to separate them now? To attempt to introduce false dichotomies, and especially to label one type bad and the other good, is a pointless and destructive act.

Weird things I've witnessed people doing in our work bathroom

2007-10-12T10:28:00.000-05:00

When you work in a large office and you share a restroom with a lot of other people, you see some weird stuff. I am not saying you should not do any of the following. I won't be, though.

1) Shaving. Obviously, I shave in a bathroom at home, over a sink much like the ones we have at work. There's just something not quite OK about shaving in a public bathroom, though, plus it implies you were too lazy/busy/late to shave at home. My technique: just own the stubble for a day or two between shaves.

2) Shaving in a stall. The weirder cousin of #1. Last week I actually heard someone using an electric razor while sitting on a toilet. That's pretty weird, and more than a little nasty, because where are all the little hairs going? Plus, the sound of an electric razor sounds like a lot of other things. I only knew for sure what it was because of #3.

3) Putting anything down on the floor in the stall. In this case, the guy who just finished shaving placed the electric razor on the ground while finishing the rest of his business. I don't know about you, but I prefer not to have public bathroom germs all over anything that comes into contact with cuts and scrapes on my face. I've seen this happen with cell phones, coffee mugs, and other objects, but the razor was the nastiest.

4) Brushing teeth. Maybe this one is a little controversial. I understand that a lot of people brush after eating or drinking anything. I'm sure they have healthier teeth and gums than me. But again we get into the cleanliness issue -- I don't want to scrub my teeth in any place that smells like our bathroom often does. Nor would I ever use a toothbrush that had rested on the sink in there. Ew. This one seems more common than the others, but still grosses me out a bit.

5) Talking on the phone. Seriously, man, hang up the cell phone before you sit on the toilet. First of all, I have to realize that you're not talking to me. Second of all, can't the person on the other end hear that you're in the bathroom? The acoustics are pretty distinctive, and the periodic loud flushes probably give you away. Nothing is that important. Really, just call them back later. And texting or surfing the web on your phone is pretty weird too.

6) Lotion. I witnessed this twice in two weeks a while back -- someone in a stall, with a big old bottle of hand lotion sitting on the floor (also see #3). I have no evidence, however indirect, of the purpose of said lotion, but you have to think about the connotations of its presence. In a bathroom. A public bathroom. Presumably, you're going to wash your hands afterwards anyway (please!), so is there a purpose to applying lotion (to your hands) while you're in there? This one was probably the weirdest, creepiest thing I've witnessed in the restroom.

7) Leaning against the urinal wall. I'm throwing this one in just so I don't have to end this post on #6, but it's kinda weird. There are a few guys who like to place one arm on the wall above the urinal and kind of lean into it. This is a close corollary of #3 (running theme -- public bathrooms are pretty gross!), but it also provides an interesting glimpse into the psychology of the wielder of this technique. Must you feel as if you are romancing the urinal, leaning in to whisper intimately into its imaginary ear? Are you establishing your dominance over the space, your urinary kingdom? Or are you merely very shy and must hide your urination as far as possible behind the porcelain shielding? No matter which way you slice it, ew. Please wash your entire arm.

Can you tell I've been drinking a lot of coffee lately?

In which my true origin is revealed

2007-10-11T10:40:00.000-05:00

I did that face-matching thing to see what celebrity I supposedly look like, after my cousin JJ got some pretty sweet matches. I tried two pictures, with very little success. I still think that if you catch me from the right angle after a few drinks, I can pull off Colin Farrell if he were having a bad day. But apparently, according to the matches I got, I am the product of a bizarre genetics experiment that fused the DNA of Ruben Studdard, Tom Cruise, and Anwar Sadat. But they say I also look like the current president of the Phillippines (who is a woman) and Vivian Leigh. There's some good world leader mojo in that mix, at least.

So not only can I pass for multiple nationalities and ethnicities, apparently I also look like a woman. Despite the facial hair. And despite Vivian Leigh being an old-school hottie.

(Somehow I don't think this is such a great advertisement for the quality of their matching software!)

Sleazeball or wuss?

2007-10-05T12:42:00.000-05:00

This has to be one of the funniest things I've seen in a while -- a Celtic fan runs onto the field to celebrate his team's last-gasp winning goal over AC Milan (that's not the funny part), and seems to pat the Milan keeper (Brazilian Dida, one of the most prominent keepers in the world) on the shoulder as he runs by. Really dumb of the fan, but what happened next makes me feel not at all bad for Dida.

Dida (who is enormous, for the record) first took a quick run at the fan ... which is sort of justifiable ... and then decided instead to hilariously fake an injury, collapsing to the ground as if shot (where's the sniper?) and clutching his face. He was carried off on a stretcher with an ice pack pressed to his face! This makes no sense at all given that he was clearly not injured in any way. It's possible he was trying to get the match called off (it was essentially over already), which would likely have resulted in a victory via forfeit for his team. Either way, it's a completely ridiculous thing for a professional athlete to do, and I'm not sure whether to ridicule him for trying a sleazy, underhanded tactic, or being a complete and total wuss. And what's even better is that Italian fans are almost entirely united in ridiculing him as well, despite him playing for an Italian team and the Italian reputation for, as it is euphemistically called, simulation.

So is he a sleazeball or a total wimp? Or both? You decide:

LinkedIn creeps me out big time!

2007-09-27T12:42:00.000-05:00

I just went into LinkedIn for the first time in a while. I seem to get a stray invitation every month or so, usually making fun of me for having so few connections, so I went in to add a handful of people. There's a box on the right of their main page titled "People you may know:" and I have to say, its contents were quite creepy.

Out of the four people listed, I knew all four rather well ... but what's bizarre is that I can't figure out how LinkedIn knew I would know three of them. Two of them were guys I sang with in college ... and not only had I not linked to anyone from Princeton yet, I hadn't entered Princeton anywhere in my profile yet. Even if the system somehow knew where I went to college (without me entering it), it still chose two Princetonians I know rather well, both from my graduating class, rather than two random classmates.

The fourth was even more bizarre: the director of an a cappella group I was in here in Chicago a few years ago. How could the LinkedIn software have figured out this connection without me having entered anything that could possibly have led to it?

Any theories? The best I can do is that the system does some kind of websearch for your name and looks for other names in its database that co-occur with yours ... maybe? Even that seems like a bit of a stretch for this sort of disturbing accuracy.

Learning from the greatest songs of all time

2007-09-11T09:40:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to a ton of music recently, mostly newer stuff, and thinking about music even more. I'm trying to be very analytical because I'm in the midst of writing some stuff that I think will be pretty interesting, with layers of bass and vocals, probably drums, but no other instruments -- although I don't want it to sound gimmicky. But I'll get into that project another time.

Anyway, a lot of times, the good newer stuff makes me jones for some of my old favorites. The White Stripes can evoke Zeppelin at times (more Tangerine and Gallows Pole than, say, Achilles' Last Stand or The Rain Song -- it's mostly in Jack White's vocals). Or sometimes a bass line or even just the tone of the bass will make me think of something else. The new stuff I'm digging doesn't really sound like older stuff, but I'm finding connections here and there. It's making me think about what makes a great song.

For me, it's absolutely critical that it have a great bass line with an interesting tone, and some kind of vocal line that makes me want to sing along. Two great examples of a current song like this are "Believe" by The Bravery and "McFearless" by Kings of Leon. Two very different songs, but they both work for me.

If you go back a bit to the 90s and one of the most underrated bands of all time, Jellyfish's "Joining a Fan Club" is also an excellent example of the sort of song that grabs me and won't let go. Actually, most Jellyfish songs are great examples of incredible songwriting, compelling vocals, and everything else. I'm not sure how these guys weren't bigger than they were. Seriously amazing stuff. It sounds just a touch dated now, but it's such a throwback to 60s and 70s power pop that it doesn't seem out of place.

Note that these three examples have completely different bass tones and styles: a Rickenbacker in The Bravery, a Thunderbird in Kings of Leon, and a Hofner violin bass in Jellyfish. Each bassist uses the unique strengths and weaknesses of each bass very well. For example, the Hofner bass has a nice wooly thump, but little sustain, so the bass line is a lot more melodic, needing more notes to fill the space (fairly McCartney-esque). The T-bird is kind of the opposite in that it doesn't take as much to fill out the low end, so the bass line itself is simpler, but fits the song perfectly. The Rick, as played here, is somewhere in the middle, and becomes more of a lead instrument while still holding down its traditional role.

It's such a cliche to try to name the best song of all time. I mean, there are a lot of very different songs that I find completely earth-shattering nearly every time I listen to them. My short list has to include such disparate works as:

The Planets, Gustav Holst (I'll go with Mars, the Bringer of War if forced to pick one movement)
New World Symphony, Antonin Dvorak (fourth movement, allegro con fuoco -- scroll down for mp3)
So What, Miles Davis (although I am partial to Birth of the Cool because how many jazz recordings have a French Horn?)
Giant Steps, John Coltrane (A Love Supreme is truly awesome, but this song blows my mind musically)
Use Me, Bill Withers
Across the Universe, the Beatles
25 or 6 to 4, Chicago
The Rain Song, Led Zeppelin (and a handful of other tunes!)
In the Court of the Crimson King, King Crimson
Ziggy Stardust, David Bowie
Alison, Elvis Costello
The Call of Ktulu, Metallica
(This list is kind of off the top of my head, but you get the idea!)

... which leaves out artists I love such as Brahms, Queen, Rush, Morphine, John Zorn/Naked City, Frank Zappa, and Herbie Hancock, and I'm not even a huge fan of Bowie, Costello, Metallica, or Withers -- those songs do it for me, though. And I'm not including anything recent, either, because it's hard to tell how new songs will hold up to this list.

But I think I can identify what is currently my favorite song of all time, and has been for a few years, although it's not the most well-known: "South Side of the Sky", by Yes. If you'd asked me 10 years ago, I would have said "Heart of the Sunrise" from the same album, but that seems just a touch too dramatic for me now (which is funny if you see the rest of my list).

The song has a great, chunky main riff, with Chris Squire and Steve Howe tearing things up while locking together, and Bill Bruford holding down the beat. It has Jon Anderson delivering eminently singable vocals that work as another instrument in the mix. And then it has a somewhat improbable middle section with some tastefully lush Rick Wakeman piano (supported by Squire's piano-like bass) and soaring layered vocal harmonies ... and it builds and builds for a long time ... and then Bruford brings back the riff, and the song chugs along to the end. It's long, but not overly repetitive because of the contrasting middle section, and has moments of both beauty and butt-kicking.

So what's the take-home message for songwriters? I guess it's to not be afraid to mix up your influences, or to drop a mellow piano part in the middle of a rock song. Draw from what you like, whatever it is. I believe that it's not that hard to come up with a good melody, and there are plenty of standard chord progressions that will work just fine, so innovate in how you deliver them. Lyrics are like poetry; a wide variety of things can work so long as you're honest. Treat the voice like an instrument, or the percussion like it's the lead, just make sure that it all comes together in a coherent, ear-pleasing whole. Just because it's technically or theoretically impressive doesn't mean it sounds good, and if it doesn't, most people won't want to listen to it. If you want to write a concerto for accordion, or make a rock band with a sitar and a flugelhorn, go right ahead, but don't rely on the novelty factor to carry the day. Make it work.

I guess this boils down to: if you want to create successfully, be creative. It sounds like a tautology, or at least an obvious statement but I don't think it is. Oh, and write a killer bass line.

Men want hot women, study confirms

2007-09-04T10:36:00.000-05:00

OK, someone over at cnn.com is writing awesome headlines. After last week's "T-Rex could outrun David Beckham", this week we have "Men want hot women, study confirms". It's like they're learning from the Onion how to write an eye-catching headline. I approve.

As for the study, it involved less than 50 participants and the methodology isn't real clear, but the results are a little more interesting than the headline implies. Turns out that they asked men and women what they were looking for in a mate, did a speed-dating type thing, and then compared their alleged preferences with the people they wanted to meet again. According to the article, the guys basically ignored their preferences and picked the attractive women. Women didn't go by their preferences either, but they did seem to select men whose desirability matched their own attractiveness.

Of course, I don't know how they operationalized "attractiveness" or "desirability". It could just have been the researchers sitting around, saying, hey, all they guys picked #14. Yeah, she's hot.

My favorite quote is "Men tended to select nearly every woman above a certain minimum attractiveness threshold ...." Again, no clue how they established the thresholds.

There's tons of literature about beauty matching, how people tend to be attracted to potential mates of roughly the same level of attractiveness, which I think is a pretty interesting phenomena. It's a good thing, too, otherwise most people would never find anyone interested in them. Of course, given that there are other dimensions of attractiveness besides appearance, it always makes you wonder when you see a couple in which one partner is disproportionately attractive -- what's wrong with them?

Everybody wants to rule the world (?)

2007-08-31T09:27:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one who's a little sick of all the coverage of the 10th anniversary of Lady Di's death? I mean, yes, of course, it was tragic. Anytime anybody dies at a young age, that's a very sad thing. But this is the USA, not England, and they're not our royalty. I swear this has been a major news feature every day for the past 2-3 weeks.

She was famous basically for who she was, not what she did (I know she did some very nice charity work, but she also had a crapton of money and plenty of free time to do it in -- and it's not what people usually mention about her first when discussing her). I don't mean to belittle her or her life. That's not what I mean. I just don't understand why this is such a massive media event, when she is famous in the same way (and with the same amount of relevance to our lives) as Paris Hilton. Was she a better person than Paris? Almost certainly. Not my point, though.

Look, I remember where I was when the Challenger exploded, and when I heard about 9/11. My parents remember when JFK was assassinated. I remember where I was the first time we declared war on Iraq. Those were events of great national relevance. I do not remember where I was when Lady Di passed. I remember thinking, huh, sad story, shrugging, and moving on. I understand that lots of Americans are fascinated with British royalty, but I do not understand why, and I can think of dozens of celebrities that have died since then that had far more impact on my life.

Then again, I guess Anna Nicole Smith's death (tragic, and although she was not as beloved, she may have been nearly as prominent in American pop culture) got at least as much coverage. Are we going to see weeks worth of features on her life on the tenth anniversary of her death? Wouldn't that be weird? Should I act surprised when it happens?

I'm not saying Lady Di wasn't a great person -- I don't know either way. I'm just saying I don't get how she was relevant to us, as Americans, or why she was such a huge deal.

Breaking news!

2007-08-23T16:19:00.000-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/08/22/dinosaur.speed.reut/index.html

What a great headline! "T-Rex could outrun David Beckham". Apparently T-Rex could get up to about 18mph when sufficiently motivated. The article notes that this would allow the toothsome carnivore to chase down most modern sportsmen such as Becks, but that world-class sprinters can go as fast as 25 mph.

For some reason the selection of Beckham as hapless snack cracks me up -- he's not really known for his speed, although they couldn't have picked a very speedy athlete because some of them could have outrun T-Rex.

What I would have preferred is a chart outlining who could outrun a T-Rex and who couldn't, preferably in full-color USA Today style. Here is a prototype:

In which I analyze what made the Harry Potter series work

2007-08-20T09:10:00.000-05:00

Like tons of other people around the world, I recently finished the final Harry Potter book. Unlike most of those people, I read the previous books for the first time over the last month or so. I've seen all the movies that are out to date, but I think that reading all seven books essentially in a row makes the differences between books really stand out.

I will start out by saying that I enjoyed the series (heck, why would I have slogged through thousands of pages in a month or two otherwise?). I had some pretty big issues, especially with the writing -- but still enjoyed it. At this point, it's more than a little cliche to criticize the Potter books, although it's probably even more cliche to praise them until your fingers bleed, too. But I'm a little curious why I enjoyed them despite being driven insane by what came across to me as major flaws.

I'm starting with the flaws because they're more obvious to me, and hopefully will lead me to why the books were good anyway, by process of elimination.

Flaw number one, for me, has to be the writing style. There are long passages where it seems like every other sentence ends in an ellipsis .... (Of course, I do that here all the time, but this is a conversational-style blog, not a novel.) Characters almost never simply do things; they always hurriedly grab their books, and so on. Similarly, they never just say anything; they whine, they mutter, they howl, and most unforgivably, they occasionally ejaculate (no, seriously, she wrote that). The word "said" is pretty much the most transparent word in fiction. Let the character's words convey the emotion; show me, don't tell me -- this is all basic stuff. Plus, using ALL CAPS TO LET US KNOW A CHARACTER IS SCREAMING GETS REALLY OLD REALLY FAST. Especially during one of many scenes where everyone is screaming, all the time. We get it. It's another amateurish mistake. Now I'm well aware that these writing problems may not bother most people, but they absolutely took me out of the flow of the story many times, and if you read any book or how-to guide on writing fiction, you'll see all of these issues described as things to be avoided at nearly all costs.

Flaw number two occurs only in the later books, but is egregious enough that it's this high: she desperately needed a firm editor to rein in those monstrously wordy tomes. She's admitted in interviews that Order of the Phoenix needed a lot more editing, but so did every book after the first three. For example, in Deathly Hallows, she could easily have lopped out the middle third and greatly improved what was otherwise a solid read. I don't mean that she should cut out all the interesting background details and subplots, because I think those are a strength, but there's a lot of completely useless scenes where the characters do nothing and we learn very little. Which sort of segues into ...

Flaw number three: the Deus ex Machina. In the earlier books, this was almost always Dumbledore, who seemed to appear at just the right time to set things right. In the last two books, even worse, Harry would "just know, without knowing how" that something was the right thing to do -- this is such an egregious example of lazy writing, and it happened multiple times in the Deathly Hallows. It's fine that there are powerful forces looking out for him, and they should help, but when Harry and friends struggle to overcome something, and then that something is solved miraculously for them, that's not rewarding. Especially when those gods in the machine could have and should have turned up earlier to prevent things getting to that point. Simply put, the protagonists should be solving most of the problems through their own actions, directly or indirectly. Otherwise, their struggles have no real tension for the reader.

Flaw number four: the main characters, especially Harry, do not change. Sure, Hermione learns eventually that sometimes you have to break rules, and Ron gets over some trust issues, but there are just a few minor tweaks over thousands of pages! In fact, Harry himself is sort of one of the least developed characters. We know he's brave, a bit hotheaded, loyal, sometimes intelligent ... and that's about it. This relatively empty slate does allow readers to project themselves onto him, which isn't a bad thing, but with all he went through in the books I'd expect him to have gone through some pretty major changes besides just growing up. Especially when it comes to the end (no spoilers here!) -- there's little tension, because we know Harry will go through with what he has to do. Plots need real tension, but this was sort of faux-tension. I read because I wanted to see how things came out, not because I wanted to see if he could do it.

Flaw number five: as the series progressed, there were some pretty big plot holes, usually involving people and institutions acting stupid so that plots could continue as planned. In the early books, this was more forgiveable because they were sort of light fluffy kid's books (in style and plot). For example, the system of magic is kind of goofy -- you can just point a wand and say some words and things happen, even when you don't know what the spell's supposed to do (for example, Harry casting Sectumsempra). But you can also cast without words, but I guess you have to know what is supposed to happen? How are people still discovering spells, especially since they all seem to be faux-Latin constructs? Why haven't people just learned Latin and tried everything? Also, the House system at Hogwarts is cute but doesn't hold up to scrutiny. One house is made up of the brave, and as we find out, brave always equals good in the end (some Gryffindors are arrogant or annoying, but they're all good guys). Ravenclaws are the most intelligent, so they say, but then you'd expect to meet a lot more scholars, teachers, and government leaders from Ravenclaw. Slytherins -- yeah, let's sort all of the evil kids into one house and not watch them any closer or acknowledge their evilness. Then act surprised when they don't help us. Brilliant. And poor Hufflepuff. Even the name makes it clear they get the leftover idiots who are not brave or smart or really evil. They seem to have some hapless do-gooders in there, but they're obviously the loser House. The system works when you're telling a light fantasy kid's story but when extended to a wider world and a more mature setting, it doesn't really make sense.

So those are my gripes. What's left? Well, I see some pretty clear strengths in the characters, and to some degree, the setting.

Who among us would not like to visit Hagrid to see what he's brought in for class next week? While the three main characters are fairly static and there are some throwaway one-dimensional characters (mostly teachers -- McGonagall, Trelawney, heck, even Dumbledore for most of the series), a lot of the supporting characters have great depth and nuance to them. Snape is the obvious "shades of gray" choice, but I find him far less interesting than Sirius, Lupin, and even Harry's dad. Other characters develop and change in unexpected ways, like Neville, Fred and George, and Ginny (which makes the main characters' static nature a bit more disconcerting). Some of the less developed characters are still pretty interesting, like Moody, Tonks, some of the ghosts, some of the other students, even Gilderoy Lockhart.

For all Rowling's talk about shades of gray and "the choice between what is right and what is easy", though, nearly every character is very clearly good or evil. Especially the evildoers. Obviously there's no hint of good in Voldemort, but neither is there in Bellatrix, most of his Death Eaters, Umbridge, really the Malfoys, etc. Despite some vague hints otherwise, there's no doubt about Harry and his gang, Dumbledore, or Harry's dad's gang, either. Sirius and James (and maybe Dumbledore) could possibly have been jerks, but there's nothing to make us doubt that they were one hundred percent good guy through and through. For me, it's the shades in between that are far more interesting. I like a flawed hero.

Which brings us to (spoiler ahead if you haven't read Deathly Hallows) the case of Snape. If you couldn't see his redemption coming ... you probably either don't read much or are twelve years old. However, I didn't find his redemption all that redeeming. Sure, he was brave, and did some very good things in the end, but his reasons were not impressive, and he sure was an enormous jerk in the meantime. Considering all he put Harry through, I'm surprised he named one of his kids after him. I can't see how all would be forgiven. Same with the Malfoys -- they escape punishment just because in the end they kind of bailed on the bad guys to save their son? Sure, Narcissa helped out a bit, but both Lucius and Draco already did some pretty nasty stuff that shouldn't have been forgotten. I was hoping for a redemption story for Draco, but we didn't get it. It wouldn't have taken a whole lot more.

Then you have the random, out of the blue changes of heart. Dudley being nice to Harry once right before he leaves. Percy showing up to fight at the end. There's others that I'm forgetting. These seemed completely manufactured just to give slightly happier resolutions to their relationships, but they came out of nowhere so they didn't make sense to me. They could absolutely have worked if there had been any progress towards them that we had seen, rather than just being told, "I changed my mind!" On a somewhat related note, the deaths of Lupin and Tonks deserved some on-screen time. They seemed added in after the fact, and they deserved more, I think. I completely appreciate Rowling's willingness to kill off semi-major characters, and I applaud it, because an apocalyptic battle just has no weight if there are no major losses.

I've gotten a little off on a tangent here. Refocusing. The other major bit of awesomeness, to me, is the worldbuilding. The wizarding world, most especially Hogwarts, is in and of itself one of the most interesting characters. (While resisting yet another tangent, I think this was one big problem with the final book: very little Hogwarts. Our three static main characters aren't so bad when experiencing all the coolness therein, but on their own in a tent, they're pretty boring. But yet again I digress.) The concept of a school so old and so magical that even people who have lived and worked there for decades don't know all of its secrets is just a fun place to explore with the characters, and is of course a great boon to the writer as well because it's an easy way to introduce plot elements. There is nothing new about the concept -- I frankly grind my teeth when I read about how original Rowling is -- but the execution is superb. The key here is that the world they live in is not only fantastically interesting, but that it is sufficiently deep that there is always more to learn about it. The little tidbits of background story imply a huge, deep world, while the story itself scratches the surface. That's the sign of compelling worldbuilding.

So I think that's it, then -- it's the characters and most especially the depth of the created world that make the Harry Potter series an entertaining read. I do believe that they outweigh the flaws, and while I will never put any of these books on my personal favorites list, they are reasonably high up on the "fun reads" list. Which is not to belittle a book as a "fun read" because it's pretty darn hard to write one, and even some of my favorite books are not fun reads. It's like the difference between a really excellent hamburger and the tasting menu at Jean-Georges. They're completely different, and while you revere the Jean-Georges experience, you probably go back to the comfortingly delicious hamburger a lot more often.

Overlong Lolla Recap Time!

2007-08-07T11:37:00.000-05:00

Every year I recap my experiences at Lollapalooza. Mostly because I'll forget, otherwise, and people will ask me how it was and I'll mumble something about Pearl Jam or Red Hot Chili Peppers or whichever act I was over 10 years ago closed this year. It's just part of getting older. Well, that and I can actually sort of afford the tickets now.

This year was way more crowded than last year, which was way worse than the year before. However, they made some improvements, mainly in the layout and sound bleed between stages, and significantly, the bathrooms. It's like they finally realized it would be smart to empty out the portapotties every day. Made a huge difference. I don't care that they got rid of the portable sinks because they were always out of order, and I carry Purell to things like this (again, with age comes wisdom). Free earplugs from the Playstation tent, carrying in tons of water (two 1.5 liter bottles -- that's right, bigger than the 1 liter limit, but that's just how I roll), applying so much sunscreen that I look like a member of a zombie flash mob ... I'm just better at these sorts of things than I used to be.

And by the way, to all the people who bought tickets and didn't show up until the end each day ... seriously? If I want to see a headliner, I'll get tickets to their show. I'm not going to show up early to camp out in front of their stage in the sun, listen to whoever else plays that stage (who may or may not suck), all just to see a show that's half the length you'd get at their own show. Oh, and pay several times more. It's just not that smart. So I get there at the beginning, go see all the bands where you can just walk up to the stage, get some food, and chill out on the lawn for the later afternoon acts when it starts to get crowded, and then I leave. Yeah, it helps that the bands I want to see are mostly on the small stages, early on, but that's because I'm so totally indie that I like bands that don't even exist yet.

This year, we found some gems, heard some acts we knew would rock, and very occasionally, heard some pretty big disappointments. Also drank some beers, paid far too much for some smoothies, and I got sunburned all over my head. Normal year, in other words. Without further ado (and you all know how much I dig further ado, so this is tough for me), the running diary:

Friday:
11:45 -- I arrive early to see the Fratellis. I like them, because they sound like a great band to get drunk and get into a bar fight to, so I grab a beer and head over. Apparently lots of other people like them too, because this is the most people I've ever seen here this early. Last year, there were maybe 80 people for Be Your Own Pet, and two years ago I swear only like 30 of us watched OK Go kick ass. Had to be 400+ people there. In between responding to text messages (dude I'm on my way; getting in shower now; hey i just woke up whos playing) I realize that there is no energy on stage at all, which is odd as the Fratellis are a high-energy band. Turns out that they changed guitars between EVERY SINGLE SONG. I'm used to diva guitarists doing that but the bassist was doing it too! Come on, mate, I thought, we bassists are supposed to be the practical ones! But no, despite every song sounding the same, they all switched every single time. I kept hearing snippets of the band at the nearby sound stage, and they had a nice bass thump and is that a banjo? Screw this, I'm heading over there.
12:15 -- Sweet, the dudes' playing a banjo and there's a kickin' drum machine ... and hey, that's some heavy bass. I check the schedule, and it's Illinois. Who are, naturally, from Pennsylvania. There's like six of them up there, and the lead singer sometimes sings and sometimes does this like King Missile-ish stream of consciousness rant, which is actually far cooler than it sounds, and the bass player is really driving the groove (right on, brother!). The last half of their set is far too short, but hey, I already found a sweet band by accident, which is what this should be all about. Some friends start showing up right as they're ending.
12:30 -- Doug and I grab some food and check out some of Ghostland Observatory, where K&A went straight to. It sounds pretty cool, a little 80s-ed out for me, but there are only two dudes, and one of them wears a cape, so that's always good.
1:00 -- At Doug's request we check out Chin Up Chin Up, playing nearby. I'm all about tagging along to see bands I don't know, so this is a promising start. They were OK. Like Illinois, there were 6 or 7 people up there. Unlike Illinois, our consensus was that they really needed to cut 2 or 3 dudes, starting with the guy who mostly danced around with an (unmiked) tambourine, and eventually sang some (not so good) backup vocals. We spent a while trying to figure out whose younger brother he was, and then went back for the end of Ghostland Observatory. They were very energetic. K&A reported that they were suitably rocked, and Melissa and Jason met up with us, having caught the tail end and also been impressed. L met up with us, we did the quick break thing, and we reconvened at ...
1:45 -- Bang Bang Bang, continuing the repetitive band name theme. Fun, southern-fried rock from Nashville, a little Black Crowes, a little Skynyrd, a little Kings of Leon. I would like to hear more of these guys. It sounds like they're still working out their exact own sound, but even generic southern rock is cool with me. Plus, this side stage was completely shaded, which was supremely awesome. Keep an ear out for these dudes, they were fun. Here we split up for a bit; L went home to feed the little dude, Doug and K&A went off to Polyphonic Spree, and Melissa, Jason and I headed over to catch ...
2:15 -- Viva Voce. I'd heard samples and liked them enough to iTunes their album, but hadn't actually listened to it yet so I didn't know what to expect. They're a husband and wife team from Portland (which they announced right after Jason asked me where they were from) -- he on drums, she on guitar. When she took out a Rickenbacker 620 and started to shred, I decided she was completely hot, even though I couldn't actually see her (guy behind me: why's that dude wearing a skirt? me (turning around): dude, that's a chick. guy: nah, man, i think that's a dude in a skirt.) Another weird subplot: there was a clearly audible bass line for most songs, but no visible bass player. Except for when she took out the doubleneck bass + guitar and alternated shredding both necks. But it was weird, where was the bass coming from otherwise? Anyway, my favorite set of the day, hands down.
3:00 -- faces melted, we head over to catch the end of the Polyphonic Spree, because it's apparently quite a spectacle. We get near, and the mix is incredibly bad, loud and high-heavy, so that all you can hear is the lead singer and the (fairly out of tune) flute.
3:10 -- we decided to camp out for Electric Six instead, in some shade. However, the Spree is still so loud (and bad, though again, it could have just been the mix) that we needed earplugs. We were pretty far away. They did a happy-fun version of that Nirvana song that goes "I'm so happy, because today I found my friends / were in my head" or whatever, and it kind of made me want to puke. Thankfully, the second they ended, Electric Six started right up. (different guy behind me: how many guys are up there? his friend: i think six. [Ed note: six is correct]) Doug found us and L rejoined us. Electric Six were pretty solid. I mean, you can't go wrong with "I Buy The Drugs" and "Naked Pictures of Your Mother". The lead singer was hilarious (OK, those were our worst eight songs. I guess it's time for the dance music.) It was indeed, featuring Dance Commander, Gay Bar, and their most well known song, Danger! High Voltage. Seriously fun stuff. Plus they were pimped out in awesome suits -- the singer kept referring to the guitarist, in a white three-piece suit, as the White Wolf. Good nickname. Then some girl got up on stage and danced ... interestingly ... and security ran on and carried her off after she'd been up there a good three minutes. (Lead singer, after the song: Thanks everybody. No white chicks on stage.) Pretty solid set all around.
4:30 -- food break, with K&A peeling off to catch MIA. We could hear her fine from the food court. Crappy and overloud sound from the Bud Light stage (where the Spree just were) is a running theme. I enjoy MIA just fine but a bright outdoor stage in a park doesn't seem like the right setting. L goes to feed the little dude again and Doug goes off to ... I can't remember. What, I'm supposed to keep track of everyone?
5:00 -- Melissa sets out for a gig in the 'burbs, and Jason is kind of interested in Silversun Pickups, so we head down there. It's uber-crowded and the little we heard wasn't that cool, so we head back up to catch The Rapture and run into Doug, too. They're pretty fun, bass-driven dance music, with a healthy and welcome dose of cowbell. Another chick gets up on stage, again is left there for a few minutes, until security finally runs out and grabs her. She's better looking than the last one, and it's on the same stage. Weird. I make a mental note to check out this band again soon, although I suspect live is going to be vastly better than recorded. Oh, and the singer dude sounds like a girl (much like Silversun Pickups, and many others we heard). I have a crazy high singing voice, but I don't sound like a girl. Except when I mean to.
6:00 -- another refreshment/shade break, during which we make fun of the snippets of G Love we can hear (K has particularly strong negative feelings!). L rejoins, and there's more splitting up, although all I remember is that Doug decided to take one for the team and catch Satellite Party. Someone has the see the host's band, you know. I remember getting a text from Jason about them, so I guess he went too. I think Liz came with us. I can't remember when she joined up with us. Sorry Liz!
6:30 -- L and I head off to lounge on the lawn and catch the Black Keys, who put on one of my all-time favorite sets two years ago. Unfortunately for me lots more people seem to have caught onto them since then, and it's packed. This is the first set at the Bud Light stage where the sound is good, but the guy just has two dudes to amplify, so maybe the difficulty level was lower. I love to see these guys up close, but we've already seen them live a handful of times, so lounging won out. Liz and L were both disappointed that the guitar/vocalist grew a giant caveman beard, because he's kind of a good-looking dude under there. So I hear.
7:30 -- Discretion is the better part of valor, so I head home to give my mom a break and take care of the little guy for a bit, and L stays to catch LCD Soundsystem and some of Daft Punk. By all reports, both were quite good, but they're not really my style, and it's a marathon, not a sprint. Gotta keep fresh, can't crash after just one day.

Saturday:
12:00 -- Again I arrive alone, and so beer in hand, I head to catch Arckid, and happily run into K&A there (I think Doug found us before the set ended). If you don't know, some of these guys used to be Spacehog, and the lead singer is married to Liv Tyler. I kept looking around for a skinny woman with long hair, probably with a big floppy hat and sunglasses, but no luck. Anyway, they were really good. I don't think they have any recordings out yet, but I'm totally following up on them. Lead singer/bassist plays a Rickenbacker (just like me, so you know that's cool), and other lead singer/guitarist rocks some crazy tight red pants, which he surprisingly pulled off. Good loud rock and roll, and they're very British (I think it's the clothes and hair). Also I drank lots of beer. I think just two before lunch. Hey, beer before lunch is totally rock and roll.
12:30 -- Lunch. Then beer.
12:45 -- We head to Tokyo Police Club. K&A get up close to the stage, because that's how they roll, and Doug and I hang back a bit to make snide comments about all the kids in the crowd and drink beer. They are very enthusiastic. They are also adorably young. I decide that I would probably adopt the lead singer / bassist, because he's like 19, and I could like buy him beer and stuff. They're honestly a little sloppy, but it suits the style OK. It's just a touch 80s for me (see a running theme?), but these kids are absolutely going places if they keep it together. They haven't been playing for that long, they'll tighten up. Also, we drink more beer.
1:30 -- I can't remember exactly how we killed the time, but I think this was when we checked out the music store tent and I picked up Illinois' album (short but quite solid). We may have played more Playstation here. We did not check out Tapes n Tapes, which I had intended to do, but the little we heard walking by didn't really suck me in.
2:15 -- I didn't have much I specifically wanted to see this afternoon, so when Liz was excited for Aqueduct, I was all in. Small stage again, like Arckid (again, because I'm so damn indie rock). The lead singer/keyboardist is sort of heartwarmingly chubby and frankly, most of these guys look a little dorky. They're like the opposite of Arckid, sort of. However, I'm completely down with dorky, as you probably know. They start out with some funky "the ladies all love aqueduct!" kind of jam, which is fun. Then most of their stuff was very 80s keyboardy stuff that sounded like the soundtrack of a movie you saw back then that wasn't quite good enough to get played on cable anymore. One of their songs, as the guy said, was inspired by the Princess Bride. On a scale of 1 to 7 where 7 is utterly shocked, and 1 is completely unsurprised, I was about at a negative twelve. And I'm the dork who just described that with a Likert scale. By this time, I've had enough beer that I had to pee, and who wants to be made fun of for having to pee in the middle of a set? So I got more beer to cover for it. (A: dude, is that your third beer? That's awesome! Me (shaking head, holds up five fingers)) Still, the lead dude was endearingly psyched, introducing songs with stuff like, "this next song is called [...], it fucking rocks!" He was so earnest that it didn't come across as arrogant, either. Then they closed with a cover of R Kelly's "I'm a Flirt", and their mojo was back. We all agreed that they needed to do more of the goofy ladies-love-aqueduct and R Kelly cover kind of stuff, because it was super fun and got the crowd going. Fun set though.
3:00 -- catch some of Silverchair. Meh. Wander around a bit, see the merch tents, pee, drink more beer, etc.
3:30 -- go to see Cold War Kids, again on the same small stage, but apparently the small stage was a big mistake because there are more people here than at many of the bigger stage shows. I like their album, and I like the dude's voice because it always sounds like he may or may not hit the next note (and the bass player plays a Rickenbacker, at least on the album, and it sounds sweet). Apparently, live, he really doesn't hit that next note sometimes, and not always the one after that. Maybe it was me, but I heard a lot of other people talking about how they sounded bad. That's my second big disappointment of the weekend (after the Fratellis, who also had a bass player who recorded with a Rickenbacker and was performing with other basses -- hmm). More general wandering and socializing, and L meets up with us (deciding at the last minute to not bring in little Z because it's too crowded). No more beer drinking, though. Getting pretty tired and having major foot problems. Getting old sucks.
4:30 -- Park on the lawn and listen to The Roots. They're kinda meh, but it's gorgeous out, and the music is nonobjectionable, even if the sound mix isn't great (Bud Light stage again!). I attempt to nap a bit, mostly fail (water bottles do not good pillows make). I am vaguely interested in the Hold Steady and very interested in Muse, but my feet are really bad (ancient soccer injury), so I decide to go home and see if I can tape them up and make it back out. Of course when I get home I take a nap for nearly two hours, after which my feet are so stiff that there's no way I'm walking anywhere, but hey, Muse comes through pretty frequently, and I'd rather see them indoors on their own. (Their bass player, who is awesome, plays ... wait for it ... wait for it ... a Rickenbacker bass! How many running themes have you spotted?)

Sunday:
11:15 -- Yeah, so I crap out early, but I get here before most people, too. Doors haven't even opened yet, which is weird, because some band starts right at 11:15, and I'm going to see an 11:30 start. Finally get in, get my beer bracelet and a beer (doesn't take more than a minute on the way, because who else is drinking this early?), and head to ...
11:30 -- Juliette & the Licks. So Juliette Lewis is in a loud dirty hard rock band? And they're playing at 11:30? I'm so in (yet again, by myself, receiving texts about how people will be there soon). They're pretty solid, and lots of fun, and she's a great frontwoman in the classic flailing around the stage, manic sort of way. What's cool is that I get pointed at by Juliette and at least one of the Licks (guitar player) several times from the stage because I am the only one on the stage left side drinking beer. When people clap, I hold the beer aloft. Try it, it looks pretty cool, and then you don't have to try to clap and spill your beer without even clapping well anyway. As we've discussed, beer before lunch is totally rock and roll, and Juliette and the Licks know it. (Of course, having partially learned my lesson, that's the day's only beer, but that doesn't make it any less rock and roll.) Very fun set, and they are very appreciative, since it's earlier than they usually get up, so they're thrilled we got there and are rocking out and drinking beer (here another point at me), and this is one of their first American shows. Good times. Also excellent stage diving work by Juliette.
12:15 -- meet up with Melissa & Jason, get some food, listen to some Dax Riggs. He's pretty good, but I think I liked last year's set (as deadboy & the Elephantmen) a little better. Maybe just because the drummer he had then was kind of cute. K&A check out the 1900s, a local band, and report that they enjoyed them. I'm sure I'll get to check them out sometime. We walk around, catch some of The Cribs (for me, fun, but not so memorable), meet up with Doug, Liz, K&A, and L, and all converge at ...
1:15 -- Rodrigo y Gabriela. Holy crap, are these two amazing. It should not be possible for two people with acoustic guitars and no vocals to melt faces, but these two manage just fine. We had a great spot, although it started to get very hot and sunny and for some reason I was covered in hundreds of gnats while nobody else had any (I think it was my yellow shirt; I swear I'd showered mere hours ago). These two are amazing. Best set of the weekend for me. They did most of their originals I'd recognize, some of their covers (with quotes of lots of metal/hard rock standards mixed into songs), and got the whole crowd to provide vocals while they played "Wish You Were Here". Which sounds cheesy but somehow worked. I'm not even going to debase this set with many more words; go check them out. They were awesome in the literal, awe-inspiring sense of the word.
2:15 -- I told Doug I'd keep him company while getting up close for Amy Winehouse but we got separated and the crowd got really thick and I couldn't get to him, so we met Melissa in the shade and listened. Decent sound (for the Bud Light stage, which had been sucking all weekend), and she can really sing. I can understand the dirty hotness although she really doesn't do it for me personally. I thought the set was fine, but maybe (probably) I would have liked it more if I was way up there. You miss out on the energy when you can't see the stage. By the way, a 2:15 set would not have been crowded last year, and two years ago, you could have walked up to within 20 feet of the stage and still had elbow room. Yeah, I'm that guy who's complaining that things used to be better. For me, anyway.
3:15 -- L wants to hear some Paolo Nutini due to the fun songs of his on the radio. It sounds like they were flukes, and he sounds a little whiny live. She bails on him pretty fast. I'm a little bummed that I missed out on the Heartless Bastards and then the Black Angels for the last two sets, but hey, conflicts pop up when you have such a sweet lineup like Sunday's. We wander a bit, get some overpriced smoothies, catch a little Apostle of Hustle (better band name than music, from the little I heard, but not bad), L went home, and the rest of us regrouped. There was a lot of support for Iggy in the next time slot, and I am fairly into Kings of Leon, and people were open to them, too, plus a few others. But most of us decided we wanted to stick together for once. Which means it's time for:
LIGHTNING ROUND!!!!
4:15 -- Iggy and the Stooges. Man, that dude still has it at 60. Of course he's singing a song about how much it sucks to turn 22, which is hilarious.
4:30 -- Kings of Leon were really solid. Fantastic bass sound (looks like he's playing a Thunderbird, which is a bass I solidly respect and hope to own one of someday, just a massive rock bass), great vocals; I decide I need to see them in concert. Which makes me feel better when we leave a little early for ...
5:00 -- Peter Bjorn and John, who only played for like fifteen minutes before all their sound mysteriously cut off. I liked them more live than I've liked their recordings so far; they were pleasantly fuzzed, and they seemed really pumped to be playing here. I guess they're just starting to tour in the 'states. Not quite my style of music, but I respect it and I was glad to catch some. We waited for a while, but it was the lightning round, so we had to move on soon anyway.
5:20 -- !!! are certainly interesting live. I enjoy their most recent album, but their lead singer ... well, I can't really take him seriously. I'm not sure if you're supposed to. He's very Napoleon Dynamite, at least after D-Quan's dance lessons video. Tight short shorts, polo shirt -- just weird. We watched for a while (they were a little overly loud, too), and the rest of the gang wanted to check out Yo La Tengo, so I headed off, because we were having dinner later for L's birthday. I might have stayed for Modest Mouse, but I didn't feel strongly about them or anyone else from that point on (I was over Pearl Jam 10 years ago).

All in all, a great weekend, with some excellent finds in there, even if unlike previous years there were no "favorite" bands that I absolutely had to see. I'm sure I have more comments to come. Please feel free to share your own recollections.

SYTYCD Top 10 recap

2007-07-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

When the dancers all came out, I realized that I don't really like any of the ones that are left. Plus a few of them did some weird stuff in their 2-second solos that almost looked like they were making fun of Hok by trying to do some of his moves and failing miserably. Kids, if you're not going to take the competition seriously, why should I? Oh, wait. I don't. Carry on.

Cat is wearing an understated (for her) blue shiny Greek goddess kind of dress. And hey, again, it's real short. No wonder there are only women in the audience below her; a 15-year-old boy getting that kind of view might actually expire mid-show. Which wouldn't stop them from talking about "dancing for their lives", but would make it even funnier. When the dancers all stayed onstage with her, I got excited because I thought she was going to dance again, but alas, it was not to be. Instead they pimp the tour -- hah. Right. Sounds like fun. I note that they're hitting both Reading AND Wilkes-Barre. Get psyched, rural Pennsylvania. I guess there's not a whole lot of competition for the entertainment dollars there, except from the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Yankees minor league affiliate. Now that's a tie in that I could get behind.

I love the way Wade Robson introduces the solo they're all going to do, as if 10 mediocre dancers can change the world by doing a cheesy short solo piece that they may or may not believe in. You know, forget about volunteering, speaking out, or god forbid, voting ... just dance. That'll help. Drop those kids in the Middle East now and let the good vibes flow! It's so stupid that it's brilliant, really, isn't it? I think he secretly hates being involved in this show and that it's getting more attention than his own dance reality competition that was on MTV a few years ago. (Go ahead. Look it up. I'll wait.)

So whoever was first does the solo, and I'm thinking, gee, this is kind of boring. Wait, the music stopped, and the stage went red, and she's limping around ... did she hurt herself? But how would they know to make the stage red? Oh ... now she's smiling and dancing around. OK. Well, maybe the next solo will be more interesting. But it wasn't. It was the same routine. The random moment in the middle where the music stops and they scream or whatever did not make any more sense the 10th time it happened. Plus I noticed how ridiculously slaved to the music the movements were. Every time the vocals stopped, the dancer paused. Every time John Mayer sang "waiting", they made clock hands or pointed at an invisible watch. Every time John Mayer sang "world" they made a globey-shape with their hands, and then "changed" it. This would have been exceptionally clever if it had been choreographed by a seven year old. Mr. Robson, I have enjoyed your previous work on the show, but I thought this was a giant steaming pile. Unlike most giant steaming piles, I had to see it ten times. And why did they scream when the music stopped and then go back to a dopey smile for the rest of the piece? I really don't get it.

Wait, did they change the world with their dance? Maybe they'll show proof tonight, actually.

Lauren and Pasha do some Shane Sparks stuff. His choreography never makes sense to me. It's like he gets loaded and videotapes himself doing some Star Wars Kid crazy moves and then uses that the next day as the basis of his piece. However, I completely dug the robot spider theme of this piece, because robots are awesome, and hip-hop robot spiders ... well, let's just say I'd watch that anime movie. I'm also thrilled that the skeleton outfits once worn by the bad guys in Karate Kid are making a comeback in the world of hip-hop fashion.

Judge Mary completely bungles the More Cowbell meme by saying that the only prescription is for her to see more of Pasha and Lauren. If next week she says that all your base belong to Pasha I will hunt her down and punch her in the throat (lightly).

Sabra and Kameron windmill around the stage for a while, and apparently Sabra is awesome and Kameron is not. I don't know, myself, I was entranced by my own bellybutton, which I found far more interesting. I usually like Tyce, too ... did they all get together and decide it was crappy choreography week and not tell anyone? They're so going to announce at the end of the show that this week's show was a joke, right?

Lacey and Danny do some samba, choreographed by former contestant (and recipient of Mary's molestations) Dmitry, whose last name is, improbably, Chaplin. It's like he married someone to stay in the country and took her last name. Lacey completely hams it up for the camera, as per usual, and for no reason that I can discern, Danny describes working with Lacey by lifting his shirt and showing us his scrawny man-boobs. I really don't get it. Then they dance, and Lacey's great, but hey, this is her style, and she's like a junior national dance champion in latin dance or something, so she should be. And I will say that she looks hot while she's dancing, especially in latin ballroom where her porn-faces are acceptable. In other styles those faces look completely over-the-top, but here they are apparently acceptable. Anyway, she mugs furiously for the camera, he does the same while attempting to look aloof and awesome, and it's almost like they're pushing each other out of the way -- hey, look, maybe pairing these two wasn't such a good idea. They each clearly need a submissive dance partner to stay out of their way and bask in the glory of their awesomeness. I'm still sick of Danny.

Please make the solos stop. Apparently Sabra is by far the best but I can't tell you why. I actually liked John Mayer before I heard this part of the song eleventy billion times in 90 minutes (actually, more like 60 -- thanks, Tivo!).

Jaimeieiiei and Dominic get to do a Viennese Waltz, which for some reason, the choreographer wants to do in a Spanish style. Why does this keep happening? The judges keep complaining about this kind of jumbled choreography, but it keeps coming up. Nigel, why don't you do something about this instead of complaining afterwards? I'm sure you could find hundreds of great choreographers who will stick to whatever limits you give them to be on this show. His weak protests after these routines kills me, because it's essentially his fault that they are allowed to continue. I don't know. Whatever. I thought the routine sucked, but I don't know if that was the dancers' fault or what.

Sara and Neil disco. I love when these kids disco, mostly because I remember all the disco tunes at college parties as when all the drunk girls used to run out and form a big circle and scream the words as loud as they can and spill beer, while random couples were making out in the dark corners of the dance floor. Or in the brightly-lit middle, if that's how they roll. So yeah, watching people actually dance to disco cracks me up, but they always find choreographers who look like they might have actually been there, at Studio 54, when this all went down in the first place. Or they really liked Saturday Night Fever and wear craptons of makeup. Either one. But seriously, who wouldn't rather watch a cheesetastic disco than most anything else? OK, dance dorks. Sure.

I blocked out the discussions of the solos, especially when they spend way more time on Danny than he deserves. I guess if the audience is picking who goes home (by way of not voting for them), my guesses would be Danny or Kameron (leaning towards Danny because Kameron will get more "cute" votes) and Jaimeieiie ... maybe Lauren. It's not about who was worst, but who the least number of people thought was best, or at least were motivated to vote for.

Can we go back to having a musical guest I've never heard of during the results show? It makes writing this blog easier. Kthx.

An open letter to the customers at the new Dunkin' Donuts that is on my way to work

2007-07-24T09:34:00.000-05:00

Dear customers at the new Dunkin' Donuts,

Apparently, most of you have never seen, or never been in a Dunkin' Donuts before, despite the fact that this new branch is mere blocks away from multiple established locations. Well, as I'm an old pro, and the proud father of a young baby, I have the knowledge as well as the motivation to teach you how to get out of my way quickly so I can get my coffee faster. Believe me, it's an important part of my morning routine. This new branch is actually on my way to work rather than a block or two out of my way, so I'd appreciate if we could make things run smoothly for all of us, K? Thx.

First of all, it's a Dunkin' Donuts. Your ordering options are fairly limited. Most people just get coffee, maybe with a donut or a muffin or a bagel, and yes, they have some fancy-ass drinks to compete with Starbucks, but seriously, coffee is the draw here. It's good, it's relatively cheap, and it's quick. You should really have a clue what you want to order by the time you get to the front of the line; if you don't, step aside. See how I'm holding exact change in my hand? That should tell you that I know what I want, and I want to get it as quickly as possible. So please forgive me if I glare at you while you umm your way through a frozen mocha blast order with a breakfast sandwich and then fumble around for your money (or worse, your credit card ... seriously, carry a fiver with you, will you?). People who need coffee are not patient, especially if you're ordering dessert at 8:30 am.

Secondly, if I've seen you there before, you should know that they're going to ask you what you want in your coffee. Yes, I know some of the workers have accents, but if you can't figure out that they're asking if you want cream and sugar ... what else goes in your coffee? What else could they possibly be asking you? Know what you want, say it up front, and keep things moving.

Third, if you order coffee, or even one of those stupid frozen sugar things (that take forever to make), they're going to ask you if you want a donut or a muffin as well. Apparently you need to be prepared for this difficult question, which is why I am warning you now. Perhaps you have not been inside a retail store for the past 10 years, but this is called "upselling" and is a standard corporate technique for increasing sales. If you're the sort of person who didn't want a donut before the question, but changes their mind and gets one after, congratulations, you are the sort of cattle that makes this profitable, but at least answer quickly.

Then, after you've ordered, or better yet, before, take your money out of your pocket, or your purse, or your gigantic messenger bag ... wherever you have it squirreled away -- because they're going to ask you to pay for it next. Don't act surprised! Our monetary system is an improvement on the old barter system and allows us to exchange certain pieces of paper and metal for goods and services. If you haven't figured that out yet, then you're either carrying in a raccoon pelt to trade with or you're a little slow. I'll forgive you if it's the former as long as it doesn't smell too bad, because those things are tough to catch and put up a fight.

Let me walk you through this step-by-step, using my own ordering technique by way of example:
1) When the counterperson looks at you and says "can I help you", step forward and order what you would like in a clear voice. Yes, there are two of them, and they're good at figuring out whether or not the person in front of you is already being helped, if you're not keeping track. If you're not sure what you want yet, what were you doing while you were in line? Why did you even come in?
2) If ordering coffee (or some awful coffee-based sugar bomb), specify your dairy product and sweetener, or just say "black". If you don't, they will ask you, and if you don't know, I bet you'll have problems figuring out the fancy coffee lid later, so you should probably just walk away now.
3) They will then ask if you want any donuts or muffins. This is not a trick question. If you don't, just say, "no thanks". They have to ask you this. If you do, go ahead and order them and pardon my dirty looks for not ordering them before.
4) HAVE YOUR MONEY OUT! I should have made this #1. It is OK if you don't know exactly how much it will cost. Regulars who always order the same thing should know, but this isn't a big deal. After your order is fully placed, they will tally the total on their "cash register", which is a newfangled machine designed for the purpose. Yes, tax in Chicago is ridiculously high. Just be aware that they're going to ask you for money, and be prepared to hand some over. Also be aware that everyone will hate you if you pay by credit card. It's not like those Visa commercials where the credit card is faster than cash. Those are set in a magical fairyland sponsored by Visa. Dunkin' Donuts is in real life. Cash is faster.
5) Sometimes your order will take a minute or two to come out. This is usually true if you ordered something fancy. If you stick with coffee and perhaps a muffin or donut, they'll hand it right to you. Your penalty for being needier is waiting while they make your fancy-ass diabetes-promoting beverage. Please step out of the way while you wait. They won't forget to make it, and they will not give it to anyone else. Be a little patient and let people through and you'll be sucking down your frozen giant-ass potion shortly.

Thank you for your consideration. If you follow a few of these rules, not only will you get your disgusting morning food and drink sooner, but I'll get my magical, nourishing coffee as well, and we can all be happy together. At least until you have your sugar crash in 45 minutes.

Oh, and I'll see you in Corner Bakery for lunch, you ordering-challenged sheep.

SYTYCD top 12 recap

2007-07-19T11:04:00.000-05:00

First of all, hello Cat, in your just a little too short and just a little too pink fancy dress. At first look I thought it was almost normal, but I even said out loud we hadn't seen the whole thing, and while I was expecting the back to be the crazy part (like that green satin Christmas present dress), the camera panned down and the dress stopped way before I thought it might. Of course, on a normal-height person, that might be a below-the-knee length dress, but on her it exposed miles and miles of not-quite-human legs. I'm rethinking my alien hypothesis and am now going with a cyborg that was merely built by aliens to study humankind -- and why wouldn't they have an attractive female cyborg for this mission, even if they got some of the details bizarrely wrong? It's a little like the movie Species, which is exactly why I would never make out with Cat Deeley (I'm not positive it's cheating if it's with a cyborg, but if not, it is at the very least icky) -- I don't want her tongue to burst out of the back of my head. I like my brains where they are, thank you very much.

Anyway.

Wade Robson is the guest judge, and I point out that this means that half of the good choreographers won't be choreographing this week. Nigel says this moments after I do, which creeps me out a little. He's my favorite judge, but I don't know that I want to be on the same wavelength as him. But hey, validation is validation, and I'll take it where I can get it.

I am going to ignore as much of the pre-dance banter as I can because it was so stilted that it seemed scripted. We get it. Everyone's hot, most of the guys are sweaty, and everyone stinks. I could have told you that. And stop pushing the Hok-Jaimieieiii showmance so hard. I'm not buying it.

Sabra and Dominic jive. Sabra should really win this competition if it's really about the best dancer. She just looks so right up there, and L pointed out that it's because her facial expressions are starting to match her ridiculously impressive natural sense of lines. Dominic continues to be fine, but he's the supporting player in this partnership and everyone knows it. The judges gush, and I'm not sure it was gush-worthy. A few of the lifts and moves (the part where he swung her around and hopped over her legs in particular) didn't look good. At least Mary gives them some helpful criticism (about their kicks or something; I usually tune her out) instead of screaming unintelligibly. Anti-props for Nigel, who had this conversation with Dominic (paraphrased):

N: You're from Sacramento, right?
D: Yeah.
N: That's gold country, isn't it?
D: Uh-huh. (blank look)
N: Well you are proof that there's still gold in Sacramento!

Gag. It's like he's trying to prove he is hip to American history. Still, it was slightly less lame than last week's "I thought it was awful ... that it didn't last longer!" fake-out that failed to fake anybody out. Although it was significantly longer. Seriously, who's writing his material, Jay Leno's writers?

Jaimeieiiieie and Hok draw Broadway with Tyce (the other good choreographer), and run around doing jazz hands, which Tyce seems a little sensitive about. They are doing a piece (from Fosse, no stranger to jazz hands!) about an old dude who can't dance anymore and his spirit. Or at least that's how they explain it. Of course, I immediately point out that it's a dance competition ... why would you choreograph it so that one of them can't dance in the piece? I mean, unless it's Cedric, in which case they can have him stand around and make faces like they did most weeks when he was on. This is like making an American Idol contestant sing a William Hung song. But then we see the piece, and he's mostly dancing ... sort of. Some of the moves look restrained, but he does click his heels together and walk on his hands, not exactly standard moves for old guys. Predictably, he gets nailed for his performance, but why didn't anyone blame the choreography? How does it make sense for him to try to portray someone who is too old to dance while doing things most limber 20 year olds can't? Maybe he could have done a better job, but I can't believe none of the judges gave him credit for dealing with a lose-lose situation. If he danced well, he'd miss the point of the piece, and if he communicated the point of the piece, he'd have danced poorly. Tyce screwed him over big time. I'm still a big Hok fan. I mostly disagree with the judges' comments about him, but I think he's a lock for top 10 because they all want him on that tour.

Sara and Pasha get their jazz on and we learn that Sara's arms are about the same size as Pasha's ... not because he's a wimp, but because she's jacked. Yikes. Their costumes are hilarious as is their choice of song (Body Language, by Queen). Look, I like Queen as much as the next guy, and probably more than most people, but this song is funny. It's not quite Get Down, Make Love, but it's close. They're pretty good, but a few of the lifts are fairly awkward, and he almost drops her during one of them. The judges slobber all over them, which is weird because they've been pointing out all sorts of nitpicky flaws, but somehow completely overlook several that I caught. And I barely know what I'm talking about (I apparently only date dancers (er, back when I was dating, that is), so I have years and years of watching experience, but no doing!). Maybe they got distracted by the hilarious outfits. My favorite moment of the night is when Nigel for some reason points out several different influences in the choreography, followed by shots of Mandy Moore (!) nodding sagely as if to say, "I totally wasn't thinking that but sure, let's go with that". OK, really I just wanted to work the choreographer's name in there because it's funny.

Lauren and Neil draw the Mia Michaels Pain Factory ... I mean contemporary routine, which apparently means doing nothing that makes any sense or looks natural. L assures me that Mia is a very good choreographer who creates interesting routines, but they usually don't do much for me. Maybe she's the Philip Glass or Captain Beefheart of dancing, and I'm just a guy who likes the Spice Girls and Hanson. Wait, that sounded old. I mean, I like the Fallout Boy and Hilary Duff of dance routines. Much better. I actually really like this routine because it's not another "relationship" piece like every other freaking angsty contemporary piece. It's really weird. They're like androids from Cat Deeley's home planet or something (the smaller version). Wade continues his vague douchiness by saying this is the first time he's taken Neil seriously. Even though he worked with him last week and Neil was good then. Thanks, ass. Nigel continues to lose some of my respect when he tries to get them to explain what's going on, and there is no story, and he keeps talking about how he doesn't like it because he doesn't understand it. This is a) not their fault, because they didn't choreograph it, and b) completely lame coming from someone from the dance industry! I mean, a philistine like me can say stuff like that, but this is like a trained actor saying that Waiting For Godot is a crappy play because it doesn't make sense, or that Jackson Pollock sucks because he doesn't paint tangible things. It's art, dumbass! Anyway, I dug it, so maybe I'm more sophisticated than Nigel. That must be it.

Anya and Danny are next, and Danny continues to be a snide, arrogant jerkwad in that all he can think to compliment Anya on is her choice of costumes for her solos, which he's really laughing at, not complimenting. Nice move, ass. I can't understand last week's conversation about how he's not arrogant. Anya says he's good looking, which, given that she seems intelligent, I think means that she can't think of much else to say about him that's nice. And he seems to eat it up, anyway. Then they got their foxtrot on, and it's pretty solid, but not amazing. What absolutely kills me, though, is that the judges all say how Danny finally didn't come across as having an inappropriate attitude this week. They fail to notice the irony that the foxtrot is a dance where you're kind of supposed to look like an aloof, arrogant prick. Hey, a stopped clock is right twice a day, folks (well, only once on European/military time, but still), and this clock is stuck on self-centered megalomania.

Kameron and Lacey do the most hilarious hip-hop routine ever. They couldn't decide whether to put Lacey in a schoolgirl outfit or a cheerleading uniform, so they just did both, and then they had her dance like a stripper. I mean, the butt-sticking-out and general grinding probably would have been OK, but there was one move where she did a split, thrust out her pelvis (covered only by underwear), and shook her hoo-hah around in circles. When I'm embarrassed to be watching something with my mom, and that show is aimed towards young teens, it's probably a little too much. I barely remember what Kameron did, and they even had a long part where Lacey sat down on the side for a long time and just made stripperish faces at him while he danced -- although the camera still showed only her half the time. That said, I kept getting distinct K-Fed vibes from him, so maybe that's why I tuned him out. It's a survival instinct (although I do love that commercial where K-Fed makes fun of himself working at Burger King or whatever ... dude has enough money that he should be able to laugh at himself, but it's good to see). Then for no reason that I can tell, Kameron picks up a random 15-year-old from the audience at the end of the number. Then they pretend it wasn't scripted (if you saw her, you could tell she knew it was coming). I'm not sure whether Lacey took it way too far herself (a distinct possibility, wild over-acting is not out of character) or if it was choreographed that way. Then Wade babbles some criticism that is completely unhelpful because nobody knows what he's talking about (a running theme -- does he make up stuff to criticize so people remember how awesome he is?), and the other judges call Kameron out for "not bringing it". Dude, he was K-Fed! He was fine, it's just that none of them could stop watching the crazy-eyed cheerleader-schoolgirl-skank.

Your bottom three, I think, will be Jaimeeiieie and Hok, Anya and Danny, and Sara and Pasha. I'm hoping Jaimeieie and Danny go, but I think Pasha might be in trouble, and maybe Anya. They're just too smart to eliminate Hok yet, and I think they're too high on Sara. I hope they don't take Anya away; I'm talking myself into her being the attractive one left. Leopard print helps! I'm still reeling from the loss of Jessi. I think they'll keep Danny but that America will vote him out as soon as they can (next week!).

I love that the audience boos any criticism or suggestion that someone will be in the bottom three -- even though they put them there, and half the couples have to be. It's just like American Idol! Especially when the judges are right. (Well, like Simon, anyway. Wade was kind of Randy in terms of making no sense but talking fancy, and Mary is like Paula on uppers instead of downers.) I'm also thrilled that Mary mostly abandoned her "hot tamale train" garbage. Much like the interstate passenger rail system, the hot tamale train's time has long passed. I do kind of wish she'd stop trying to be hip and/or funny and just start wearing puffy-painted shirts and comparing all of the dancers to her cats. (Kameron, you were just like Mr. Muffles, who is always trying to be the center of attention, and Lacey, you were like Sugarplum, who is a naughty little kitty! This one time, Sugarplum threw up all over Fluffy's bed and fluffy meowed at me to say "look what she did, mama!" But Sugarplum was like "deal with it, I'm a bad kitty!") Seriously, can we just skip to that phase?

Montana is hilarious

2007-07-17T10:09:00.000-05:00

So while we spent 10 days in Bozeman, Montana, I wouldn't say we had the typical tourist experience. We didn't hike, or ski, or camp. L went to class and I watched the little guy for the first part of the trip, and then L's parents joined us and watched the little guy during the day and I got some work done. So we didn't leave the hotel much except to eat, and did only a tiny bit of exploring Bozeman itself -- which doesn't take long anyway.

We flew to Bozeman on the morning of July 4th -- a great day to travel. The flight was full, but it was direct, and Z did great for his first time on a plane. The airport is small, but not tiny, about 5 gates, lots of exposed wood beams and statues of bears. The rental car guy was very chatty, and first tried to sell us on an upgraded car, which I declined, having already reserved a full-size. He asks why we're there, and decides to put us in something "special" for the "graduate" (L). Then he gives us directions to the hotel that basically were, go down the access road out of the airport, when you get to a flashing amber light turn right, then get on the other side of the access road, and then turn left when you see the hotel.

We hike out to the car with our mound of luggage, and we're nearing the end of the row and I'm hoping that car at the end isn't ours. Check the license plate. Ugh. He put us in a gigantic maroon Grand Marquis. We're not even 30 yet, let alone 80. But the trunk is huge, at least. So we drive out, and follow the sketchy directions, which prove not only to be completely adequate, but could not have had much more detail. Not in Chicago anymore, for sure. And you could do 60 on the two-lane access roads. We park at the hotel, and even the parking spaces are enormous in Montana -- we have feet to spare on either side of our leather-clad grandpamobile. Remember how I was a rock star just a few days before this? I think this is the opposite of that.

For the first couple days we were there, Bozeman experienced a record-setting heatwave, setting an all-time high at 103. Of course, it's at a fairly high altitude, and it's really dry, so it didn't feel that oppressive. When it was in the low 90s I was actually fairly comfortable wearing jeans and a t-shirt. The hotel air conditioning went berzerk in response, though, so I had to wear a sweatshirt in our room.

All of the trees that we saw near the hotel and in most of the area were scrawny 8-foot things that provided no shade, so the cavernous interior of our maroon boat functioned more or less the same as a brick oven, the leather upholstery proving more of a torture device than a luxury item. Little Z actually cried nearly every time we put him in the car, and of course the town is so small that by the time the A/C had cooled the inside of the car to something approaching the outside edge of the sun's photosphere, we were already at our destination.

For the first few meals we ended up at a chain restaurant right next door to the hotel -- amusingly called Old Chicago. They had posters up of different events in Grant Park, and, even better, an old ad for the railway station that used to be where our condo now is. So there were posters essentially for our house and backyard, and the theme was of our home city. Interesting.

It seems like a running theme in Montana is that you're in the Wild Wild West and most everything is more or less legal. We saw signs for at least 10 "casinos" in town, many attached to bars or restaurants (including, I think, a KFC), and many of the bars advertised live poker (I was assured that many do in fact have games running every night). You can drive 60 on the access roads, and 75 on the highway (they recently repealed the no-speed-limit on the interstate law; if that were still in effect I would have gone out of my way to drive it). Early on in the trip, we weren't sure if you could make a right turn on red -- but of course you can! Pretty much anything goes out there. To fit with the theme, I had a beer with nearly every non-breakfast meal while I was out there, until I was so burnt out on restaurant food near the end of the trip that I didn't want to eat anything.

Another running theme is that Bozeman seems to have an inflated sense of its own historical significance. Something like 580 buildings are on a historical register. In a town of less than 30,000. That hasn't been around for all that long, anyway. It was like, whoopee, another old brick building. Just because something is old doesn't make it awesome. (Except for Abe Vigoda; while he was cool when he was younger, he's way cooler now.) My favorite plaque, which I think was serious, read, "on this site, on [some date], John Bozeman ate his first cheeseburger". If I had the time and was 13 years old I would have made a commemorative lolcat. Maybe one exists, I don't know.

Anyway, Bozeman seems like a lovely little town, and once we got out and explored a little there was some nice food, mostly in the pub/bar categories (hey, it's a college town). The people seemed nice and it seemed like everyone else had babies or young children, but maybe we're just primed to notice them. It's just that as a destination in and of itself, there wasn't a ton to do. The bizarre sense of legal permissiveness, sheer amount of space and lack of people even in what looked like civilized areas, lack of significant trees, enormous parking spaces, and odd sunlight hours (sunset was well after 9pm) made it feel just a bit alien, though, and knowing that vast wilderness was not far, and other settlements in the state were few and far between (and small), if you thought about it (which of course I did) lent it the aura of an outpost on a barely-settled world. Of course, I'm a nerd and I had too much time on my hands while I was there, so your mileage may vary.

Part-Time Camaro

2007-07-09T09:20:00.000-05:00

If you know Bang Camaro, you know they're looking to recruit dudes all around the country to make touring easier on them; although bringing 10 of their dudes all over the country is still a pain, it has to be easier than bringing all 20 or however many of them there are. Their Midwest mini-tour a week ago was their first real road trip, and might have been the first test of their franchising plan, but instead they were able to bring nearly their whole choir. This worked for me, because this way I got to see them in their full glory the first time around, but it meant no official Chicago choir this time around.

Maybe a month or so ago I sent in an audition video to the band. (Should I post the link? I gave it an obscure tag so nobody would find it unless they knew it was there ... it is a pretty ridiculous video, being that I'm drinking beer and singing metal in my bedroom. Wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses. In my bedroom. Rock and roll! OK, fine, here it is.) My video apparently was deemed sufficiently awesome to qualify me to be a member of the Chicago dude choir, the traveling team, Camaro-in-exile ... whatever you want to call it. It's like being a Knight of the Round Table of Rock -- you're always ready to answer the call. They didn't need me this time around (and understandably didn't have time to get me up to speed), but they invited me up to the first Summerfest show in Milwaukee to watch and meet the dudes, and see if we could work something out for the Chicago show Sunday night.

I road-tripped up there with L and Doug and the little dude, Zeke. It was Zeke's first rock-and-roll show, and for a nearly 3-month-old he seemed to do pretty well. He has the fist pump down but when we work on the horns he usually just gives me the finger. By the way, why do people always say that it's only an hour from Chicago to Milwaukee? I think even if there was no traffic (i.e. in the magical land of make believe) it would take longer. I propose that the next time you hear someone say this you punch them in the throat. If we all do our part, maybe we can stamp out this vicious rumor.

We got up near the stage and rocked out. Zeke and L retreated for the second half of the set, but even L seemed to appreciate the rock in person. I think her reasoning was that it's more fun when you can see how into it all the Camaros are. I think that means she thinks they're cute. Which is what metal dudes normally go for, right?

Anyway, I pumped my fist in the air, yelled, and raised my beers to the band. Alex and Bryn both spotted me and pointed from the stage. For some reason, being pointed at by somebody rocking out on stage is super cool. I doubt that the fact that I pointed back was as awesome for them, but it was the least I could do (the double-beer salute might have been better). The dudes put on a sweet show and clearly enjoyed having a stage the size of Rhode Island to work with.

Afterwards, I met a couple of the dudes, and set up meeting early the next night back in Chicago. Then we needed to start the long drive home since the little dude isn't quite used to rock and roll hours yet, but apparently we missed them all getting on stage to rock out with Slaughter. Slaughter! I mean, I was a little bummed that Winger fell through but it turned out pretty sweet.

So, Sunday: I cab it up to the Abbey Pub around 5. Show starts at 9, Camaro on around 11. I walk into the stage area where there are a whole bunch of dudes hanging out. I find first Bryn and then Alex, both with guitars strapped on (I thought at first they just walked around like that normally, but I guess they were doing a sound check or something). They introduce me to the dudes, and I am immediately swarmed. Handshake, name, meaningful eye contact ... repeat, etc. I readily admit that I'm not going to remember any of their names at first go, but I get them all down by the end of the night. Then we hang out for a bit before the full sound check.

Walking into any group of 20 or so people is tough, especially when they all know each other. When it's a group of dudes in a cool band, it's even more intimidating, even though I was invited to participate in some as-yet-unspecified way. Pretty much all of them, though, went out of their way to be cool to me, talk to me about something, whether my audition video (not all of them had seen it), a cappella music (granted surprising credibility in a rock setting, but then again the applications are obvious when you have 20 dudes singing 3 or more parts at a time), what else I'm doing musically (described my experimental bass-only solo project, met with the standard encouraging nod that means it will probably suck but good for you for trying), or the Chicago music scene (which I don't know as well as I should, having been out of the scene for a couple years). They seem like nearly all good dudes. I say nearly all because in any group of 20, there has to be at least one or two douchebags. I don't know who the douchebags are, but I bet they know.

Then they soundcheck with the whole band, and after a song or two, Alex says they're going to do Swallow the Razor (which I did in my audition video) and would I like to join them on stage for the soundcheck? Um, of course. So I run up on stage and share a mic with the Nuge, who looks like a hipster Jesus, and we rock it right. Rock Rebellion was next, and I guess they figured I couldn't screw up their soundcheck because Bryn turned around to grin at me and say "good luck". I mean, it's their only song that has more than like 10 words. We did one more, I think Lady Lightning, and packed it in. At this point, I'm already pretty psyched to have performed a few songs with them, even if it was just for their sound guy, their merch girl Jillian and Jillian's friend from Chicago.

Most of the dudes go out to hand out some flyers at the Taste of Chicago and around Wrigleyville. I stick around the bar because there was some chance some people were stopping by early, so I had some beers with the other dudes who didn't fit into the van. (A few street teamers had piled in to help.) Most of them had never had Old Style, so we had a little introduction (although it came in bottles ... I prefer it in a can). It went over well, especially when the bill came. Then we hung out "backstage", which was really a boiler room with a couple couches, the back bench from a minivan (complete with seatbelts, which were utilized for safety purposes), and most importantly and centrally located, a giant bucket filled with beer, bottled water, and ice.

Many beers were consumed, and plenty of water, too. While most of the guys were smoking and drinking, they were also being smart and staying hydrated (as one of them declared, "I'd just like to point out, chewing gum is awesome.") Five shows in five nights, cramming into a few hotel rooms and two vans, doing tons of driving ... it takes a toll. You have to be smart so that you can bring the rock every night. Of course, it helps that if a few of the guys get hoarse there's still 15 or more of them singing full out, but I got the impression that none of them wanted to let the others down. A true rock brotherhood.

The opening bands were both very cool -- D-Connect and Juzt Nutz. D-Connect in particular look like a tough group of dudes, and I think there's always the concern that a metal band might think the Camaro is (to borrow a phrase from across the pond) just taking the piss. I mean, they look like indie rockers, not metal guys, and they're doing an over-the-top take on the genre, but it's genuine (with a nod to the basic ridiculousness of 20+ indie dudes doing metal, which doesn't make it less genuine). However, the D-Connect guys were really nice and super supportive (and put on a great set themselves, as did Juzt Nutz). It's my experience that the scariest-looking dudes in bands are often the nicest ones. I guess they get it all out on stage.

Before the Bang Camaro set I headed down for the vocal warmups. All I'll say is that they take it seriously, and even warmed up a bit more than my a cappella group does before performances. It takes a lot of work to rock, as I've said before, and not all of it is glamorous. You may see their warmups on MTV News this week, but I think they tried to stop the MTV cameras from following them (they taped a rehearsal a while back), so you may not. I still have no idea what cookie blow is, though.

Even right before the set, I still wasn't sure what my role was going to be. It was decided that they'd do the first few songs, then introduce me and bring me up for Swallow the Razor, the one song I had proof I could rock tough on. When you have 20 dudes, though, there are bound to be mixed messages, so I wasn't clear on whether or not I was staying up there. But whatever, man, the most important thing was that I was about to get onstage and be a Camaro. Details were unimportant.

The first few songs were a blur because I wasn't sure when I was going to be up. I stood with some of my friends (thanks, Doug and Liz -- and Melissa, Judi, and Jason!), and rocked out until Alex gave me a signal and I made my way up near the stage. One of the dudes (I can't remember who) got on the mic and introduced "the newest Camaro" ... I don't think I heard the rest. I don't think the 100-strong crowd drowned him out (hey, it was an 11pm set on a Sunday night), so I must have just been too pumped. I bounded on stage and ran the gauntlet of high-fives, fist-bumps, and assorted other masculine greetings and took my place in the choir. They'd shifted things around after soundcheck so I was now in the Land of Giants (aka the Given section), sharing a mic with Zach with Jake on my other side. (I was relegated to "also Jake" that night -- 20 dudes, one name shared by two of them, and it's Jake? You'd think they'd double up on Steves or Nicks before that, but you'd be wrong. It's because Jake is a totally rock and roll name.)

We rocked Swallow the Razor hard. Afterwards I still wasn't clear on whether I was supposed to exit or what, but the dudes around me didn't seem to think so, and they launched right into the next number, so I figured, what the hell? If I don't know what's going on, I'll just back off the mic and headbang a bit, no harm done. I mean, it was crazy crowded up there (it would have been a good size stage for a normal-size band), and I was warned that dudes regularly uppercut each other while fist-pumping, but I was onstage. I was a Camaro. I wasn't leaving unless someone made me.

I don't remember the order, but I was up there for The Ballad, FYTFO, Rock of Mages, Gates of Love, Push Push (Lady Lightning) and Nightlife Commando, in addition to Swallow the Razor. Sure, there were a few of them I hadn't technically sang out loud before, but I'd been listening to the album on my iPod a lot to make sure I knew them, and I just sang whatever part the dudes around me were singing. I thought I rocked out respectably and freaked out when applicable. Although there wasn't much room there was a lot of switching up on mics (one highlight being triple-teaming a mic with Jake and Morgan -- swapping spit while belting out Lady Lightning is a big part of being a Camaro, evidently) and running around and headbanging with different people. Thanks go to Pete for pushing me up to the front of the stage during Lady Lightning -- I hadn't wanted to push past a bunch of dudes to get there, but he was right, it's rock and roll, you do what you have to.

All in all, it was awesome being a part-time Camaro that night. The energy on stage was incredible (the club itself was very well air-conditioned, but the stage was hot as balls and apparently everyone in the Land of Giants sweats like a cold beer on a hot day). I unleashed my inner rock star although once I know for sure which part I should be singing, I'll be going even more nuts. I can't wait for these dudes to come back to Chicago and for there to be a few more local dudes in the Chicago choir. It's going to be huge.

Catching up

2007-07-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

It's been a crazy week. Last weekend (a little more than a week ago) I was a part-time rock star. This week I'm driving a ridiculously large maroon grandpamobile around Montana while being a stay at home dad. I'm going to get caught up today on updates from the week, but it may take me a while. The brief recap: Bang Camaro was awesome, Montana is hilarious. More to come.

SYTYCD Top 16 elims

2007-06-29T10:49:00.001-05:00

Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding between us and our DVR, we missed the first fifteen minutes or so -- including the group dance number. I'm sure it was entertaining.

Cat, meanwhile, seems to have been wearing an alien tribute to Christmas. From the front, she looked like a Christmas present, all wrapped up nicely in green. From the back she looked like a Christmas tree. Wasn't all that crazy material heavy? How did she not topple over backwards or get caught on stuff backstage? Must be due to the preternatural balance of her alien race.

We get to see the Pasha-Jessi routine we missed out on last night and let me only say that Jessi is a monstrous upgrade over Bette Midler's twin sister or whoever that was. The routine looks better too. They make more talk using inappropriate comparisons between getting kicked off the show and dying, but nobody seems to notice or care, even Jessi.

I'm pretty surprised by the couples in the bottom three. Lauren and Neil probably should have been, but I'm surprised they didn't get votes for being so gosh darn likeable. Sara and Jesus were easily the second best, so their placement is criminal. Anya and Danny ... well, they were good, but I'm not sure any of the voters can connect with them personality wise. Nigel then gives a condescending speech about how it's not like America voted against them, just not for them. No, America doesn't hate you, it just doesn't like you or doesn't care. That's way better.

While Nigel's condescending (which I love), Danny is giggling. I can't figure out why; the only thing I can think of it that he thinks it absurd that he could possibly be judged to be in the bottom, which makes him look like a total ass. Which is exactly how he looked earlier on in the season, but we haven't seen much of him since, so I kind of forgot. So, nice job looking like a conceited jerk. That's totally going to make people vote for you. That only works if you're British.

(By the way, some combination of Cedric's posturing, which now seems even more brilliant, and the judges, especially Mary, completely overdoing their negative comments, obviously led to the mobilization of voters for them. Mary just kept piling it on the nicer he was, which made him come across even better. Whoops. Not like he's not done the instant the judges can kick him out though.)

More bad solos from the girls. Lauren ... dancing to K-Fed ... or really, walking around for most of the routine while I yell, "dance, you moron! do something!" at the screen. You have a short amount of time; you have to use it all. Just stupid. Sara does her thing to some Queen Latifah, and it's good, but it's clear to me that she's not as good at this as the male breakers on the show this season or past seasons. Maybe she's a novelty. Jessi does some ... I guess there was popping and some locking, I don't know. She forgets to rub baby oil on herself, which clearly irritates Nigel. I think her main problem on this show is that she can't decide what style she wants to be hers, so she keeps switching, and it's never great. Finally, Anya does something. All I remember is blue sparklies and a terrible cover of Fields of Gold.

The dudes, on the other hand, are solid (well, two of them). Neil goes all spinny and flippy to some really sensitive music I've never heard of, and Danny does some crazy stuff to some El(l)iot(t) Yamin. Jesus, on the other hand ... I don't know what to make of this. The good thing is that it actually goes with the music, which I totally appreciate. However, he looks utterly ridiculous, and the choreography looks like something from an 11-year-old girl's dance recital. I mean, it's really tacky. Did I mention that no man looks good with jeans rolled up to his knees and socks jacked up? This looked like a bad SNL sketch.

Then, the interminable musical guest, who we couldn't fast forward because we were watching live. How do they get stuck with two dudes I've never heard of the past two weeks and then get Fergie and Luda? Anyway, Fergie is wearing canary yellow mom jeans, which are N-O-T H-O-T (I think she only understands when you spell things out). Oh, and a gold rope that must weigh a million pounds. L thinks she stays skinny by dragging around absurdly heavy bling. It's a good theory. Also, she can barely walk in her eleven-inch heels. Good times.

Nigel (rightly) yells at the girls for sucking, then (rightly) calls out Lauren for not dancing, then abruptly eliminates Jessi with no further explanation. Everyone looks confused for a few seconds. I'm guessing Nigel wanted to keep her and was pissed he lost out. Then he basically tells Jesus that the other two dudes were awesome tonight and he was redonkulous, so he's going home. Jimmy mouths "I love you!" from the audience.

I know I said I didn't really care who got hosed, and it's true that although Jesus was good I won't miss him (the fact that I can't un-remember that hideous solo helps), but what am I supposed to do without Jessi? There's still plenty of man-candy left for those viewers who enjoy that sort of thing. I guess I have to fixate on Cat now, huh?

So You Think You Can Dance: Top 16

2007-06-28T12:06:00.001-05:00

Right up top we get the inestimable Cat looking like she just wrestled the cover off of a fake leather couch and made a dress out of it with her bare hands. Her hair looks the part too, except that you know it took a team of four hairdressers a full three hours to get it to look like that. Somehow, she pulls it off. Her fashion sense is, like her personality, just not quite normal. I maintain that she is an alien sent to planet Earth to learn about us, and she thought doing reality TV would be the best way. She's just not quite like the rest of us; in some ways superhuman (height), in some ways just plain otherworldly (fashion sense, mannerisms). I, for one, welcome our alien overlords.

I want to give a little shout out to Debbie Allen. She seems like the most supportive person. I would like to have her provide commentary on most of my everyday tasks. If all of the judges were over at my condo and I was making cookies, I would imagine the commentary to go something like this:

Nigel: I have to say that you took a relatively ordinary recipe, no disrespect to its author, and you really gave it your own style. Adding your own twist -- bacon! It was brilliant. You are a gangsta. [Awkward quasi gang sign hand gestures.]

Mary: [Unintelligible screaming.]

Debbie Allen: [Turning to Mary] Girl, these are some cookies! [Back to me] You really took your soul and put them into these cookies, all mixed up among those chocolate chips. They were like warm hugs from Jesus and the Virgin Mary! Ooh, those cookies!

Cat: [Awkward hug because she's nine feet tall and wearing an outfit like a silver koosh ball.] It sounds like Mary wants to toss your cookies! [Brief pause while she waits to see if she got the human expression correct.]

Mary: [More incomprehensible shrieking.]

... and then Nigel punches Mary in the throat. Not hard, but just enough to slow her down a little.

(Yeah, that's what it's like inside my head. It's awesome in there. We have a good time. I mean I have a good time.)

Sara and (don't f with the) Jesus do some crumping. Krumping? Nigel gets excited until one of the PAs explains they will not be Harrumphing. The choreographer, who apparently had some role in the origins of the style, says they're going to be doing some unorthodox moves. I don't know whether he means for the style, or the style itself in unorthodox. I wouldn't know the difference. I'm also not sure how this is not just angry hip hop. I thought crumping involved convulsions and stuff. Or maybe they're delicious jelly-filled tea cakes. Oh, those are crumpets? My bad. Anyway, they do their thing, and they're really good, especially Sara. This is one of the few routines that was actually fun to watch.

Shauna and Cedric, aka cannon fodder, are up next. She saved herself last week by sucking the least during the solos, and he saved himself when the judges decided to go against everything they'd said and keep him on one more week. Anyway, they do some contemporary dancing, which apparently means you sit around for half of a terrible song emoting fiercely but not actually dancing, and you kind of spaz out for the rest. I think I can do this. Cedric basically begs the judges to can him because he has no training, which I thought was weird ... until the ubersupportive Debbie Allen invites him to come to her studio. Nigel, being the badass he is, immediately asks her, "for free?" and she commits to a scholarship right there. So maybe Cedric is actually brilliant for telling them he should leave because he has no training, and all serious dancers should go get training. This was all far more interesting than their dance.

Lacey and Kameron continue to be adorable while learning the quickstep. As L points out, Kameron is one of the few male contestants who actually looks like he wants to sleep with some of (most of) the female contestants, but it looks like he got paired with one of the ones he doesn't want to sleep with. Lacey continues to look better when the show's makeup artists don't do her up like a reject from Cabaret. The old-fashioned look suits her. Kameron continues to be wildly attractive but just a little mediocre; destined for a top 4 or 5 male finish but no more. The quickstep was kinda good, except for a few missteps, but a little boring.

One of my favorite things on this show that I haven't mentioned is watching the Euro ballroom dancers do hip hop. When they're bad, it's funny. When they're good, it's still funny. So Anya and Danny are pretty good -- the judges seem to think they should have been better, like they're so far above most of the competition, and I don't see that. Danny was solid and smooth, and Anya was totally Bond-girl (if not Bond villain) hot. I think Timbaland realized Lifehouse had a once-a-week contract with the show and got in on that action though. Seriously, there's hip hop out there that he didn't write. Well, some.

Dominic continues to be a little strange and Sabra continues to be completely adorable. She says she's funny, but that it takes a while for her to get to you. And she wants to meet Ellen DeGeneres. That last bit was by far the most informative. Somehow neither have heard of the rumba. Look, I have about as much Latin flair as Al Gore, and I know what the rumba is. You're dancers. That's like a singer not knowing who Stevie Wonder is (which, uh, happened on Idol). Of course, they could have been sandbagging because the routine was pretty solid. Suddenly the judges love them, even though in the first week it looked like they were not long for the show. The choreographer, by the way, totally looks like Gene Simmons' weirder younger brother. L points out that Sabra has the perfect body proportions to be a dancer, and everything looks right on her. This is an important point. You have to have the right body to be a great dancer, just like you have to have a great voice to be a great singer. Anyway, Mary awards them two tickets on the hot tamale train, which doesn't make sense unless you think that he is Hispanic and she is a train conductor, and even then, not that much.

I give props to Lauren for saying she wants to do something with NASA when she's done dancing, even if it may be a pipe dream. Pretty much everyone else said they wanted to act and/or sing or play with fluffy animals or toys. What are they, eleven year old girls? I'm surprised nobody wanted to be a marine biologist. Lauren and Neil are by far the two most adorable people on the show. He cracks me up. Anyway, I like them and am rooting for them, but the tango just wasn't that good. Especially her, I though. Which is a little sad.

Hok and Jaimie give the performance of the night if not the season. OK, there were some moments of borderline hilarity, like Hok's crying giraffe art (the art was fine, but why was the giraffe crying?!?!), and his random hummingbird flapping. I also like that once again a choreographer gets assigned "jazz" and decides to just do whatever the hell he wants. Apparently, jazz is a real style and has lots of conventions, none of which were present here (I had to ask L because this show's use of the style has completely confused me). Here's why this piece was awesome: because the choreographer actually worked to the strengths of the dancers! Isn't this the job of any good choreographer? Seriously, why do most of the choreographers suck so bad on this show? Wade Robson and Tyce what's his name are the only two I really respect at this point.

So then we have the weirdest succession of events during the Pasha and Jessi section. We get no explanation for why Pasha hasn't seen his family in like 10 years, and Jessi continues to be slightly dippy in wanting to be Judy Garland. They're practicing the cha cha cha, and the choreographer inexplicably wants to put in some crumping. It's like pouring a dash of malt liquor in your mojito, you just shouldn't do it. So then we find out Jessi's in the hospital with a heart problem, which they didn't mention even though she was obviously absent earlier and they actually used ambulance footage in a promo for the show this week. I'm not sure what this means, but if you told me one of the dancers randomly collapsed and went to the hospital, I would have been sure it was her. So then Pasha dances with the choreographer's assistant, who, and I'm trying to be kind, looks utterly ridiculous on stage. We're so used to seeing young fit dancers that she looks completely out of place to the point where the routine was funny. And despite them saying later that she's a former US champion, I thought Pasha was light years better than her. Just a bizarre thing to watch. So Nigel states that if Jessi's back tomorrow (which doesn't sound likely) she's automatically dancing for her life. Which, you know, is an appropriate thing to say when someone's in the hospital with heart problems. If she's not available, she's done for. Crowd boos, Nigel tries to look unapologetic but is secretly happy he's getting his smug Brit reputation back.

So who's in the bottom three? I think it should be Shauna and Cedric, Lauren and Neil, and ... I guess Anya and Danny? Not sure about the third couple. I suspect Lauren and Neil will be safe and I have a sneaking suspicion Pasha is going to fall into the bottom group. That said, all of the overeffusive praise for Dominic and Sabra, if form holds, could lead to the judges randomly deciding to eliminate them because that's what they've done every week so far.

I think Cedric's a mortal lock to get sent home unless he gathers a ton of sympathy votes, which I doubt. I would personally send Shauna home too, but I don't think Jessi will be back, which makes me sad. I have to talk myself into thinking one of the other female contestants is hot then. Maybe Anya? We'll have to see.

I can't wait for the group dance number ... with or without Jessi?! Also, will Cat wear a color that did not exist before she used alien technology to make a dress out of it?

America (doesn't seem to) Got Talent

2007-06-27T10:22:00.001-05:00

A lot of times, even when we're not watching, the TV is on in our household. (I know, hello, ADD!) So we've caught bits and pieces of what might be the worst "reality" show ever: America's Got Talent. Nevermind that they overpraise some very mediocre acts, and pass terrible acts through to the next round with regularity. Nevermind that there might be one act in every interminably long show that might be sort of worth seeing, but there might not be. Nevermind that the obligatory grumpy British dude (seriously, does someone in the British entertainment industry have blackmail photos of every American TV exec?) is the only one who will call out the musical acts for sucking, or even being just OK. No, the big issue, and it's a running theme, is that David Hasselhoff keeps getting upset when they put through untalented gimmick acts.

When David Hasselhoff protests that something is gimmicky, that thing is most definitely gimmicky.

So You Think You Can Dance top 18 elims

2007-06-22T09:37:00.000-05:00

Did I mention that I love the group dance sequences? They usually make so little sense, and for the second week in a row, we get a Wade Robson zombie piece. As regular readers will know, I consider zombies to be one of the five coolest things ever, so this is a good thing. On top of that we get different kinds of zombies -- zombie ballerinas, um ... I'm not sure what the rest are. Zombie hoodlums? And then we get the dudes who tie up their shirts like they're girls ... er, not sure what that was about. But the ending was totally awesome. Sabra looked bad-ass freezing everyone with her breath. It's like a Smint commercial! (Do those even still exist?)

Cat may not be shiny, but she's very very yellow. And freakishly tall. Throughout the whole episode she towers over everyone, and not just a little. This only increases my perception that she's not quite exactly like the rest of us.

Pasha and Jessi -- really? That was in the bottom three? They were really good. The choreography, while good, was maybe not too accessible? I'm not sure. If they could get any men to vote for this show, Jessi would never be in danger. Also, I guess I underestimated Hok's support. He's awesome, so I don't begrudge (and I don't behatin', either). Of course, two out of three couples means I'm still awesome. Dominic and Sabra obviously don't read my blog or else they'd have known they were safe. I liked when they were rolling around on the ground and he suddenly popped up and you could see by the look on his face that he just realized he could go hug Cat. Then Sabra launched into an even longer hug with Cat. Hmm. I also noticed that due to the height difference, all of Cat's hugs place the recipient's face in a fairly happy place. I think this is why she's wearing heels.

The solos are always hilarious. Jessi looks like she's trying hard to get eliminated and is wearing some awful dress that fortuitously allows her to "accidentally" flash the audience. Repeatedly. And she almost pops out the top at the end. Then Pasha's like, "Your hobo stripper style is strong, but it's no match for my bare-chested Europrance!" They're both terrible, but at the same time, there's no way in hell either one's going home, right?

Shauna apparently didn't realize that the obligatory Lifehouse song was already played the night before, and she tries to cram 15 years of fancy maneuvers into like 10 seconds. And it's not bad, even though she seems the least remarkable of the six people in danger. Jimmy's dance looks surprisingly similar, actually, but I'm most distracted by my sudden realization that he looks like a Black Vulcan. Of course, I instantly begin rooting for him, because that's awesome. Faina swishes around a bit and uses the stairs on stage (which gets props from me), but L points out that she swiped a couple moves from a scene in Dirty Dancing that uses the same music. I try to ask who's going to know that, then I remember: pretty much everyone who's voting. Cedric busts out to that weird song that's either from the OC or SNL (the latter for me), and I can't describe his style. Nobody can. It's like he's a giant squid with rhythm. I actually kind of like it, but it clearly doesn't fit in this competition. Probably we'll see him in a Popeye's commercial someday like Musa.

Another really awful guest performer who I have never heard of and never expect to hear from again. How does he afford all that bling (which seems to suck Cat in) if I've never heard of him? Oh, and also when he sucks? His backup dancers aren't good either. I'm not sure how somebody who sounds like they're speaking Spanish with a British accent goes by Daddy Yankee.

Elimination time! AKA, the judges try to make America feel bad for eliminating someone good when really it's the judges' choice. Remember how they have been praising the heck out of Faina and ripping Cedric for being unable to partner anyone? They were doing that even just a few minutes ago, but randomly (and "unanimously") decide to change their minds and boot her and not him. Yeah, makes perfect sense to me too. I love when they tell Pasha that his solo was the worst but he's safe. Then, after they have been trashing Cedric and pointing out that he will never be able to succeed in this competition, they favor his "uniqueness" over, basically, Jimmy's talent. Again, doesn't make the first bit of sense. I'm looking forward to Cat asking them about their controversial eliminations again next week and the judges giving some condescending answer about how America did it, not them, even though they could still have eliminated the worst dancers in the bottom three but didn't. Why do I love smarmy condescension from British dudes? Because it's awesome, that's why.

So You Think You Can Dance: Top 18

2007-06-21T10:03:00.000-05:00

I've had a few requests to blog So You Think You Can Dance. I, personally, do not Think I Can Dance, but L can, and so I've spent a lot of time around dance, and I know what I like and I Think I Can spot people who suck. And yes, I'm going to milk the crappy title of the show a lot while doing this, to see how often I can get the craptastic theme song stuck in your head -- na na na na (doot doo doot doo doo) So You Think You Can ... (oh crap, can't hit this note) Dance!

I want to start out by talking about the host, Ms. Cat Deeley. At first I wondered why they'd have a non-American hosting this show ... but now I know it's because accents are hot. Her main purpose on this show is to wear really shiny dresses and act coy around the male contestants so that they'll hit on her. Which is funny, because not that many of them are straight, right? It's a dance competition. She comes across as a slightly-desperate minx, which makes me think that she has some kind of personal issue that prevents her from finding love. Sometimes I think I can hear her ovaries crying. Maybe it's just the icemaker in my fridge though.

Note that I am making absolutely no judgments about the merits of various sexual orientations on this show. As a non-dancer, there are a couple things I can do to pass the time: try to figure out who goes what way(s), and root for the hot girls with low self-esteem (again, it's a dance competition -- this should be a common demographic). I don't care all that much about the dancing, and of course I don't vote. I just make snide comments.

First we get Lauren and Neil. I thought he might be straight but every time they start to have a little chemistry the two of them get all giggly like they're sharing a secret. They do a very creditable hip-hop dance to the improbably titled "The Way I Are". I guess Timbaland already spells his name funny; why should he feel beholden to the rules of grammar? I've never seen this choreographer that I can remember, and he actually does a nice job. These two are going to be here for a long time because they're good, and more importantly, they are completely adorable. Like a box of kittens whispering secrets to each other and staying up late reading Nancy Drew.

Jessi and Pasha -- he's our token weird male Euro ballroom dancer that Mary (weird screaming lady) will develop a completely inappropriate crush on. She's somehow the only stereotypically hot girl dancer with low self-esteem. I don't remember any last season. There should be tons of them. Seriously, throw me a frickin' bone, here. They do a dance that is supposedly jazz. The music is jazz (actually called "Stiff Jazz" -- hello, inappropriate!), but the dance is not. And Pasha has feathers on his shoulder for no (good) reason. Still, they're actually pretty good. Tyce is the only choreographer whose work I have consistently enjoyed throughout the seasons.

Hok and Jaimie are next. She has too many "i"s in her name. Seriously, go with one or the other. Both just reeks of indecision. They do a samba, and she's OK. He's pretty solid in some ways and not so good in others, but come on. Hok is the coolest guy on this show. First of all, awesome name, and it's really part of his name. Ridiculous hair, but he pulls it off. Also, keep an eye on him around Cat -- he's smooth with the ladies, and he's going to get some of that before the season is over. Anyway, they do a deconstructed samba roll (which sounds more like a Top Chef dish), but the rest of it's mediocre. On performance, they could be bottom three.

Sabra and Dominic kick the contemporary jams next. You know, I thought the last song, having nothing to do with the samba, was an attempt to play cool music for the teenyboppers watching the show. Then they go and drop "I'll Stand By You" on us. Also, the choreographer's name is Mandy Moore, which cracks me up more than it should. Last week as soon as I saw them before they started dancing, I called them as a lock for bottom three. This week, they were actually pretty decent. These breakdancing boys have some pretty good body control that helps with the contemporary stuff. Nice choreography here, actually.

Faina and Cedric are next. I thought she looked a little Eurotrashy during the auditions, but with the curly hair she's kind of hot in a Lucy Lawless sort of way. They do the foxtrot (aka the most boring dance ever) with some randomly inappropriate hip-hoppy flourishes. That's right, I paired "hip-hop" with "flourish". That's the sort of edgy linguistic play you're in for, folks. She's good, but this is her thing. He has impossibly long arms, and looks goofy. Like she did last week when he was good. Lock for the bottom three again.

Lacey and Kameron kick it Fosse-style next. Kameron has a cool x-treme first name and a cool x-treme mohawkzor, but his last name is Bink! Lacey, being related to David Schwimmer, was obviously paired with him because his last name is very much like Chandler Bing's, only even less cool. As L put it, great costume for Lacey. As I put it, where the hell was she hiding those abs? I was surprised. They did a very good routine, with some very good choreography (Tyce again, of course). These two are here for a long time.

Anya and Danny fulfill the show's contractual obligation to play at least one Lifehouse song every week (we'll probably get one tonight too), pairing it with the Vietnamese Waltz. Seriously, that's the only joke I'm borrowing from Cat this year. It's solid enough, but Anya is totally the secondary Euro ballroom chick in terms of audience exposure, and Danny is getting a very unlikeable edit. I think they'll end up in the bottom three and the judges will criticize America for getting it wrong.

Shauna and Jimmy do some stepping. Or so they led us to believe, but there was only a short section, and stepping is lame when you only have two people and you're supposed to be able to hear them stomp. Oh, and also when they're really not in rhythm. It's hard stuff, sure, but the judges way over-praised it. These two are not long for this show, because they're forgettable compared to some of the others.

Finally, Sara and (don't f- with the) Jesus do the paso doble to, for some reason, a weird remix of We Will Rock You. Which is in no way an appropriate song for a bullfighting dance. I mean, when I think of dudes machoing around in capes I don't think of ... no, strike that, I do think of Freddy Mercury. Nevermind. He's good. She's OK. They'll get votes because it was flashy, they went last, and he sold it well.

I think I like the opening and closing sequences better than the rest of the show. The best opening solos were from Jessi, who went for some sort of fembot thing (look at me seriously LOOK AT ME don't make me bust out the baby oil again!), and Pasha, who was dressed like a Euro club-hopping Charlie Brown. During the end sequence, where they all try to dance flashy for the camera, they converge in random clumps. A few of the girls try to dance with a few of the guys, who mostly have no idea how to respond. One girl always spins around like a stoned sorority girl at a Dave Matthews concert, and a few people kind of stand there and half-dance. This time, someone convinced Cat to take off her shoes and try to dance, which for the time this was captured on camera, was the best two seconds of television this week. After that we saw Hok totally chatting her up. It's the accent, man. They both have it. It's meant to be.

Your bottom three couples will be: Jaimieiei and Hok, Faina and Cedric, and Shauna and Jimmy. Maybe Dominic and Sabra sneak in there again. The judges will rave over the solos of Hok and Faina, and they'll be obviously safe (my money says Nigel gets a little too excited over her again). I think Jiaimiiieiii goes home and Shauna stays, although she'll be gone soon too. Similarly, I think Cedric goes this week but Jimmy gets in trouble later on.

I can't wait for their weird group number and probably terrible musical guest tonight! Also, how shiny will Cat's dress be? Will she keep giving the male contestants openings to hit on her? (Remember when Ricky got a really long hug from her when he made the top 20 ... a little too long?) Will Nigel finally up and fire the choreographers he's been bitterly (and rightly) complaining about? Will somebody please punch Mary in the throat?

Dramatic chipmunk

2007-06-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

Only watch this video if you won't draw too much attention to yourself at work when you laugh out loud:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw

This might be the funniest thing I've seen in months. It's totally not a chipmunk, but whatever. Hilarious.

When women play the bass; but why not the drums?

2007-06-20T15:48:00.000-05:00

Think about a rock and roll band -- preferably an alternative, indie type of band (whatever that means anymore). Now imagine that band has a woman in it, and she's not the lead singer. Without even asking what instrument she's playing, I'm guessing you pictured her as the bass player. That's the indie-rock cliche. You still don't see too many female drummers or lead guitarists outside of all-female groups (I'm not counting singer-songwriters because that's a different breed than a collective band). Name a couple, go ahead -- I can think of a few. But now name bands with female bass players; I bet you that list is way longer.

I'm coming late to the party as usual, but in 1999, Mary Ann Clawson published an article in Gender and Society titled "When Women Play the Bass: Instrument Specialization and Gender Interpretation in Alternative Rock Music". It's an interesting article, and through interviews with male and female rock musicians (mostly bassists, it seems), she developed some interesting ideas about why women seem to play bass much more frequently than drums or guitar (when not singing).

A lot of research has argued that women move into male-dominated fields only when men no longer want certain jobs. Here the author characterizes the bass as the least desirable, or perhaps least masculine, instrument in a rock band (her arguments seem to treat the two similarly, but I believe they are very different arguments). She provides quotes about perceptions of the bass as the "easiest" instrument, and therefore the least glamorous (what an unmasculine word choice I just made!). Like most of the bassists quoted, I completely disagree that the bass is an easier instrument to play well -- but will agree that it's probably easier to play competently. Then again, how many dudes learn four chords on guitar and go out and play in successful crappy bands, learning a few more chords along the way? Bands can get away with sloppy (if enthusiastic) guitar work, but imprecise bass playing usually renders them unlistenable. So I can kind of understand the argument, though I don't agree. I do agree that it's perceived as easier, and that's the important part of the argument.

Lots of the quotes in the article ascribe traditionally feminine qualities to the role of the bass in a band, characterizing it as a supporting instrument that connects the other, more virtuosic instruments, providing a platform on which they can shine. Drumming gets a pass in this article because it is sonically masculine -- this needs to be developed further because bass often fills a similar role in a band's sonic space (at least the type of supporting bass playing they generalize to), so I'm not sure why one is more sonically masculine. Big beefy basslines seem about as masculine as you can get, and the argument seems to break down further when you consider that women aren't exactly drawn to the tuba or trombone, instruments with similar sonic qualities, in an orchestral setting.

To me, the supposed feminine qualities of the role of the bass player seem like a post hoc justification for the prevalence of women in that role. If it were true, why then are there so few non-singing female rhythm guitarists? That is a similar supporting role in a band involving an instrument with a higher pitch, and frankly, a similar early learning curve to the bass. Nobody sane would argue that it takes a virtuoso to play rhythm guitar (I am not saying you can't play well, only that there is, like the bass, a lower threshold for an acceptable level of skill). The author specifically noted that "most bands" have two guitarists, so the rhythm guitar was prevalent on the scene she studied.

Another interesting point about how men had abandoned the role of the bass to some degree involves the number of classified postings looking for various players. The author's analysis of local classified ads matches very well with what you can see on craigslist every day -- most of the ads are looking for bassists and drummers. The author again fails to address why women are not also drawn to the many drumming vacancies, dismissing the possibility without really arguing the point. A strict interpretation of prior labor force research would indicate that drumming roles should be equally desirable if there is a similar shortage of qualified males (which seems to be the case). The "supporting" quality of drumming also seems to fulfill traditionally female roles.

A final point that I want to bring up is that the majority of the females the author interviewed (who were not all bass players) began playing instruments much later in their lives than the men. She suggests that women selected the bass because that is what would get them into bands the quickest, which is a compelling argument (notwithstanding the lack of female drummers, as described above). However, if you approach the question from the other angle, if the males started playing in high school or earlier, and did not generally join bands right away, what instrument would be the most attractive to them? It seems obvious that guitar would be most attractive to someone who is going to spend a lot of their time playing on their own and has an urge to create. I would imagine few people pick up the bass or the drums just to play by themselves, but you can play guitar on your own with satisfying results. Therefore when women start later, as most people who start later, they're doing so to jump into a band situation, and join in the roles that are not already filled. This makes sense to me except for the drummer issue.

It seems likely to me that a couple prominent "indie" bands of the 80s and early 90s had female bassists, for whatever reason, and this led more women to select that role from those available to them. If the Pixies, Smashing Pumpkins, Talking Heads, Sonic Youth, etc., had female drummers instead, would that be the cliche indie rock role for females? I think it might be. That doesn't explain everything, but I think it's a factor.

Granted that my own experience picking up the bass isn't too typical -- while I did so partially because not many other people in my high school played it, I also did so for other reasons. My dad played bass when he was younger, plus, and I'm paraphrasing Les Claypool here, I never wanted to play the jangly, screechy ones. I wanted to play the loud boomy one. That just seemed so much cooler to me at the time. The guitar never appealed to me at all back then, and not because of its role in the band, as I tended to write, then, as now, lead bass lines rather than "boring" "supportive" bass lines. I still wanted to be the glue and the anchor, but I wanted to make people shake their ass at the same time rather than just blending into the background. Bass is what makes the booties shake, after all.

On the joys of fatherhood

2007-06-14T09:42:00.000-05:00

Oh, the joys of fatherhood are vast and various. I've been drooled on, spit up on, peed on, and yes, pooped on (the latter, I'm told, is not that common an experience, so I guess it was just an ill-timed diaper change). Two days ago, though, I had probably the nastiest fatherhood experience yet.

If you are squeamish or eating lunch, I recommend you do not read on.

The little guy was mildly fussy, but generally OK in his swing chair. He hadn't made number two in a couple days (apparently quite normal) and I got the impression he was a little uncomfortable. I had given him some good tummy rubs about an hour ago and he seemed a little better. He had been making some surprisingly loud and malodorous farts, and then came the unmistakable sound that accompanies three days' worth of poop all at once. He looked exceptionally relieved. However, remembering back to when he pooped all over my hand during a similarly-timed diaper change, I decided to give him an extra minute or two to get it all out before I changed him.

Big mistake.

When I slid my hand under him to pick him up a couple minutes later, I felt a distinct squish. OK, no big deal, so I hurried to the changing table ... but then I noticed a not-insubstantial amount of pee running down my arm. Ew. I took a quick peek at his bottom end and was greeted with a sight that would turn the devil's own stomach. The rate of drippage was such that I had to make a quick move or risk getting a rank mixture of baby waste all over the carpet, and not wanting to befoul the changing table, I decided to (gently) plunk him down in the sink. I think this decision saved me a lot more cleanup.

He was wearing shorts (good) and a onesie (bad). I removed the shorts, and their inside surface was pretty much coated in a viscous goo -- the diaper had tried valiantly but more or less completely failed to withstand the onslaught. The onesie was trickier because it needed to be taken off over his head, and I was understandably reluctant to smear my poor little baby's face and head with his own wastes. If Lindsay weren't there, I might have just cut it off of him, but she convinced me to hose him down to get the big stuff off, and we were able to remove the onesie without significantly soiling the little guy's upper half.

He had just had a bath a couple hours previously, so we still had some of the bath stuff handy. However, his "bath" this time more or less consisted of holding him, screaming, at arm's length, hosing him down with the faucet's spray attachment (we needed to spray the outside of the diaper quite a bit before removing it), and then scrubbing vigorously with a washcloth. We went through three washcloths.

A panicked ten minutes after my baby did his impression of the world's worst pinata, he was clean again, wrapped up in a warm blanket, and howling his head off, but most importantly, no longer covered in his own fecal matter. I washed my hands at least 20 times that night, and threw everything I was wearing, socks included, right into the wash with his stuff.

I hope he reads this when he's older.

Sopranos as Schrodinger's Cat

2007-06-12T09:42:00.000-05:00

With all the discussion of the Sopranos season finale, a lot of people seem to be assuming that this ending is setting up a Sopranos movie, or DVD with alternate endings, or another season, or something.

I want to be on record saying I think there's no chance in hell that any more of the Sopranos story will be told. This was the perfect ending for the way that David Chase designed the series. There are no answers. Tony, and his family, and everyone else, are now Schrodinger's Cat (is that why we kept seeing that cat hanging around all episode?). That's the hidden meaning -- that there is no hidden meaning.

Of course people want answers, but this series has rarely provided them. To expect them to wrap everything up nicely at the end is to misunderstand the way the show has been written. I think most people dislike that style, but that's not the point.

I make no judgment yet on whether the finale was a good episode, just that it fit the series perfectly.

Star Trek is all true

2007-06-11T16:11:00.000-05:00

Ripping off links from boingboing as usual:

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/british-columbia/story/2007/06/08/health-green-blood.html

This dude's blood was green! Like a Vulcan! If that happened to me, I'd so keep some and show it to people.

Sopranos finale, with implied closure

2007-06-11T13:45:00.001-05:00

How about that last episode of the Sopranos, huh? Without ruining anything for those who haven't yet seen it (we usually time-shift it a couple days but happened to watch this one last night), I thought the ending was entirely appropriate for the series. I think there was quite a bit more closure than seemed immediately obvious -- many of the running subplots and themes were not explicitly tied up, but their resolution was at least implied. That's as good as we're going to get, here.

For what the final scene was, I thought it was pretty well done, if a little clever. But that's always been this series; they seem to thrill in not giving you what (you think) you want, like when the Ukrainian hitman got loose in the Pine Barrens, and making it work anyway.

I'm not sure this excuses the last season or two (I can barely remember the beginning of season 6, let alone season 5 -- when did it start to get boring?), but I think I enjoyed this ending. It was far more fitting than any other option I can think of.

On Television

2007-06-08T13:30:00.001-05:00

So the Heroes first season ended a while ago, as did American Idol, The Sopranos ends for good this weekend ... man, I thought TV was bad before, but it really looks bleak now.

First, a couple minor points about Heroes. Awesome show, but NBC's decision to put it on an inexplicable multi-month hiatus in the middle of the season made no sense. It was hugely popular, so they decided not to show it for a while. Brilliant. I thought this was a great show, and it's exactly the kind of show I tend to pick apart. I did have a little problem with the very end -- the "solution" that involved Nathan and Peter (maybe) blowing up made very little sense, when there were other clear options (hello, Claire, shoot him ... you've been through this). Also, the central bad guy plot was really extremely similar to that of the classic graphic novel The Watchmen. Like, to the point of making me wonder if I was OK with it. That said, I thought this was overall a great show, and I'm looking forward to season 2. (And if you haven't read The Watchmen -- go get it, even if you never read graphic novels/comic books. Great storytelling is great storytelling.)

The Sopranos also took a hiatus mid-season, but for even longer (what was it, a year?). This show has been jerking around its audience since the 2nd or 3rd season. Ridiculously long waits between seasons, less episodes per season, and now this random break in the middle of a season. Lame. On top of that, this last season has kind of started to suck. The tension is in no way the same as in prior seasons. Thankfully something finally happened in the second to last episode, but it kind of came out of nowhere, which is uncharacteristic for the show. I'm disappointed. Of course I'm watching the series finale, but I haven't really cared in a couple years. I used to love this show.

(On a sort of related note, last episode's Dr. Melfi scenes made no sense at all. No shrink would act like that, or be swayed to that degree from reading one article that isn't even new. Her shrink's disclosure about how Tony is her client also should have been made into a much much bigger deal, because it would have been in real life. While the scenes with Melfi were almost always very authentic, the recent events were completely unrealistic. I'm not in any way a clinical psychologist, but my field is close enough and I know enough about the ethical considerations to be positive about this. It reeked of sloppy plotting.)

So what do I watch now? Obviously, on So You Think You Can Dance, I am rooting for the hot girl with low self-esteem. You would think on a dancing show there would be more of these. I think there would be in any real dance competition but they tried to select as different a group of dancers as possible. I was a little sad the blonde in the bra didn't make it to the finals. Look, if I'm going to be stuck watching this (Lindsay is a dancer, and she puts up with my American Idol obsession, so it's only fair), I demand some eye candy. I think the show needs more of it.

Pirate Master was clearly going to be either indescribably awesome or not even worth wasting electrons talking about. Enough said.

On the Lot kind of sucks. I respect extending the reality competition genre to filmmakers, but all of the films we've seen of theirs are pretty unentertaining. Maybe they don't have the appropriate time or resources for each round. If so, it's like making American Idol contestants do karaoke but not telling them what song it is until it starts. If they do have enough time, well then, they just suck.

Top Chef is coming back -- but will it be entertaining season 1 or sucktastic season 2? It wasn't just the contestants (although season 2's top 5 were about the least likeable group of people I think it's possible to assemble), but the production of the show changed quite a bit. The good news is that I have an early season 3 favorite, the guy who was wearing the "I (heart) Hot Moms" t-shirt in this week's special. Turns out he's from Chicago, too! I hope he's not too much of a douche. Or at least a lovable douche like season 1's Stephen. I missed that dude.

The Top Chef special pitting season 1's top 4 against season 2's was unintentionally hilarious. Season 2's winner admitted he didn't know how to cook duck, and then, of course, mangled it. How do you win a multi-week cooking competition without being able to do something basic with such an important meat? I always knew that guy was a total hack. My opinions about all of the contestants were completely unchanged. Harold from season 1 is so much better than everyone else, it's not even entertaining to watch him smoke them and be completely professional at the same time. OK, it is, a little.

Should I be watching Hell's Kitchen? (Tried it last season, found it unwatchable, mostly because of the contestants.) Did Lost pick up its game this season? (season 1 was enjoyable but I honestly hate the setup, because I think it's exactly like X-Files in that they have no idea where they're going and we'll have a disappointing end to the series -- without the payoff, the mystery is just a cheap trick.) I may get sucked into the new Big Brother, although that's gone way downhill of late (not that it started off that high).

Or should I just learn to play the guitar better and read more?

The Today Show wastes my time

2007-06-04T09:15:00.000-05:00

I hate how on the Today Show there's tons of people hanging around with stupid signs trying to get on TV. Usually they go ahead and talk to kids who have a birthday, high school class trips, and groups of old ladies, but it's stupid and pointless. I am tuning in to find out what today's weather will be like, and if there's any major news I should really know about first thing. I don't care that five 70-year-olds from Altoona are having the road trip of their lives; talking to them for even 30 seconds is a giant waste of my time. I mean, good for them, really, but why is this worthy of national TV time?

One of the most annoying types of encounters was on this morning -- some older ladies held up signs that said "I'm 75!" and "I'm 60!". I mean, I think it was their birthday but that wasn't clear. So whoever was on duty (one of the fill-in anchors) of course goes to talk to them, and the one lady says "That's right, I'm 60 years old and I ran 6 miles this morning!" Great. I give a crap. Really. She was like an older version of that annoying kid from Jerry Maguire who just kept stating random facts. I expected to hear about the muffin she had for breakfast next.

I may go there next time I'm in New York just to see if I can get on camera and say "Hey, I'm 29, and I beat two whole chapters of my Dungeons & Dragons video game last night!" Then when Al Roker asks me what I'm talking about, I'll yell, "Suck on that, old people!"

On Mohawks

2007-05-30T09:23:00.000-05:00

When I went out to pick up lunch yesterday, I walked less than half a block and saw no less than three different dudes with mohawks. None of them were even together. All the short mohawk variety like I'd get right now if I trimmed the rest of my hair.

I've always wanted a mohawk. Maybe it's a sign?

AI Finals

2007-05-23T10:26:00.001-05:00

OK, this is it, the last performances that count before this season's Idol is crowned -- so how come I don't really care? From about the top 8 on it was boring, with the top 4 (and top 3) being painfully clear, and although there have been some very good performances, there's nobody I can get excited about. Not that there usually is on AI, but still.

L's analysis, going in, is that she's more likely to buy Blake's album but thinks Jordin will win. I agree completely, although if I was going to buy any AI contestant's album, it would have been Chris Daughtry's, and I didn't. Sure, I thought about it for about 30 seconds, which is a lot closer than I've gotten to buying any other contestant's album. So there you go -- I enjoy trying to figure out who's going to win a lot more than I actually like listening to these people sing, for the most part. Afterwards, I go back to listening to Wolfmother or Kaiser Chiefs or Bang Camaro, not Kat McPhee, and certainly not Constantine Maroulis.

So, OK, three songs tonight. One repeat, one new one, and then they both sing the "songwriting contest winning" song, which is always a giant crapfest, except more forgettable. Seriously, has one of these songs debuted at the finals ever not sucked? "This Is My Now"? Really? That's the best they could do? The lyrics sound like constipated thirteen year old intellectualism, and the melody ... I forgot how it went even while I was listening to it, and I heard it four times (watched the episode twice because L missed it the first time to watch the Bachelor reunion show, which, frankly, was probably more entertaining). I can't even make fun of the song that much because I don't remember anything about it.

Round one: Belt it out!
Blake re-did Shot Through the Heart or whatever that song's title really is. I mean, I had the tape back in the day, and I listened to it a lot, and I always thought it was cool that one of my relatives (my grandma? I can't remember who) used to buy flowers from the Bon Giovi (he changed the spelling) family florist. In middle school, that was an awesome connection. The middle beatboxing section was better this time around, but the whole thing was just pretty good. I don't know, maybe it's not as cool the second time around. Like hickeys.
Jordin sang "Fighter" which for some reason I always thought was by Kelly Clarkson. I thought that was a bold choice, but it turns out it's Christina Aguilera. This is obviously the round for songs that I am completely mistaken about in some way. Anyway, it's actually better than I thought it would be, and it's kind of adorable hearing her sing about getting toughened up, when it seems like she's had a pretty cushy life so far. I mean, I don't know that you really need to experience something to sing about it, but she certainly seems to believe herself, and I just want to pat her on top of her little head. I think Seacrest agreed, but he couldn't reach that high.

Round two: Everybody emote!
Blake decided that if one Maroon 5 song was awesome, a second one would be even better. By the way, could it have taken Maroon 5 any longer to come out with a second album? Their first one was filled with giant smash hits that were actually pretty decent songs. That album came out in 2002! It took them 5 years to finish a follow-up! I've heard the first single on the radio, and it's OK, but I don't have enough faith in them anymore to get the new album. But at least their lead singer lost about 50 pounds and now wears a size zero suit. I think Seacrest threw up backstage when they played on AI last week. Anyway, Blake's version is kind of heartfelt, or whatever, and I'm sure the little girls loved it. He had some pitch problems, which he only started having recently, and it's not bad ... but this is the finals, dude, step it up.
Jordin re-did "A Broken Wing" -- and Randy said it was better than the original. Bet you he's not getting a call to produce Martina McBride's next album. Simon is the only one who seemed to notice that she was kind of screaming her head off in the middle part (well, besides me, of course). I think that's just how she turns things up to eleven. Overall, I thought this was the best song of the night, but it wasn't that amazing.

Round three: Irrelevant!
Blake sings the sucktastic finals song, and it's clear that he hates it. Simon hates it too, I think, and they all sort of agree to pretend Blake never had to sing the song because it wasn't his style (i.e., a good song). Now maybe I'm just a crazy outside-the-box-thinking lunatic, but wouldn't you at least want to pick a crappy song that fit the styles of the finalists? Even if you have to pick the song before you know, make sure it fits the last few contestants, eh? Or, best idea EVER: stop making them sing a horrible song that nobody wants to hear.
Jordin emotes the heck out of it, of course, because it sounds like it was written by an angsty teenager, and she can relate to that sort of emotion. Was it just me, or did the songwriters look kind of pissed when Seacrest introduced them? It's like they wrote a bad song on purpose, submitted it as a joke, and then freaked out when they realized they will never be able to escape this song if they want a career in the music industry. Or maybe they were coked out of their minds. I don't know, but you would think they would have looked happier. Anyway, when Jordin started to cry, it was over. I mean, it was over already, but then it was for real seriously over.

Who I think should win: Jordin. If this competition isn't made to coronate over-emoting teenagers who are adorable and can sing pretty well, I'm not sure what it's for (last year notwithstanding).

Who I think America will pick: Jordin. There's literally no way that Blake beats her. She'll go on all the talk shows, record a cute little album full of emoting and crying over hardships and loves that are completely in her head, and all the teens and preteens who watch the show and vote will love her forever. They should make a Jordin doll -- maybe American Girl Place can step up here? Anyway, I'm sure that Simon's relieved that he won't have to pretend this season never happened like last season, and secretly relieved (though he wouldn't admit it) that he doesn't have to try to market another 29-year old going on 50 (Melinda) to the AI public.

In the meantime, Blake will sell tons of albums and probably go on tour with Chris R. They will be able to have any 13-to-16 year old girl they want. OK, OK, plenty of older women too. Alaina may open for them if she's still getting with Chris R. Melinda will become Oprah's new best friend, Oprah will start a music club that consists of Melinda's album and a bunch of older albums by R&B singers that sound just like her, then announce a couple months in that she is canceling her music club because there is no more good music left to pick. LaKisha will replace Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls, at least when the national touring company happens. Chris S will become a major player on the college Christian rock scene ... he's totally opening for Mute Math within a year (I like Mute Math, don't get me wrong). Haley will go on tour and her album will be purchased mostly by creepy older guys and people that thought they were buying McPhee's new album. Phil will become a local karaoke legend wherever he ends up. And of course, the Idol machine will roll on, crushing souls and putting a select few sort of-OK singers in the American spotlight for a couple months. When's next season start? And will the crack baby audition again? I'd like to see her on next season.

AI Top 3: Crunch Time

2007-05-16T09:37:00.000-05:00

I've been saying for months that we've been treading water until we got to the top 3 or 4 (top 4 was before LaKisha get separated from the rest of the pack; I've been saying top 3 for a while). Now we're finally there, and I think this is the first week where I really don't want anyone to go home. Blake's been one of my favorites since the beginning, everyone loves Melinda, and Jordin has had some really excellent performances to put her, I think, at least on par with the other two.

We had some interesting song choices this week. Whoever has Paula picking their song (this time, Blake) seems to be at a disadvantage because she is much worse at picking a good song than the other two judges, who tailor it to the contestant's strengths while still presenting a challenge. Paula just picks a song she thinks is cool. I have no idea how the producers pick, but the contestants' own picks are usually very revealing. It's interesting that Blake picked a song he had not yet done on the show (although Robin Thicke performed very recently, didn't he? or was that on Dancing with the Stars?) whereas the other two brought back their "biggest hits". I give props to Blake for continuing to branch out; I always hate when they repeat performances. So they're doing three songs this week -- is it too much to expect an Idol contestant to learn and polish three new songs, especially when they're like a minute and a half long?

Ratings below, by round this time, because my columns haven't been obscenely long lately.

Round 1 -- fight!
Jordin: 100 -- I didn't really know this song, but it sounded kind of familiar, and about 5 lines in I was thinking, damn, this is solid. I thought she connected with it, and this was one of my favorite performances.
Blake: 80 -- He got screwed by an impossible song. It is not possible to sing this song well without sounding like you're imitating Sting. Go ahead, try it; it's just not physically possible. If you don't do the laid-back reggaeish vocals, you sound square. If you don't wail the high notes, you sound like a wuss. If you do all that, you sound like you're impersonating one of the most iconic vocalists of the last 40 years. That said, I thought he did as good a job as could be done with it. I'm guessing he rejected Paula's advances and this was her way of getting back at him.
Melinda: 50 -- I completely and utterly disagree with the judges' assertion that she "won" the first round. I thought this was one of her worst performances to date. She had consistent pitch problems (including never getting that final note up to the right pitch despite holding it for a while), an unusually froggy tone, and didn't connect with the song like she usually does. She's normally very consistent, but I thought this was by far the weakest of the first round of performances. We've heard that the judges don't actually listen to the performances, but base their comments on dress rehearsal performances. Maybe that's the issue here, because I refuse to believe that Randy, who invents pitch problems where none exist, thought this was in tune.

Round 2 -- fight!
Blake: 100 -- I'm not saying this was as good as Jordin's first round, but it was better than Blake's own first round. Note that Blake has just performed two songs that everybody and their mother knows, whereas Jordin performed one that anyone has heard of (this round) and Melinda didn't perform any. I think that's going to be a factor. I believe this was a great song for Blake, and he's a better vocalist than the dude from Maroon 5 (he sounds great on the album, but the few times I've heard him live it hasn't been too hot).
Melinda: 80 -- I honestly couldn't get past the name of the song (Nutbush City Limits). Seriously, they couldn't get a Tina Turner song anyone has ever heard of? They had to pick one with "Nutbush" in the title? Again, the judges raved, and again, I didn't really get it. I thought it was fine, but a little yelly. I thought Melinda was really off her game tonight. That said, this would have been a solid performance for a lot of other performers, but it was a weird one for her.
Jordin: 70 -- This was by no means bad. It was her weakest of the night, but still at a completely acceptable level. I can't hear "She Works Hard For the Money" without thinking of the McDonald's commercial, though. I think that and her enormous stripper heels (in which she could barely walk) stopped her from fully latching onto the song and owning it.

Round 3 -- finish him! (or her!)
Jordin: 100 -- As much as I dislike recycled songs, this was so very good that I didn't really mind. Her big issue, which I mentioned before Simon did, is that when she picks her own song they're from like 1922. When Simon called her out on this she pointed out that the song he picked was from the 70s, and that's old too. Shudder. I don't get how a girl whose mom was "raised on Bon Jovi" could have such old taste in music.
Melinda: 60 -- I think part of the reason this "I'm a Woman" song was so awesome the first time we heard it is that we didn't really know how awesome Melinda was until just then. It was new and exciting. Now we already know she can blow the roof off of most songs, so the surprise factor isn't there ... and this version wasn't nearly as good as the first time she did it. You can't redo a song if it's going to be significantly worse than the version you did months ago. The lack of novelty will make it seem even less good. I don't understand what was up with her. She didn't look as into the music, she messed up words and had pitch problems (both firsts as far as I can remember); it just wasn't there. I honestly don't think the judges' comments were actually based on her performances this week. What a bad time to have your worst week of the season.
Blake: 60 -- I said up top that I give him props for being the only one to pick a new song for his choice, and I still do. It's even an interesting and difficult song choice. The problem is that it wasn't a terrific performance. The song didn't really go anywhere and just felt like scattershot words without much of a hummable tune. His performance was impressive (it's a hard song) but not enjoyable, and I think that's a problem. That said, I would have enjoyed hearing more of him performing with Sir Mix-a-Lot. That would have been an awesome and ballsy choice for his third song. I might have actually voted if he'd done that.

If you add up my scores for the three rounds, you get Jordin with 270, Blake with 240, and Melinda with 190, and I think that's about right. I've been solidly behind Blake as my favorite for a while, but over the past couple weeks, Jordin has really been creeping into the picture. This week I think she finally surpassed him in my book. I really don't get what was up with Melinda this week, and I'm completely confused that the judges would have praised her so much when she was not up to her usual standards and the other two contestants were so solid.

I think America will send home:
It's obvious that Simon wants/expects Melinda to win. But is that the best thing for the show? She's personality-challenged, sings in a very old-fashioned style to a very specific type of music ... who is her target demographic? I'm sure Oprah viewers will snatch up her album, but Oprah viewers are not the driving force behind the American Idol Machine -- teenagers and even younger kids are. They may support her and respect her and appreciate her voice, but I don't think they'll buy her album in droves (see: Ruben Studdard, Fantasia, or even Taylor Hicks).

The other two contestants have much greater appeal to AI's core demographic. Jordin is young and adorable and emotionally connected to her music, and she's improved appreciably throughout the competition (although her taste in music leaves a little to be desired, and she hasn't yet grown into a style of her own). Blake isn't as young, but clearly appeals to younger voters in terms of looks and attitude, has his own distinctive (and youthful) style, and performs songs that young people have heard of and like. I'm not sure if either of them can stop the Melinda juggernaut though (again, see Ruben or Taylor).

I honestly think this could go any way. You could keep all three on for the finals and I couldn't argue with that decision, because they all bring something different and interesting to the competition. My prediction for this week's elimination ... man, this is tough: Jordin. I won't be surprised no matter how it goes, though. I really think it's about 40 (Jordin) - 30 (Blake) - 20 (Melinda) with a 10% chance they do something wacky like keep all three.

I would send home: Melinda, for the reasons I've outlined above. I would like to see the other two go head-to-head. We've already seen everything Melinda can do, and it's very good, but it doesn't reach me, and she's not that versatile. The other two, while not as technically proficient, are more interesting to me.

AI Top 4: I'm Barry MF-ing Gibb!

2007-05-09T13:22:00.000-05:00

The geniuses at American Idol decided that this week, the first time the contestants were singing two songs each (overdue), would feature one of the worst, most restrictive themes in recent memory. I have respect for the Bee-Gees, heck, their bassist plays a Rickenbacker, which is good enough for me. However, their vocals are nearly all in falsetto, nearly all featuring harmony, and usually the vocals are not so prominent in the mix (not that you could tell what they're saying otherwise). In other words, completely unsuitable for a vocal competition. So make them sing two songs each! Just astounding.

By the way, I thoroughly enjoyed Barry Gibb. He sounded like he was doing an imitation of Sean Connery on Jeopardy every time he spoke.

I'm out of snarky titles -- or am I?:
Jordin: 100 -- The only one to nail any of these songs; she turned in not just the best performance, but possibly the second-best as well (not sure if her first or Melinda's second song was better). I've hinted that she's the next McPhee -- not Haley -- for weeks now, and L pointed out that there was a point last season where McPhee suddenly went from cute chick next door to goddess. We're seeing a similar transformation with Jordin, though in a slightly different dimension. Her second song was the only one that sounded like she actually owned the song; her vocals kept sounding on the edge of breaking in a totally awesome way. I think she clinched a spot in the finals with this performance, but for sure she's here next week.
Melinda: 70 -- She has a way of taking nearly any song and making it sound exactly like every other one she sings. I think you could have her sing AC/DC, Engelbert Humperdinck, and Panic! At the Disco back to back, and they'd sound like they all came from the same original artist. There's a lot to be said for having your own sound, but I think this is too far. Her second song was way better than the first, but I think this is why she's a backup singer ... she has no particular edge or flavor. She can sing with the best of them, but her own music is going to be eminently forgettable. I still think she'll win.
LaKisha: 50 -- I can't possibly be the only one who is bored of her yelling every single week. Seems like And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going was not an indicator of her skillz, but just the perfect song for her. Any other style just morphs into And I Am Telling You I Am Just Going To Scream My Lungs Out.
Blake: 25 -- Way to drop a turd on stage during the final 4, bud. He avoided the beatboxing for a while, and then brought it back recently, which was fine, but now it's everywhere. I understand what he was trying to do, and I think that the theme absolutely killed him, because it didn't lend itself to his kind of rearrangement. For the first time in a long time, he sounded flat and tentative to me, too.

Thank god I didn't have to hear Chris R try to sing this stuff, at least.

I think America will send home: LaKisha, with Blake the obvious other bottom two member. I think enough young girls will vote for him, and that LaKisha's fan base is getting drawn away by the other two ladies, that this vote won't be that close.

I would send home: LaKisha, but I'd probably agree with scaring Blake a little bit with a bottom two experience. I would have sent her home when I got bored of her more than a month ago, but then again I would have cut this competition down to 3 or 4 people a month ago.

I have an inside track on next week's theme: it's going to be all Trent Reznor songs as covered by klezmer and skiffle bands. Performed entirely in sign language. With mittens on. In the dark.

Dungeonmasters don't have levels

2007-05-04T14:37:00.000-05:00

So there's this mobile phone commercial that's been cracking me up recently -- not sure what network it's for, but the schtick for their series of commercials is that this one cool-looking blond guy represents their brand, and he's always in a mall hanging out with representatives for four other brands that are fat and/or dorky. (Not that we haven't seen this before with Mac vs. PC, etc.) The other guys act fat and/or dorky, he acts cool, hilarity ensues, and hopefully people go sign exorbitant contracts to be on their cell phone network.

At the end of one of their current commercials, completely out of nowhere, the Cool Guy asks, "So what level dungeonmaster are you guys?" One of the dorks replies, "Dungeonmasters don't have levels," and then all the dorks high-five each other, because not knowing this clearly implies that Cool Guy is lame.

Here's the thing: dungeonmasters don't have levels.

Here's the other thing: what kind of nonsequitur is that, coming from a supposedly Cool Guy?

Add to that the fact that only dorks will think it's funny (or at the very least get the joke), and I'm left wondering who they're trying to reach with this commercial. Obviously, this also shatters their implication that only cool people are affiliated with the company, because the writer and everyone who approved the commercial must all be dorks.

Why is Mr. Cool Guy randomly asking them about being a dungeonmaster? He's the one that brought it up. He must be a dork too! But on top of that, he doesn't even get it right -- so he's a stupid dork.

In summation: if Cool Guy is so cool, why is he always hanging out at the mall with all of the fat/dorks where they all seemingly work? Wouldn't he be hanging out with cool people if he were cool? Isn't it telling that even the gang of dorks looks down on him? Is he following them around, desperately seeking their approval, brazenly mimicing their lingo in a failed attempt to curry favor? Is he going to start carrying around 10-sided dice in a fuzzy leather pouch and brag about how awesome he is at Magic: the Gathering (and then lose soundly to each of the Other Guys)?

The only possible conclusion: People who use cell phone network that paid for the commercial campaign are even bigger dorks, and stupider, than the lame people who are on other networks (the campaign writer obviously has a rather dim view of humanity as a whole, or at least cell phone users). Now if only I could remember which network that line of commercials is for.

This post brought to you by the numbers 18/00 and the letters STR.